Kill

You: "I'm just a goofball."

Me: "Kill. Kill. Kill."

People who are self-described goofballs deserve no less. What kind of statement is that? It is a poor attempt to try to excuse moronic behavior as a quirky personality.

Be warned, those of you who attach the following labels to yourself in my presence will be disposed of with a maximum of haste and minimum of mercy:

goofball

airhead

quirky

flighty

redhead

ridiculously wealthy

Smile Purty

My dentist, who I love so much, appears to not be doing a very good job. I just went to a different dentist to have a consultation about braces and he was surprised to hear that I just had my teeth cleaned a month ago due to the amount of inflammation in my gums. He was careful to say that it isn't because I don't brush well, but I know better. I hate flossing! Now I am paying the price. I have to go back in two days for a full mouth debridement. He is going to scrape all of my teeth clean below the gumline. I tell you, it sounds pleasant. I am sure it won't be at all uncomfortable.

The new dentist, Dr. Wang, also asked me if I had trouble with getting food caught between two certain teeth. There is this one spot on the upper left side of my mouth that catches anything remotely stringy like meat or nectarines. Turns out that my old dentist used a composite material to replace an the old metal filling that I had that was so large it encompassed portions of the biting surface and the surface between the two teeth. The composite material is not suited for this application and has cracked, catching food that passes through. Dr. Wang would like to replace it with a porcelain filling which, unfortunately, costs three times as much. I passed on that for now, but I have to get the debridement done because I can't get the Invisalign braces while my gums are inflamed.

T minus one year to straight teeth.

Names

One of my ongoing big pet peeves is a work peeve having to do with people who have a given 1st and last name, but insist on going by something utterly different. I'm not griping about the Timothy/Tim(my)s or the James/Jims. I can figure those out. But when you are Frank Tobias Smith, so all our HR paperwork will have you as Frank Smith, but you go by Toby or worse Bucky Smith? That's a problem to me. I'm supposed to figure out who you are from that? Once upon a time at Homestore, there was an employee who insisted on going by his 1st (which was actually an unusual nick name of his given 1st name) and middle name. I told him that's fine but your official paperwork will have your given 1st and last name. He did not like this and went over my head. I replied to my boss, that what we use in HR is their given names, and that I had already explained this to him. My boss of the time (not CB), in a rare move, backed me up. So during his entire tenure there, which I unsurprisingly outlasted, we would get questions or someone in HR would need to know who he is and they would ask me. Who is this guy, does he work for us? And I would have to give them his real name. Now because I was at the 'store for all of 3 years, and all the new hires eventually came past my desk, I knew all the names that were like that that I needed to know. Now that I'm new here at the U, I don't know them so I have to spend time matching up SSN's to our database (which unfortunately the person before didn't have the same strictness to proper names that I do so sometimes it is the given name and sometimes it is the nick name causing me even more confusion). Just go by the names your good folks gave you people. (As I write this, though, I do realize that my own best friend does not go by his given name, however he has enough sense to use said given name at work and just goes by the nick name of his 2nd middle name in social situations). People who get married do not count in this rage.

Boring Crap

I can't find affordable patio furniture that doesn't look like it belongs at an old folks home. This is especially important to those of you who may be coming to my housewarming BBQ next month. You may have to stand the entire time or balance your tushy on the narrow brick planter. Also, if you want to come to the housewarming and you didn't get an invite, don't feel slighted, just let me know.

Bathroom Urinals

Why can't they make a men's urinal that doesn't splatter piss all over the place when you use it? The most disgusting part of this (as experienced by me today) is that its other mens' piss that splashes up on the inside of your pant leg. I can best describe the smell for you as the smell between a wet dog's scrotum and inner thigh. I need to change my pants because I am sure that other people can smell it as well. Fucking gross.

Maybe I need to improve my aim? The urinals at Homs had the same issue except that I had perfected it - get the stream to go where the water is, not on the side of the porcelain. Well, I thought I was doing that this afternoon, but I guess not. And now I smell like a fucking wet dog that pissed itself.

Things People Shouldn't Do...

Wear white pants. Ever. I'm sorry I realize fashon 'designers' created these pants, but there is not one single person who looks good in them. Size zero, no... Size 20 (And being not thin myself, it is permissible for me to make fun of fat chicks who make piss poor fashion choices) HELL NO... Even worse... when their skin is fairly dark (which is really only 2 shades darker than white) so you can see it through the tacky white pants leaving you to realize that there are no VPL (visible panty lines) therefore she is either wearing a thong (probably) or... going commando (*shudder*).

New Co-Workers Irritate Me

To the three women who have joined our team:
You annoy me and you haven't even been here for a full week yet. If you were male, 30ish, single and cute, I might give you a little more latitude but you're not so I won't. I will not forgive you for being all whiney about how difficult it is to work with the lights off. The nice little area of low lighting created by Adam Bomb has been fully lit to make these bitches happy. The additional flourescent lighting is making me more miserable. The wintery provinces of Canada are starting to sound appealing to me.

Notice to Babies and Kids

I will not be attending any more of your birthday parties until I have a baby or a kid of my own. I love all of you babies and kids, but you never serve coctails at your party and I am at an age now where I require a generous basting of alcohol in order to attend the celebration of adding another year to the age tally. Ok, so this is your first year. You are one year old. Fat and happy and just learning to walk. Fab. I'm pleased for you. Have your cake and I will send a present. You'll never know I wasn't there. Just remember that I got you the good one.

Love,

Auntie Michelle

P.S. See you when you are 21.

Reagan Shmeagan

Okay, maybe he was a nice guy, but come on. Is it really necessary to close all banks, post offices and the stock market because he's dead? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

The day is saved!

I just had the juiciest, most delicious tangerine I have ever had in my life.

When I get home tonight I am going to cut into my South African Baby Pineapple.

Props

I know that I mostly gripe and complain, but I do give praise where it is due. These are some products that given greater than expected performances recently. I highly recommend them to you.

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser
This thing is freaking awesome. My new house came freshly painted but the previous owners had used flat paint throughout. It feels disgusting and is nearly impossible to keep clean. The movers made a mess of the wall. There were dirty, sweaty smudges at shoulder height, wheel scuffs down low from their dollies, and handprints around doorways. The husband had left pencil and pen marks on walls where he had installed things. Even the dogs were in on the action, leaving paw prints under a shelf where he had kept some treats. With the Magic Eraser and water alone - no cleanser, no elbow grease - I cleaned up every bit of it in under ten minutes. As an added bonus, I had been willing to pay the few dollars it cost for one sponge and was pleased to find that the box actually contained four sponges. I cannot say enough about this thing.

The Venus Razor
Some of the razors out there for women that tout an ergonomic shape or skin softening strip are not any better than the plastic disposal that come on a jumbo pack for 99 cents. This one is different. It isn't even because of the shape of the handle, which is nice. It is because you can let your legs get as hairy as a yeti's and this razor still won't clog. One pass under a stream of water and all the hair rinses out. That is enough to make me never want to switch. The only drawback is the price. It is a bit more expensive than the others.

TiVo
I do not know one person who has it who doesn't love it. I think TiVo has even more of a cult-like following than Apple. People leave the Apple fold all the time. I can't imagine anyone ever abandoning TiVo. The Season Pass is my favorite feature. I can set it to record every episode of a show so that I will never miss it and never had to remember when it is on. This is particularly helpful for Coupling on BBC America which starts at 8:40 or 9:20 on either Fridays or Sundays. I never did figure out when it is really on. Fast forwarding through commercials is like three times as fast as with a VCR and you don't have to worry about hitting Play at just the right time. Once you see that the show is on, you hit Play and it backs up a little on its own so that you don't miss a second of your show.

1 hr 15 min

That is how long it took me to get to work today.

17 miles
That is how far my office is from my house.

3 lanes
That is how many lanes were blocked by an overturned vehicle.

Jesus Christ Superstar

I pray. A lot. Most of my prayers are very short, though. There are two prayers that are in the top of the rotation.

Jesus Christ! Fucking moron!

Christ, I need a drink.

I used to feel guilty, thinking that I was taking the Lord's name in vain and adding to the long list of things I needed to confess upon my next, too-distant church visit. Then I realized that these are really shorthand prayers.

Jesus Christ! Fucking moron!
Translation: Dear Jesus, please don't let me rear end this fucking moron who just cut me off.

Christ, I need a drink.
Translation: Dear Jesus, please help me to have the (liquid) courage I need to deal with all of these fucking morons.

Amen.

Volunteer grrr.

So I am volunteering for the Fremont Fair on June 20th. I like to volunteer this should be fun. What I don't like is the fact that they keep asking me to donate $5.00 for the t-shirt. Just don't give me one dammit. I don't need one. I won't wear it. It will just hang in my closet forever (or until I get rid of it).

Customer 'Care'

While most of the time I appreciate the fact that I don't have to talk to real people and can just go to a website to get the answers I need, I hate it when the website actually does NOT have the answer I need and I have to search all over the website to find some way to actually contact the vendor. Lately I've been getting email returned to my yahoo account that I didn't send. (This is actually the 2nd time this has happened, it has been happening sporadically with hotmail too). I tried to forward it to help@yahoo.com thinking I was clever. That email doesn't exist. I go to their help pages. Pages and pages of the most inane crap (how do I log in? How do I change my password, what are these people, retarded?), but nothing about this. Several minutes and many different searches later I finally find the form to email customer care. Hopefully they can do something for me.

Sloth

I did not unpack a single box this weekend even though I left all of Sunday free for that purpose. I took a nap instead. A really nice one on the couch even though the couch is really too small for napping.

The husband said not to worry about it. He is concerned about my stress level since I had a freak out a couple weeks ago.

"Don't worry about the boxes. We can move them into my office for the party."

"The party?"

"Yeah, the housewarming party."

"Which is at the end of July?"

"Yeah."

As lazy as I am - believe me, I admit to the full extent of it - I feel certain that I can at least get the boxes in the living room unpacked by the end of July. Probably.

Ritz Bits Hangover

I had some Ritz Bits cheese sandwiches for breakfast and I have to say, these things are like crack. Yummy, melt in your mouth, heavenly, salty, fake cheesey goodness. The high is unbelievable, but coming down hurts, man.

The Worst Thing Adam Has Done

You may recall that in the middle of April we all, except for the tardy Adam, posted the worst thing we had ever done. Well, Adam had done so many mean things to people that he had to choose just one. I finally convinced him over IM today to tell me the story.

I am too lazy to edit it, but I did change our IM names so that we don't get spammed.

smartypants: also, post your goddamn story already
Adam: lol
Adam: I thought you forgot about that
Adam: damnit
smartypants: i never forget
smartypants: NEVER
smartypants: IM it to me right now and I will post it
Adam: long story short...
Adam: it was the holidays
Adam: and I was leaving work at the Oaks Mall
Adam: parking was crazy like it always is during the holidays
Adam: I am about to pull out
Adam: and behind me, I notice that there is this argument over who gets my spot
Adam: well
Adam: I decide to get involved rather than drive off
Adam: because I didn't think that it was fair for this person to lose the spot
Adam: so
Adam: I get out of may car... before pulling out of the space
Adam: to help resolve the issue
Adam: bad mistake
Adam: the bitch in the car that was trying to steal the spot drives forward and attempts to run me over... as I was intentionally blocking the spot for the other car
Adam: so...
Adam: I go balistic
Adam: ballistic
Adam: and I go up to the bitches window and say "I'm gonna kick your fucking ass"
smartypants: off to meeting... finish your story and i will post when i get back
Adam: after which, I notice that she was pregnant
Adam: had to be at least 7 or 8 months
Adam: now, this was in my mullet wearing bad ass days
Adam: 1990-91ish
Adam: so I had no remorse
Adam: ok, I lied, it was like 93 now that I think about it
Adam: still had the mullet though
Adam: anyhow, I'm pissed, so I jump back in my mini-truck, do a nice little burn-out in anger and speed out of the parking lot
Adam: leaving the 2 other drivers to settle it for themselves
Adam: now
Adam: flash forward about 1-2 weeks
Adam: I am at work
Adam: and I get a call from a detective
Adam: he told me that I was witnessed by a construction worker on top of the mall keying this preggo bitches car
Adam: which is a bunch of crap
Adam: he asked me if I would agree to appear in a lineup so that I can be identified and I said yes, of course
Adam: I told him what happened but that I didn't vandalize her vehicle
Adam: that was the last I heard from the detective
Adam: I'm not sure who got the spot. I can only guess that it was the bitch and that the other person who wanted the spot keyed her car
Adam: otherwise, maybe she was just trying to get me in trouble because I threatened her, but she threatened to run me over first
Adam: actually did run me over
Adam: well, that's it
Adam: hope it was worth the wait
Adam: now back to work!

Pretty on the Outside

Most of you know this about me by now. I am vain and shallow. I put a lot of stock into the way things look: people, cars, houses, pets, restaurants. There is a lot to be said for presentation.

At the end of the writers' cruise, there was a book signing event where the published authors could hawk their goods. I bought the books of a couple of the instructors who were excellent. I finally made my way up to the table of the most popular instructor.

"What's your name?"

"Michelle."

"Are you a writer, Michelle?"

"Yes." I look down at my chest. Yes, my official writers' cruise nametag is there.

"You look too young to be a writer."

"Really? How old do you think I look?" It had been awhile since something like this had happened to me and I haven't been carded in ages when buying alcohol so I wanted to get a sense of where I am now. Am I looking my age yet? Thirty is a mere three months away. These things weigh heavily on my mind.

"About 18."

"Close, but I am 29."

Eighteen? If she wasn't a staunch Mormon, I would have guessed that she was either high or drunk. Eighteen? It's good to know, though. I had been thinking that I would need to start Botox preventative maintenance around 35. Maybe I can push it off to 40 now.

Peeve for today

1 - I hate it when IVR systems change their menu options. I finally learned how to get what I need and they change it...

2 - This wrap skirt. I forgot why I stopped wearing it so long ago... when the slightest breeze blows, there is far more showing than these innocent little Catholic college kids need to see of me. Now that I recall this, I either have to bust out a safety pin to keep it closed closer to the knee, or get rid of it alltogether and since I kinda like it, safety pin.

3 - This encampment which is going to add like 10 gray hairs... why oh why won't people respond to emails? Seriously... I have 2 weeks and still no final count because people DON"T RESPOND!