An Anecdote about Crack Babies

My first job out of college was at a social service agency. I was one of the first people hired and quite involved in getting the whole thing set up. Except for the agency director, everyone who worked there was a twentysomething woman.

As twentysomething women are wont to do, we spent a lot of time sitting around gabbing. On one day in particular, my friend Alice said something really dumb and I, being the cleverest of the clever, suggested that her mother had been smoking crack while she was pregnant with Alice. We all laughed.

Later, my boss Heidi called me in to her office.

"Michelle, you need to be more sensitive of other people's feelings."

"I'll buy that. Was there something in particular that I did this time?" I asked. I am in no way delusional about the kind of person that I am and will own up to the fact that I am occasionally, intentionally or not, insensitive to other people's feelings.

"Well, your comment about Alice being a crack baby..."

I laughed. "I don't think you need to worry about Alice being offended. She has often wondered if her mother had taken to the pipe while pregnant."

Stoney-faced Heidi continued, "That's not it. Dana heard everything you said."

"Dana? So?"

"Dana smoked crack while she was pregnant and she had a crack baby."

"I had no idea," I said. I wonder how many HR policies Heidi violated by telling me that. "Did Dana say something?"

"Well, no..."

As I was processing the information I became enraged. I was getting in trouble for possibly making someone feel bad who may not have even been offended or, as far as I knew, even understood what I was saying due to possibly being high on crack. If Heidi had been reaming me for telling stupid and juvenile jokes, ok, that's deserved, but for possibly hurting the feelings of someone who fucked up her kid by smoking crack while pregnant? No.

I replied, "I will make sure I take a crack smoker's feelings into consideration the next time I am having a conversation that in no way involves her and in no way refers to her."

"Thank you."

Totally '80s

I am watching Some Kind of Wonderful right now on AMC. Right after this is Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club. Now if only they would show Pretty in Pink and Weird Science. It could be a full on John Hughes day. Did you know that he also wrote the screenplays for Dennis the Menace and Home Alone 4? That makes me a little sad but, as a writer, I guess I can't fault him for taking a paying gig.

Blech

Last night at Whole Foods, I bought this yummy Cinnamon Sugar Sweet Cream Butter that I had before. This morning, I was really looking forward to having some of it on my toaster waffles. I opened it up and it didn't look like the Cinnamon Sugar butter; it just looked like regular butter. I spread it on my waffles anyway, but something didn't smell right. The fridge has been stinky lately, in need of some baking soda, so I thought maybe that was it. I ate my waffles, but something didn't taste right either. I bought a different brand of flax waffles, so I thought maybe that was it. Nope. Turns out that the cute little tub of butter that has a cute little Cinnamon Sugar label on the side, has the words Roasted Garlic stamped on the bottom. Not quite the breakfast I was looking for.

Fridays are Hard

Do you like The Golden Girls? Me, not so much. I wonder about the resurgence in their popularity recently. Mostly it seems that gay men and teenage girls are instigating this. Anyway, it turns out that I may or may not be Sophia. Which Golden Girl are you?

Just Wrong

Part, the First
I am inching along in traffic this morning and I see a cop standing outside of his car on the side of the freeway on his cell phone, laughing away. As I inch a little further I see this peeved guy in a red Mustang convertible pulled over. He is glaring at the cop in his rearview mirror. Bad enough to get a ticket on the way to work but then to have the cop take a personal call right in the middle of it? Uh, uh. That's just wrong.


Part, the Second
A short while later, I am inching along at a somewhat faster pace as I near my exit on the freeway. I see this bumper sticker on the back of a dirty old car:


Since I disagree with the sentiment I try to get a look at the driver to see what kind of person has this bumper sticker. The person, the thing, the It driving the car has no business preaching that nonsense. I can't tell what gender that thing is, but It looks something like this:

The Apocalypse is Now

VAL KILMER IS MOSES

The TEN Commandments

A New Musical

(I'm not kidding.)

I Could Murder Someone

Except that this someone is a freaking phone IVR system. I hate new systems that only allow voice commands without associated key pad commands.

"List. More. Options."

"List. Them. All."

"None. Of. These."

"Yes."

"Give me the fucking operator already."

I'm sorry I did not understand your last command. Please choose from one of the following options...

ugly

It is such a gray day in Santa Monica today. No sun, just blah. It looks chilly but I am sure it isn't. The air probably has that stale quality it gets here when it isn't moving; heavy on my skin, making me feel like I need another shower.

To Some Strangers

Dear Cute Mommy,

You have arguably the two most adorable kids I have ever seen. It is so sweet that you and the nanny are bringing your infant and toddler to have lunch with daddy at his office, but if you don't get the fuck out of my way, I am going to punch each and every one of you in the face. When I only have twenty minutes to get downstairs, get my lunch, get back up to my office, and eat my lunch before my next meeting, I don't have time to wait for the goddamn Stepford parade to pass.

Fuck off!
Michelle

Absolute Power Corrupts? Absolutely!

Here's a little ditty about how I grossly abused the power that has been bestowed upon me by our silly management team.

Without going into boring technical details, here's the scene. One of our systems (that I am the functional owner of) wasn't interfacing correctly with another one of our systems. I spoke to the technical owner of the other system and he said he knew what was broken and had actually fixed it in our development environment. He just needed a trouble ticket created so that our QA team could test it and it could be pushed live.

So, I created the ticket, not putting in many details about the problem since it's already been fixed. No use beating a dead horse and I'm lazy.

The ticket was assigned to a weasly little closeted punk QA guy who returned the ticket to me with some obnoxious comment about how he knows that I have more information about the problem than I'm revealing and how can he possibly validate that there's actually a problem without more information. Dumbass.

Anyway, we have a new trouble ticket system (that this QA jerk was actually responsible for implementing) and it works much like the old one, except for some minor differences that were never clearly explained to anybody. Not knowing about one of these differences, I edited the ticket with more info and saved it.

The asspunk sent me another grumpy email about how I didn't actually do anything by editing the ticket with comments, I actually had to assign the ticket back to him so that he could read my notes and do his freaking job.

Now, I'm all for admitting when I'm being an idiot and not doing things properly, but christ, we were never fully trained on this application and quite frankly, I'm usually nice to someone the first time they don't do something correctly. I don't instantly get all salty with them.

Anyway, I did it properly and then went into my system and changed his password to "Jerk" so there's no possible way he can actually test the ticket without begging me to reset his password for him. Muwahahahahaha.

Best. Kiss. Ever.

Michael Vartan and Drew Barrymore at the end of Never Been Kissed. It gets me every time.

More Things People Shouldn't Do

Crazy, skinny girl: You should not be rollerblading alone around the park at 10:30 pm. I don't care if it is on a main road, this is Los Angeles.

Lady I didn't see: You should not wear so much perfume that it makes me gag when I step into the elevator, long after you have vacated it.

Me: You should not trick the dogs into going outside by pretending you are going to take them for a walk. That is just mean and they may catch on eventually.

Alt Chick

I kept changing my answers until I got a chick I like:


Which Rock Chick Are You?

I kept getting Gwen Stefani and quite frankly, I think she sucks. Apparently if you are creative and like British guys, you're Gwen Stefani. Idiots.

Rock Chick

I guess this is me. I don't think I wear my eyeliner quite so thick, but the hair is almost right.

Which Rock Chick Are You?

Stupid Truck Drivers

Another dreary story about my RX-8. In my daily commute home, luckily I only have to travel south on the 101 for about 1 mile. That's all, just one mile. So, yesterday, I enter the freeway at Calabasas and merge with the bumper-to-bumper traffic. Joy. Then suddenly, I look in my rear-view mirror and I see this big rig truck ON MY ASS. And I don't mean like a car's length away. I'm talking a couple of pubes from my bumper. So this continues for about 150-200 feet until I have to stop for traffic. And then... BAM BAM! He hits me. I had to lay on my horn. Now, I thought that this guy was just fucking with me. You know how some truckers like to tailgate? Turns out that "I didn't see you" was his reason for hitting me. What the fuck? Then I said "Get a booster seat then you ass-monkey!" Ok, I didn't really say that, but I wanted to. So now I have to get my rear bumper fixed. Not happy about this. The car is brand new.

Mazda RX-8 Mileage

Ok. So, I got this really nice rice rocket about 5 or 6 months ago. I have very few complaints about the car. However, the complaints that I do have are quite major, with the mileage being the biggest. The manufacturer claims that the mileage is 18/24. I just took the car on a road trip to Monterey this weekend. I babied the throttle on the way home, kept it on cruise at like 75-79 mph. And what did I average? 20.1 MPG!!!! What the hell is this? What's worse, because of my drive to work everyday (through the Santa Susana Pass and Box Canyon), I regularly average about 16-17 MPG. If I knew that the mileage was going to be this poor, I would have kept my Mustang Cobra. Taking the car in for service soon and I guess that there is an adjustment that can be made to the computer to help improve the mileage. Stay tuned...

bad things

I am not much of a philosopher, but I have noticed one thing that continues to prove true. If you do bad things, you invite bad things to happen to you.

Exhibit A: Kobe Bryant
Regardless of his guilt or innocence, he was cheating on his wife. If he hadn't been cheating on his wife, he would never have been in a position where he would have to defend himself against the accusation of rape.

Exhibit B: Scott Peterson
He was a cheater and a liar. If he hadn't been cheating or if he hadn't lied about being a cheater when his wife went missing or if he hadn't continued to cheat and lie as everyone was looking for his missing wife, he might not be on trial right now for the murder of his wife and unborn child. Or, if he hadn't killed his wife, he might not be on trial.

Exhibit C: James McGreevy
"I am a gay American." Fantastic. Good for you. The problem here is that you are married to a straight, female American with some American children and you are the governor of the American state of New Jersey. If you hadn't been fooling around on your wife and getting your lover cushy jobs that he didn't deserve, you wouldn't have had to resign from office and come out to the country the way that you did. Alternately, if you hadn't already been involved in numerous political scandals, your constituents might have been more forgiving.

Another lesson to be learned from these examples: Cheaters never prosper.

Olympics

When I was a kid, the Olympics were such a big deal. I even went to a couple events when the Olympics were in Los Angeles in 1984. Now, I couldn't possibly be less interested or, as I am fond of saying lately, I don't give a rat's ass. I wonder if I have some sort of mood disorder. Let me look up "doesn't give a rat's ass" in the diagnostic manual and get back to you.

sigh

When did it become ok for me to carry my lunch around in a plastic shopping bag? In school, I would have been exiled for such an infraction. I think this is the final sign of the apocolypse or the final sign that I have reached old age.

Opposite of Smiley Face

I took a bite and was suddenly overwhelmed with
:(
:p

In :o of this new reality, I took another bite. Dammit, there is no other sadness that compares to the sadness of biting into a YorkPeppermint Patty and discovering that it is hard, dry, crumbly and bitter.

There is no emoticon to express the regret that I have for not going with the PayDay.

Losers.

To all you idiots who spit your gum out in random locations: screw you, you lazy bastards. The earth isn't a goddamn ashtray or gum receptacle. Get a piece of paper, put your gum on it and wait until you see a trashcan, you morons.

Murder

According to dreammoods.com, it is NOT bad that I pushed some guy off a balcony in my dream last night.

Murder: To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction.

volunteerism

Joanne's do-gooderiness inspired me to volunteer my time for a cause. What is it, you ask? Picking up trash at the beach? Helping people learn to read? Giving life to sick kids by donating blood? No, it is none of those things.

I am volunteering my time to help understaffed festival organizers put on the Los Angeles International Short Film Festival. As far as I know, I may simply be offering free labor while the director rakes in the cash. The reason I don't know is that, although there is a link to it, there is no History page on the web site. No big deal. I think I get some free tickets and I get to learn what goes into putting on a festival. Last night was the first night I volunteered and I did some work on their database. I talked to the director about my interest in screenwriting, so I might be reading some scripts, too.

Oh, and the festival director looks like this guy or this guy.

Noise Peeve

It is SeaFair this weekend. Fucking jets flying overhead all fucking day.

Feed a cold or starve a cold?

I can never remember which way that one goes. Feed a cold, starve a fever. Starve a fever, feed a cold.

The saying is: Feed a cold, starve a fever.

But one guy says you shouldn't do either, while another says there may be scientific evidence to support this old wives tale. Either way, I am off to get some lunch. Chicken soup.

Thanks

My project manager just walked in to my office and the first words out of her mouth were, "You look really sick."

I said, "Thanks, that's really nice of you to say."

"No, really," she said, "you should go home."

Nice to know that I look like a walking plague that shouldn't be allowed to roam the streets. I put on some eyeliner. Maybe that will help.

Woody

This just in...

As you are well aware, Acorn Woodpeckers in the oak trees have become very aggressive. The landlords for the building have looked into the situation. According to the California Dept. of Fish & Game, the agency responsible for recommending an action plan, this species of Woodpeckers is protected. They can not be relocated or harmed in any way. Therefore, the solution is to avoid the area.

The Environmental, Health & Safety Department highly recommends that employees, contractors and visitors park in other available parking lots. Two employees have been injured in two weeks. We don't want any more injuries due to employees walking through the area of the woodpeckers. These birds can hurt you.

We need to respect their habitat and leave them alone so they can complete this stage in their development and move on. In order to protect their environment and your safety, please make a temporary adjustment to your routine and park elsewhere. Soon, they will move on and you can return to the lot.

The person who forwarded me that email had this to add about the two employees who were injured...

They got dive bombed and hit with beaks in the back of the head... My boss almost got hurt... One of the peckers hit his head with its belly. Is that what's called a near miss?

Belt Peeve

I hate it when the jeans I'm wearing buckle and poke out underneath the belt I'm wearing so that the belt is rubbing directly against my body and there's this weird pouch of jeans poking out. That bugs me. (and obviously is my morning issue)

TMI

I just went to the bathroom and as I was pulling down my underwear it kind of rolled up and pulled out three of my pubic hairs. Ouch!