Saturday, February 12, 2005

airplanes

I was fortunate enough to travel this past week, giving me some ammo for this blog. I've noticed my posts have become less frequent since the goal was reached. Maybe I'm becoming more tolerant. Maybe I've just been avoiding my known peeves. Anyway, here's a list of the things about flying that bug me.
1. People who stop to get stuff out of their bags before putting them in the overhead compartment. If you need something, get it out before boarding or wait until we're in the air. Don't stop the line because you need your freaking eye mask or your smut novel. You might have your toes "accidentally" run over by the suitcase of the person behind you. That suitcase is very heavy, just so you know.
2. People who really get the emergency instructions out of the seat back in front of them as the flight attendants are going over the rules. Is it really that tough? You know you're going to freak out and run around screaming anyway, you'll forget to secure your own mask before helping others, and forget about the floatation device, you're too stupid to figure out how it inflates. And nobody really wants you to.
3. Those stupid blow up neck pillows. I know it's hard to sleep while you're on a plane, but we're only going to be in the air for three hours. You can hold it together that long, I just know it!
4. Terrorists. Terrorists really suck.
5. When the pilot tries to keep you informed about where you are in the trip. I don't care what state we're currently over. It all looks the same. Please just focus on your job and get me on the ground as quickly as possible. Don't try to be funny either. My pilot should be very serious, no screwing around in the cockpit. (Side note: words like cockpit and headwinds are funny)
6. Rude flight attendants. Smile when you offer me a coke. I don't care if it's sincere. I know it's annoying to deal with the passengers, but that's your job. Nobody's holding a gun to your head. Except in the worst case scenario, see #4 above. I also don't want you to be overly chatty. I absolutely don't want to see you flirting with that shiny male flight attendant either. Why is he so shiny, anyway?
7. People who let their kids fight, kick the seat in front of them, whine, scream, cry, walk around, or generally annoy the other passengers. If your kids are fighting sit between them. If your kid is whining you can a. give them what they want and shut them up or b. smack them. A plane is not the proper place for a battle of wills. If you do not shut your kid up that guy in the next isle might, and I wouldn't want to see that. OK, I would totally want to see that.
8. People who don't get off the plane as quickly as possible. If you want to hang out and say your goodbyes to the crew then step aside. If you don't have all your shit in your bag by the time we've arrived at the gate then stay in your fucking seat and rearrange your carry-on to your hearts content. I don't care as long as you're not blocking my way. Because I will run you over. Or maybe just stand there and glare at your back, but with mean thoughts in my head.
9. The food. Airplane food sucks ass. I don't know why they try to feed you stuff like ravioli and meatloaf or whatever. They should stick to something that travels well, like a sandwich. A nice simple sandwich. You know that steak is going to take like crap. You know it and you serve it anyway. Leave the gourmet food to the professionals and give me some cheese and crackers. Also, can you please put more ice in my cup? Really, I love it when the ice is piled over the edge of the cup so I can fit two tablespoons of coke in there at a time. Aaaahhhh, so refreshing. Half a mouthful of coke then refill. Repeat.
10. This last one is a positive. My flight to Denver was late getting in because of strong headwinds. (haha, headwinds) We had a connection to San Francisco that was boarding about the time we landed. The pilot came on and asked anyone who didn't have a connection to make to please wait and let the others off, people like me who had to run to another flight. Dragging a kid. He also listed all the gates for the upcoming flights so I didn't have to stop and check the monitor. Thanks to him we made the flight and I was very grateful. Too bad I didn't have time to stop and chat on my way out.
It's a good thing I don't travel more often. I don't travel well. I feel like digging my nails down the sides of my face and ripping my hair out by the roots within the first hour. By the last hour I'm checking my watch every ten minutes. Then every five minutes. I guess that should be #11: Sitting still in a seat the size of a dinner plate. A seat that reclines two inches. How relaxing. Yet somehow it still bugs when the person in front of you does it. How is that possible?

7 Comments:

Blogger cat said...

i'm with you on all these peeves. i especially hate the "kicking the back of the seat" one. and even more.. when the parents get pissed because you turn around and glare at the kids (or ask them to stop). fuck them i say.

6:18 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Amen to all of those! Especially the people who stop in the aisle and then not get off the plane fast (you just KNOW they're the same people). I've had them do that people with connections deplane first thing, but people suck and get up anyway.
One for me... if I order a special meal, give it to ME, not some other guy. That totally defeats the purpose.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Kate the Peon said...

I always get stuck behind the person who leaves their seat reclined during meals, shoving my tray into my breasts. I subtly kick their seat until they get the hint.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Roman said...

Great post! Exactly my thoughts.
I would add - flight attendants that won't allow you to take separate empty seat because of 'balance'. Saying that because it will upset airplane's balance you should seat where your ticket says.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

If one person's body weight is going to upset the balance of the plane, we have bigger issues than reclined seats and screaming kids. I have yet to hear that response, but I await the day.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Putnawa said...

If I ever get that response and I'm not on a puddle-jumper I'm getting off the plane. Business trip or vacation, it will be ruined. I just don't care.

Cat's comments have a picture of a dog by them. Is that weird?

9:01 PM  
Blogger TerraT said...

Sandwiches don't travel well either. They get soggy and the lettuce gets... well.. gray. I just ask for the cookies or the peanuts/cashews and they can keep the rest of the regurgitated food for future passengers.

3:26 PM  

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