Behold!

I love me some red shoes. I just bought these on eBay.

Fucking DVDs

I just spent literally 15 minutes getting the fucking wrappers off 2 DVDs. I don't know why they act like national security rests on the ability of these DVDs to withstand human touch. I think if there is ever a nuclear attack, all that will be left standing are the cockroaches and millions of fully intact DVDs and CDs. Of course it doesn't help that once I get started it's like a freaking contest to see who will win, me or the DVD. I'll break a nail, I'll hurt my teeth, I will do anything possible to avoid getting up to get some scissors. Let that fucking wrapper get the best of me, HA! I win this time, you sons of bitches! Now let's go watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

More Can't Stop Laughing

Somewhat related to my post about if you believe in evolution you'll end up in hell, are these textbook disclaimer stickers warning you that science books may contain "facts."

Medical Crap

Dear Employees,
Don't complain to me about the cost of a certain medical procedure. I have no control over how much the doctor charged the insurance company for your X-ray. I have no way of knowing whether or not a CAT scan or an MRI is worth the 500 or 1000 the insurance company was charged. I do know that you have to pay your 250 deductible and get the fuck over it.

Thank you. :)

Gosh Damn It*

I am getting sick. I sort of felt like it when I work up this morning and planned to pound the echinacea when I got to work. The whole way to work I felt worse and worse and now I just sneezed. It wasn't the "oh, it's so dusty in here" kind of sneeze. It was the "now my head feels like a brick and the back of my mouth has that icky feeling" kind of sneeze. Echinacea, don't fail me now.

*"Gosh damn it" is what a friend of mine in college used to say when he wanted to curse but didn't want to take the Lord's name in vain. He was very Catholic. Except for the time when he knocked up his girlfriend.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

I don't work on Tuesdays. So why does my boss think it's ok to call me at 7:45 am? I wish I could call him a smarmy leprechaun, but he's 6'4, so it doesn't quite fit. I suppose I could say smarmy giant, or just smarmy bastard. I'd really like to leave the smarmy part in there though. Smarmy is a good word. Back to my point: Don't call me on my days off.

Freezing!

It was below freezing last night. And, this morning, when I got in my car, it was 34 degrees. There was frost on the windshield and on the grass. I guess I have forgotten everything I learned when I lived in Alaska. First, I had to go back into the house to get a coat. Second, I thought that a good way to clear the frost from the windshield would be to squirt near-freezing wiper fluid at it. Nice, iced over windshield. Third, I thought that if I kept squirting near-freezing wiper fluid at it, that would work. I didn't have anything to scrape the windshield with so I went back into the house to get a cup of hot water. Worked like a charm. Really, though, I should have to deal with this crap. This is Los Angeles!

P.S. I couldn't just leave it running and let the defrost do the work because I was completely out of gas and worried about having enough to make it to the gas station.

You're kidding me...

My boss emailed me today asking for a status on some stupidass project she wants me to do. Her comment in the email, 'It was so nice to have a long weekend.' Give me a freakin' break. She works 2 days a week and one 'work from home day.' Long weekend my ass. It was nice for ME... especially since she didn't come in early in the week to make up for the fact Thursdays & Fridays are her days in the office, obviously not this week.

Can't Stop Laughing

"If you believe in evolution instead of Jesus, you'll end up in hell." Read the hilariousness for yourself. This is fucking awesome.

Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer

I have never had someone so blatently stare at my chest the entire time I'm doing his transaction. I thought that only happened in the movies?

Double Schadenfreude

schadenfreude (n.) - Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

In my reply to my British friend who emailed me on Thanksgiving, I mentioned that I have been getting fatter. She replied, "It's evil but I'm glad I'm not the only one getting fatter. I'm now tipping the scales at 17 stone..." Well, I did the math and I now I have a bit of the schadenfreude myself.

Cram It

One of my hugest pet peeves is when someone says, "That's what I like to call..." and then says something totally regular. For instance, I was reading this article about holiday stress and the author wrote, "That's what I like to call cognitive dissonance..." Uh, excuse me, but that's what everyone in the field of psychology calls it, because that's what it is. You didn't invent the term, smartypants.

Just go

If you're going to wait until the last minute and cut in line right before the freeway entrance, you're going to need to be a little more aggressive. I'm not going to fight you on it, but don't expect me to slam on the brakes so you can ease on over. And don't honk at me if you can't make it in time, retard.

SBD

It's so nice when I am sitting on the couch, working on my laptop or reading or watching TV, and the dogs are curled up into cute little balls on the rug, just chillin. What is not nice is when the scent of rotting innards wafts into my nose from the stealthy ass of one of said dogs.

Please ignore me

Why do my neighbors think it's ok to stop me when I'm just going out to get the paper? I don't care what kind of wood you chose for your floor, and I certainly don't care how long it will take to order it. All I want is my paper and a cup of coffee. Do you not see me stealthily making my way back? Do you not notice how every time there's a two second pause in the conversation I practically run for my door? And I swear they lie in wait for me, because I check out the window first to see if the coast is clear. I make a dash for the driveway, grab the paper, run back, and...."Hey, Cindy!" Shit! He caught me! I need to train so I can run faster, pay the paperboy to throw it closer to the door, get up earlier, there's got to be something I can do! Sometimes I even resort to sending my kid out to get the paper. How sad is that? I need a backbone. Michelle, can I borrow yours?

Sarah Jessica Parker

Is not pretty. Her show is over. She needs to get off my TV now.

Temptation

I am so about to tear into the gourmet popcorn I bought to bring to my mom's house on Christmas day. The three flavor popcorn tin is a tradition, but I think the snack jones trumps tradition.

One-Idea Wonder

I am nearly done assembling my application for Columbia. The last piece of the puzzle is a one-page, double-spaced, 12-point Courier treatment (synopsis) for a movie idea that is not the same one I am submitting for my dramatic writing sample. I have been working so hard on my one script that I have never really fleshed out the other two movie ideas that I had started work on. Last week, I went to lunch with the screenwriting co-worker who is in my critique group. We talked through one of the ideas and he helped me come up with a direction to go in.

Yesterday, I put it all down on paper. It came out to 5.5 pages. I had the husband read it over dinner. He was not very helpful with his generic, "Sounds good." Today, for the last two hours, I have been struggling to cut 5.5 pages down to one. I have it down to just under two and I am stuck. This is really hard! For example, using the header they want me to use and all of the parameters I mentioned in the beginning, the preceding text in this post comes out to 3/4 of a page. And this is nothing!

Weather

It is so windy here. And I am a bit chilly, but that might be because I have no pants on. I hate the wind. It is my least favorite kind of weather. It might be the apocalypse. We have experienced two - that's right, TWO - different kinds of weather in Southern California in the last 24 hours. Wind and rain. I can barely cope.

False Alarm

After a brief crisis of faith, I have decided not give up the quest to reach 1000 posts by the 2nd blogiversary. Cindy Lou had a good idea. I should just get more posters. No, not like Duran Duran or Brad Pitt. (Joanne, remember the Legends of the Fall one we had in the kitchen when we lived in Little Beirut?)

Is there anyone reading this who wants to be added as a contributor to this blog? Leave a comment and let me know. I'll need your email address to invite you. Also, if no one says yes, you guys totally suck.

World of War Craft

Once upon a time, Michelle and her little Powerbook had the home wireless network all to themselves. They frolicked on the internet in the living room. They lollygagged on the web in bed. They took the blazing speed of the cable modem for granted. Little did they know all that was going to change one fateful Thanksgiving weekend. For that was the weekend that Michelle's husband bought World of War Craft and a wireless card for his laptop. They did not live happily ever after.

Bras

I slept in my bra Thursday night. Now where the band is is kind of rubbed raw, I don't think typically I wear them too tight because usually they feel just fine. It is,however, making current bra wearing unbearable.

When are you having kids?

Even my spinster (totally by choice) aunt is starting to ask the question. Now I just tell people the truth and make them feel bad for asking. We haven't been using birth control for over a year and nothing has happened.

Giving Up

Seven posts a day is a blistering pace and I am falling behind. I don't think we are going to make 1000 posts by the 2nd blogiversary. Party's off.

There She Goes

Is there no limit to the indignities this song has suffered? There She Goes by The La's was defamed long before the birth control commercial. It was forced to score the swap scene in the Lindsay Lohan version of The Parent Trap.

Nyah, Nyah, Nyah

I am totally, completely, 100% done with my Christmas shopping. I even wrapped everything. Needless to say, I am exhausted.

Gah! Christmas Again

How many more days? Seriously? My mother will have made me completely insane by the time it rolls around. I ask her for a list, she IM's it to me. In the course of the IM I say thank you but can you please EMAIL it so that I can have something to reference. She continues to IM me ideas. NOW, I just got back from Bed, Bath & Beyond. She IM's me, did I go shopping? Yes. What did you buy. I rattle off a list of things including one bathmat. Oh, she's sorry I bought a bathmat. Why, I ask. Because she was going to buy me a bathmat for Christmas. I can't get the woman to buy me the devil duck shower curtain I'm dying for but she is going to randomly buy me a bathmat? Apparently it matches the trashcan she thinks I need, who wants a trashcan and a bathmat for Christmas??

I realize I should be extremely thankful that she is buying me Christmas presents and thinking of me blah blah blah, but on some level this whole discussion represents our typical dynamic. She wants ideas of what I want/like. I give them to her. She doesn't like what I want/like so she translates them into something entirely different - that she likes.

Stuffin'

We normally have Mrs. Cubbison's Stuffin' in the "Seasoned" variety. My mom has always made that kind of stuffing and never deviated. It really is the best. Well, last year for New Year's, you may recall that the husband and I made a turducken. (See the last paragraph.) In the turducken was a layer of cornbread stuffing. It was muy declicioso. So, I have been wanting to try making it myself. I bought some Mrs. Cubbison's Stuffin' in the "Seasoned Corn Bread" variety. I am going to make it at my mom's house but she doesn't know it yet. Any wagers on how much she will freak out even though we are having regular stuffing (stuffin'), too? Speaking of which, I have to leave in half an hour. I better get my ass in gear.

Brits

Yay! My friend Claire who lives in England sent me an email. I received a birthday card from her in September with a note saying her computer was out of commission, but it is finally back. She emailed me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. It reminds be of that stupid song from (I think) Band-Aid. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Uh, not everyone celebrates Christmas, so if they don't know it's Christmas it might not be because they are poor. Just makes me wonder how the Brits know that today is Thanksgiving.

Free Turkey

I braved the grocery store yesterday because I didn't want to miss out on the free turkey. We are going to my mom's for dinner, so we don't have to make a turkey today, but I want to have one for later for deep frying. Mmm...

To get the free turkey, I had to buy $75 worth of groceries, so I stocked up on stuff we were out of and bought some random things. I even bought something to make for dinner, which is nearly unheard of around here.

I ended up buying $115 worth of stuff. Did I buy one single thing to have for breakfast today? No. Guess who is going to make macaroni and cheese right now.

In the way...

Fuckers, if we knock into you going back and forth to our dart board, it could be because you are in the fucking way. Move 2 feet to the right and we will stop bumping into you and you will stop being in the way. The space was there, occupy it.

Some people shouldn't procreate

While walking home today, I walked past a woman with two small children in tow. One was 5ish and the other toddler age. I caught the following quote: "Your bus driver is such a fucking bitch. You have to get a new bus driver. In fact, I'm not going to let you go to school until you get a new bus driver..." That may be paraphrased except the FUCKING BITCH part. Who says that to a 5 year old? Seriously? As well as who would not let the kid go to school because you don't like her bus driver? Is this appropriate parenting? As I walked up she was saying something about standing in the rain. I can only assume it was in relation to meeting the little tiny girl off the bus. Now whether or not the bus was late and she was pissed off about that and gave the bus driver a lecture or if she was pissed because she has to be outside, I don't know. But given her trashy appearance (it is 40 something degrees outside and she was wearing capris and flip flops) and attitude, I suspect she is in the wrong and not the bus driver. I wouldn't be shocked if child number 2's first words aren't either fucking or bitch.

Are you f*n kidding me?

I just brought the mail in. I have a jury summons for January 3rd.

Making a List

I was making a Christmas hint list for my husband in an email and I accidentally hit the back button, erasing everything I had done.

Update:
I started the list over in Word and it was twice as long when I tried to save it. Word unexpectedly quit and destroyed my document. I hate Microsoft.

WInter

Normally I love winter. I love snow. I love cold. Here are 2 things I hate... dry skin. Apparently the whole cold air and heater thing dries out the air and makes me ridiculously itchy. The 2nd. Wind. It has been blowing for hours here and I HATE wind.

Lunch peeve

Maybe 3rd time is a charm. We apparently are having connection issues here and so everytime I go to publish this peeve, the page cannot be found and when I refresh it goes back to the main list of peeves page.

Anyway...

I went to the student center for lunch today. (Is it ironic that I bitched and complained about UAF's caf for 4 years, but now spend my own hard earned money to eat here. It is cheaper than going off campus.) I ordered my bacon burger. The guy behind the counter says "no cheese?" Yes, I confirm, no cheese. He writes this down on the order pad. He turns to cook and says bacon burger, no cheese and puts order in front of cook. You know where this is going right? Bacon burger comes with cheese. Yuck, American cheese. Worse, I actually take it rather than have them redo it because that's another 15 min waiting for the next burger to cook.

Indecision

For one of my applications I have to write a two-page, double-spaced essay. The directions: Choose a film you like and write about an aspect of it (a scene, one or two shots, the music, etc.). Talk about your personal response to it and how it works in relation to the whole.

I am frozen. I can't pick a movie or an aspect of it. So, I ask you, please tell me about a particular thing in a movie that affected you in some manner. Thanks!

God Help Me

Why am I always the dumb bastard who:
* Is sitting in the only lane of traffic that is not moving. I sit there like an idiot while other commuters speed past me on their way to their own private hells.
* Changes lanes thinking that I'll get into a faster one, only to find that traffic has ground to a halt in my new lane.
* Finds a good song on the radio, only to discover that it is almost over and the next song that comes on makes me want to stab myself in the ear with a pen.

Just wondering.

Glasses & Gross Out

I hate that my glasses are perpetually dirty. It seems like they always have fingerprints, grease, soda spots, and just general crap on them. It makes me nuts.

I HATE HATE HATE gross out shows. I'm watching Real World/Road Rules challenge, which I generally love, but I can't cope with bugs. And them eating, and chewing and letting bugs crawl on them... EEEEWWWWW!!!! Too horrifying. I can't even watch it.

Procrastination

Blargh! I have only seven days to write 90% of the stuff I need to have for all of my graduate school applications. The worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself. Damn me.

Increasing the Post count

Normally I wouldn't post this, but the wife needs posts, so here goes what my day has consisted of:

Location B has a dedicated connection to Site C. Both sites have servers that can talk to each other over that dedicated connection... Would that mean, to you, that said connection is working fine, and Server B is having a hard time contacting Workstation C because someone rebooted Server B?

It only took dozens of phone calls (and a full tin of Wintergreen Altoids) for me to finally talk to the right person at Company B, so they type one line and fix their server's configuration.

I think someone owes me a comission check and I'm probably going to become diabetic after eating a whole tin of Altoids...

Customer service rep

We have a new one for the dental plan. I must say we've had a new one for almost a year and somehow I have not known it, I kept calling the old one and she never corrected me. I don't like this new eligiblity person. She seems less smart.

Christmas Shopping Peeve

Each year my family does lists. It makes life oh so much easier... everyone except my mother the most impossible person on the planet to shop for. And hypocritical, she actually asks for the lists, but won't make one because "We should know her well enough by now to know what she wants." I would point out the hypocrisy but that means I end up with things for Christmas like a Charlie's Angels Full Throttle hat instead of the DVD I asked for. (A hat purchased at a yard sale I may add). So this year I send out a list with a variety of items in varying price ranges. And now begins the go-round. She wants to buy me something personal like jewelrey or a coat. We have very different tastes in jewelrey and to let her buy me a coat would mean she would know my size. It all just makes me too tired. I would suggest not getting anyone anything except Kayla (who is 6 or 8?) but that would send the woman over the edge, so I guess it is LL Bean jammies & slippers again this year.

Blogiversary Update

A couple of months ago when I asked for a little bit of help in order to reach 1000 posts by our two-year blogiversary, we only needed to make sure we had three posts a day. Well, due to slacker ways we now need SEVEN posts a day to make it to 1000 by December 19th. Eek!

(1 down, 185 to go)

Laundry

Dammit! Someone has figured out my laundry room secret. I went down there at a few minutes past 7 and all 3 washers were full. >:@ Someday I am going to live in my own place with the following: dishwasher, my own washer & dryer and a balcony if I don't have a back yard.

Commercial Peeves

Does it seem like there are MORE commercials on lately during an average show? I'm starting to feel like I'm watching commercials with brief interruptions from While You Were Out.

It is bad enough that Six Pence None The Richer ruined There She Goes by the LA's (I believe although Michelle will know for sure), but now it is uses in a commercial for birth control so it is on all the time? Yuck.

Could local commercials be any more ridiculously bad? Sometimes they're just painful. This doesn't make me want to run right out and shop at this local store.

Voltaire! I watch too much TV.

Yum, but...

I love bacon and bought some today for brunch. I actually managed to cook it without overcooking it (usually a difficulty of mine), BUT now my entire teeny weeny apartment reeks of bacon.

I think this is a peeve of mine from before, but the only thing I hate about winter is how my radiator bangs. Like a ghost hammering on it with a lead pipe.

Friday Evening Grumps

It is Friday night. One would think the bank would have more people than 2. Apparently not. In fact I've never seen the bank with more than 2 tellers on duty even though there is usually a fairly long line at the bank.

To the person in the bank with the pot leaves on his elbow... really? Pot leaves... C'mon. When you're 60 and a grandfather are you really going to want pot leaves on your body? At least my dragonfly has some meaning to me. I guess pot leaves have meaning.

I was eating my Greek takeout and I had it balanced on the arm of my sofa. :( I knocked it off. And it flipped upsidedown spilling all my food on the floor. So now I didn't get to eat too much and I don't know if I have anything else to have.

I was holding the elevator door for this lady in my building... and holding it.. and holding it... and holding it... it seemed to take her forever so I gave up. She's probably thinking damn girl couldn't hold the door. Maybe that's why I knocked the dinner over.

Random peeves

eek! There are like over 100 posts needed to make it to the 1000 Michelle wants by Peevishness & Botheration's 2 year anniversary.

1 - Dear flipflop guy... It is now cold enough outside that I can see my breath. That means I should no longer have to see your toes. That's one of the best things about winter, no more gross boy toes. Put on shoes please.

2 - Dear Produce guy... The oranges you helped me pick out are not good. :( Aren't you supposed to know this shit?

3 - Stomach is back to bugging again. This time I don't know why. :(

Paperwork

Ok... if you've handed me your form. You've confirmed that I am who I am. There is absolutely no reason to email me the next day to confirm that I have received your paperwork. Seriously. You put it in my hand. I'm pretty sure I've got it. I didn't drop it on the floor or anything.

Holy Moly

I don't usually just post link to articles, but my goodness that is a lot of episodes and Susan Lucci has been there the whole time.
'All My Children' Tapes 9,000th Episode

VIP Room

Thanksgiving is next week. Damn, that came fast. What that means for me now is that I waited too long to call the kennel about getting the dogs in for this weekend so that I can go to Toronto, since people are already heading out of town for the holiday. I had to call their old kennel (a.k.a. The Four Seasons for Dogs with prices to match), which is also the rescue place where we got Shelby. They were also full. Then I said the magic words, "It's for Shelby and Bear. You remember Shelby?" The lady was all, "Oh! Of course, and Bear is such a sweetheart." Suddenly, it was like my dogs were celebrities. She rearranged others dogs and made room for Bear and Shelby "at the ranch," but the ranch, though close to where we used to live, is not so close to where we live now. So I asked the lady if I could just drop them off at the nearby location. She said sure. She is going to drive them to the ranch for me.

I may not be able to live like a rock star, but at least my dogs can.

Music Peeve

I hate it when songs are edited for lyrical content. I especially hate it when the producers (I think that's the people who would do this) do it crappily. Several examples lately... From the Smile Empty Soul song "Nowhere kids" the real line is The fucking bastards that you created... the edited version... The Ef [beat of silence] bastards that you created. They also edit out damn in the song. So this is one I downloaded so I really didn't know that was what I was getting. (and probably shouldn't complain too much). While I lived in CA, I bought TLC's Fanmail. I could've sworn it said explicit lyrics on the CD case. So I listen and don't really notice until I lose that copy of the CD and buy a new one. Oh my was I shocked at the difference. This one song called U in Me that was almost entirely edited out since it is all about well... should be obvious. :) Another song has THE N word peppered liberally through it and instead of playing it they do a little musical noise. I also have a downloaded version of St. Anger by Metallica and the line "Fuck it all and no regrets" they play a static noise over fuck. Seriously if we have to pander to the overly conservative republican parents, can't the music industry have the artists record 2 versions of the song so that when subjected to the edited version there's no weird gaps and silence and sometimes random noise. Because really, that makes it so much more obvious. And how is fuck and damn edited out (ok fuck I can see, but damn?) yet bastard is kept in? To me that word is so much more offensive.

I'm Rad but I also Suck

The low number of new posts is due to how much time I have been spending studying the GRE. I took a practice test last night.

99th percentile Verbal
47th percentile Math

Uh, I need to spend the next two hours memorizing formulas for circles, triangles and paralellograms. Wish me luck.

Lessons Learned

One should not try to study for the GRE in bed, under the covers, with the curtains drawn. Turns out that is only good for napping.

Funny Ha Ha

Two of the times in my life that I have laughed the hardest involved house pets. I was staying at a friend's house in high school. I was laying on the couch on my back, watching TV. I put one foot down on the floor just as their cat was walking by. That cat jumped like six feet straight up in the air. I literally fell off the couch I was laughing so hard.

Before we got married, my husband was visiting me at my parents' house one weekend with his dog (the boy dog, Bear). We were chilling in the pool, floating around on rafts. The dog was dozing in the sun near the jacuzzi. He stretched out in his sleep just enough to send him rolling backwards over the edge and into the water. I saw it happening like it was in slow motion. He let out this hilarious yelp and shot out of the water. He stood at the edge of the pool dripping and skinny-looking with his fur all wet. He looked so sad which just made us laugh even harder. I still crack up every time I picture him rolling slow motion into the water.

You know how somtimes you get the giggles and you just can't turn it off no matter what? Usually it's late at night and you're tired or drunk and something sets you off and you can't get yourself under control. Well, one time that it happened to me, I was neither tired nor drunk nor was it late at night. Joanne and I signed up for a faux finishes class (nerdy, I know) at the local community college. It took us forever to find a parking spot so the class was packed by the time we got there. We sat at a table in the back. The class was so ridiculously painful with that woman going on and on and on and rambling and then there was this awful speaker, the prototypical haughty gay designer. By the time he was done, we were ready to gouge our eyes out to put an end to it all. For some reason we didn't feel like we could just walk out, so we were writing notes to each other on our notepads about the all the things in the world that would be less painful than that class. With each pass of the notepad, it escalated until we were doing that thing you do when you try to keep from busting up. Our eyes were watering, our faces were contorted with the effort to contain our laughter, which would sometimes escape in the form of a snort. Finally, we escaped. Finally. We could not stop laughing all the way to the car. Even the parking ticket I got was a small price to pay for our freedom.

I know these incidents probably don't translate well - the types of things where you just had to be there - but I am cracking up remembering them and I know that Joanne, at least, is cracking up reading them.

Good Morning, Jesus

That's right, I am up at 7:19 on a Sunday morning. I've been up for two hours. I had to take my husband to the airport.

On the way home, I was flipping through the radio stations and found The Jesus Christ Show. You can call in and ask Jesus questions about the bible or what you should do or why things are the way they are. Seems like a good way to get in a weekly dose of churchin'.

Semitic

I don't think that Jewish folk should use "Jesus Christ" as an exclamation when speaking. Just seems odd to me.

exploding at this very moment

What the god damn fucking fuck? I could kill myself from automated phone systems. The Los Angeles County Assessor's Office has the worst one I have ever encountered and for my job at Amgen in 1999, I called about 5000 of them so I have a pretty good base of experience. Now I am on the automated phone system for Oppenheimer Funds. If I should be calling a different customer service phone number to speak to someone regarding my Roth IRA, THEN PUT THAT FUCKING PHONE NUMBER ON MY STATEMENT. I am so going to lose it today.

A little etiquette, people

I just got a call from some dude asking for a reference for some other dude who at first I couldn't remember and then realized was a very annoying customer of ours. Perhaps if the annoying customer had called/emailed/smoked signalled to ask me nicely for a reference, I would not have been forced to explain to the dude that I have had about ten minutes worth of interaction with the guy, only two of which involved me not wanting to stab him in the heart with a sharpie.

Commuting Peeves

For Christ's sake, the accident is on the other side of the freeway.

Turn off your brights, you assfuck.

When did I become an NPR person?

$35.00 and it didn't even fill my gas tank all the way.

Are there really hookers in my neighborhood? Someone put a red lightbulb in their porch light.

More meeting peeves...

Today was day 2 of my conference.

1 - Shit always happens when I'm not in the office that gets my boss all pissed off at me. Sigh.
2 - People who ask these incredibly complicated and intricate questions that are related to the topic but are so obscure that it only affects like one out of every 1000 people so really isn't pertinent to the group.
3 - Tappers and clickers need to not do that.
4 - Addendum to the cellphone peeve, people who have cellphones that have the alarm when there's a message. People who leave their pagers and beepers on and people who have palm pilots that have reminder noises. All who fail to turn them off suck.

Shut Up

To the Senior Director of Really Important Things who insists on yelling at people when they disagree with him: "Irregardless" is not a fucking word. If you want to scream about how stupid people are, you might want to consider using real words in your sentences.

And for anybody who wants to tell me that it's a real word because a dictionary acknowledges that it is commonly accepted after years of being improperly used, fuck you too.

Catalog Ass

Online media is not the same as print media. I HATE shopping web sites that put their print catalog online. If I wanted to flip through pages of uncategorized crap I would be looking at the stupid print catalog in the first place, not visiting the web site. Ass.

Won't you be my neighbor?

I live in a pretty standard neighborhood for Los Angeles. It isn't ghetto, but it isn't fancy. It is full of single-family homes that come in small, medium and large. I own a medium-sized house (4 bd, 1655 sq. ft., so I was quite surprised to hear on the radio on my way home last night that, at a major intersection a mile and a half away from my house, a man was shot in his car after an apparent altercation with another driver. Shortly after hearing that, about three miles away from my house in the opposite direction, I saw what appeared to be two hookers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, everyone wishes they had my life.

Meeting etiquette

I've spent the day in a training about Medicare. I did this voluntarily so it isn't punishment for any wrong doing but there are a few peeves that just grated the whole time I was in the meeting.

1 - If you are late, sneak in the back door and grab the handouts later. Don't make a big production of coming in and getting handouts. (Which if the meeting facilitator thought they would've put the handouts in the back to begin with).
2 - TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONES! Seriously. Unless you are a physician waiting a call on a transplant organ or...no really that's the only reason I can think of that makes it okay to not only keep the cell phone on, and to take the call. Corollary to this, if you leave your cell phone on, leave the meeting to take the call. Don't sit there in the middle of the meeting talking on your cell phone and being a distraction.
3 - Start the meeting on time! I actually managed to get my ass there on time, don't disrespect me by waiting for the stragglers.
4 - Biggest peeve Joanne has... Random stoppers. When we're sitting in rows and I have to wait for others to go in my row to get out... Don't stop at the head of the row to chat with your buddies about where you're going to lunch or to network or whatever. Get the fuck out of the way.

Finally unrelated to meetings... Hey Smokey Smokerson. Don't stand right by the fucking door to smoke your cigarettes. There's a reason the ashtrays are about 10 feet or so from the door. Stand there. I realize it is cold but this is the choice you make when you take up and then continue the filthy habit. I HATE HATE HATE having to walk through your cloud of smoke to get in and out of a building.

(hee Blogger's spell check does not recognize fuck or fucking and wants to replace it with buck and bucking.)

34% Evil

Turns out this blog is 34% EVIL and 66% GOOD. I would have thought it was the other way around. How evil is your site?

PIN

I HATE web sites that make you use a PIN that you can't change to something that you can easily remember.

Cheaters

I am watching an Oprah that I have on TiVO from last week. The topic is women who have stayed with their cheating husbands. I am absolutely appalled. One man was cheating on his wife for 15 years. Another man cheated on his wife for 5 of the 7 years they have been married and he doesn't seem to want to give up that behavior.

Why do these women feel that it is ok to let someone treat them like that? Even if the men are so sorry and honestly vow to change their ways, why do these women want to be with men who would do something like that in the first place? I would never want to be the kind of person who would have such a casual disregard for the feelings of someone I cared about and I would not want to associate myself with that kind of person, let alone be married to that person.

On the radio last week, the morning show I listen to had Rabbi Schmuley as a guest. He basically said that men have to accept that if they ignore their wives, their wives are going to cheat. He was blaming the men for the wives' infidelity.

Not once on either one of these shows did someone say, "It is NOT ok to cheat on your spouse!" How fundamental is that? It is NOT ok to cheat on your spouse. It's right in the vows you say on the first day of your marriage... forsaking all others. It isn't forsaking all others until your husband stops paying attention to you, or forsaking all others until you have a baby and your wife starts devoting her life to the baby, or forsaking all others until you meet your real soul mate, or forsaking all others until you feel like your wife doesn't understand you anymore. It is an unqualified, unequivocal forsaking of all others. How hard is it to understand that there are absolutely no circumstances whatsoever in which it is ok to cheat?

Regardless of the reasons cheaters give for their behavior, it is ALWAYS the cheater's fault. The other spouse, the one being cheated on, no matter how shrewish, how inattentive, how abusive has NO BLAME WHATSOEVER in this situation. Is the cheated on person a horrible spouse? Maybe, but that does not give the other spouse the right to cheat! If you are having a problem in your marriage talk to your spouse. Get counseling. Just leave. Whatever. But cheating? What is this? High school? Grow the fuck up already.

So many of the men said they were doing it for the rush, the excitement. Ridiculous. Why are some women so willing to forgive this? And I don't, for one second, buy the "for the children" excuse. One of the children of the older couple on Oprah said that, in the beginning, what he learned from it was that it is ok to mess around on your wife. Wow. Way to teach your children about marriage and family. No, I don't have any children and if I did I might feel differently, but I wouldn't be a different person. I am certain that one of the things I would never want to teach my theoretical children is that it is ok for someone to lie to them, to betray them and to hurt them, nor would I want to teach them that it is ok for them to treat other people that way.

One woman in the audience of Oprah said that she left her husband of 32 years when she discovered he was cheating on her. Oprah asked if he had confessed. No, the woman found out on her own. Oprah asked if it would have made a difference if he had. The woman said, "No. How could I stay with a man like that?" Tell it, sister.

Brace Face

I finally have my invisalign braces. I thought I was going to be drooling and slurring my words for awhile until I got used to them, but so far so good. No one has noticed anything. At least no one has said anything about it. My "S"s sound a little funny because my teeth don't close all the way, but that should fix itself fairly quickly.

I definitely know the braces are there and I can feel the pressure on my teeth, but it doesn't hurt to have them on. My teeth actually hurt more when I don't have them on, so that should cut down on the eating since the only time I am supposed to take them off is to eat and brush my teeth. I need to ask the dentist about diet Coke, though.

In about one year, my teeth will look fairly straight, but I have ten more months to go after that until all the final little adjustments are made and my teeth are perfectly straight. Well, as straight as they can be.

Joanne's Fashion Faux Pas Redux

This morning I went through about 4 different sweater options before settling on the one I'm wearing. Since the 1st sweater option was dark enough to allow a black bra that's what I put on. I wasn't really thinking about it as I tried on various sweaters. I got to work today not really thinking about it. I went to the bathroom... Oh look the tan sweater I'm wearing is not really dark enough to hide the fact I'm wearing a black bra. It isn't as glaring as wearing a sheer white shirt, but it is noticable. Dangit.

Also, the leafblower I walk past on my way to work... if he doesn't want to get shoved under a bus in the morning, he needs to seriously stop blowing the leaves and crap when I walk by. This morning he and I were walking towards each other. Now normal worker/leaf blower etiquitte is that he stops when people walk by. Not this guy... keeps blowing and I got debris in both eyes. I could've been blinded for life! I'm so suing as soon as I figure out who he works for.

Didn't care before. Still don't.

I am so not up in arms over Bush winning the election. Just thought you should know.

Election Coverage (not really)

I have the election coverage on in the background and I look up at it from my reading every now and then. Several times I have caught a glimpse of a name in the ticker at the bottom of the screen and it reminded me of a discussion we had at lunch about last names. There is some Republican, running for some office in some state, going by the name of Crapo. Why would you not change that?

The discussion at lunch included a woman who changed her last name from Major to Weiner when she got married. (Husband insists on pronouncing it Weener. Wife fortunately did not choose the hyphenate Major-Weiner.) Also included was a man whose last name is Tykcxinzkky (or, something similar) and who despaired of ever finding a woman who would take his last name. Then he met Miss Dick. And they lived happily ever after.

Covetous

Would I leave my husband for a man who drives a BMW 645Ci convertible? Of course not. Would I stare at my dream car in such a lascivious manner that the hot guy driving it thinks that I am warm for his form? Sadly, yes.

Fashion Faux Pas

This morning while getting ready for work I figured I would just wear my sketchers all day. This did not take into consideration the amount of pouring going on outside nor the fact that I haven't worn them in many many months. Since I was going to wear them, it didn't matter what socks I was wearing. However, since they were killing my calves (they weigh like 5 lbs each I swear and seem to force my feet to walk differently than I'm used to because they are very broken in) AND they were very wet inside I changed to one of the many pairs of 'work shoes' under my desk. They are black. My pants are black. My socks... White. Sigh. I look like such a geek! My other options under the desk, another pair of black shoes, and 3 pairs of various shades of brown sandal things.

Aunt Flo

My period is starting in a couple days. Evidence:

1. Two zits.
2. I got all choked up over an OnStar commercial on the radio. This old guy in Florida uses the OnStar in his car and asks them if they can call a number for him because he can't get through on the phone lines due to the hurricanes. OnStar patches him through to his daughter who immediately starts crying and says she was so worried about him. Christ. I am getting all choked up again.

Dear Open Enrollees

1 - If you have handed your open enrollment form to the receptionist in the HR office and watched her put it in the basket with all the other open enrollment forms in the HR office, you really don't need to call me to confirm that yes we have received your open enrollment form.
2 - Yes I am well aware that we used to give you 1/3 of your benefit dollars back if you wavied coverage. Yes I'm well aware this was about 100/paycheck. But guess what, we aren't doing that anymore so get the fuck over it.
3 - Finally, I am well aware that your life is busy and that this takes time and brain cells to process, but seriously, we offered 2 meetings for you to come and ask any questions you wanted. Ten of you showed up. Total. Ten out of almost 1000. That's 1%. For the other 99% TDB this wasn't a priority for you before so my helping you isn't a priority now.

Thank you,
Your annoyed benefits staff

Jarred

I am sitting here in bed, working, (on top of the covers now instead of under; it has warmed up in here) listening to the wind chimes on the back porch and the distant sound of a lawn mower. Shelby is all curled up in Bear's bed, while Bear warms the floor near the dresser. Suddenly, the peace is interrupted by vicious barking and the clatter of claws on the hardwood floors because the dogs heard a leaf drop or a robin fart in the front yard. Scared the shit right out of me.

I am so glamorous

I know that many of you are envious of my glamorous LA lifestyle, what with the fashion and the celebrities and the fancy cars.

Why, just this morning as I was standing in my driveway, waiting for a tow truck, the wind whipping my hair around my face, I was thinking to myself, "Now, this is the life." And, three hours later, when I finally got a ride home from the old guy driving the courtesy shuttle from the dealership, I was thinking, "So many people wish they were me right now." And, even now, as I sit under not one, not two, but three comforters and an electric blanket, wearing a polar fleece jacket because the heating repair guy from the home warranty place still hasn't come, I am thinking, "If only Vogue had a spare camera crew, I know they would want to do a spread on this."