Friday, December 31, 2004

Another New Year's Eve Drink Recipe

This one is even better.

1. Fill the cup halfway with Malibu Pineapple Rum.
2. Fill the cup to 3/4 with Malibu Coconut Rum.
3. Top off with diet Sierra Mist.

It tastes like a pina colada, but it's all clear and diet like.

Happy New Year's Eve!

Michelle's Recipe for New Year's Eve Deliciousness

1. Fill glass 1/4 full with Malibu Pineapple Rum.
2. Fill glass to the halfway mark (or more) with Malibu Coconut Rum.
3. Add a splash of pineapple juice for vitamins.
4. Top it off with diet Sierra Mist.

My gift to you on this most holy of nights.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

harsh then scary

I have only seen Without a Trace a few times. The previouslies for this show included the boss man quitting his job, saying that he was moving to Chicago because his wife got a job there. A couple scenes later, the wife says, "I don't want you to move to Chicago with us." Boss man asks, "Why?" Wife says, "I don't want to be married to you anymore." Ouch.

Then the opening scene of tonight's show freaked me the fuck out. If I had to lose one sense, losing my vision would be the worst. A newly blind girl and her "mobility instructor" are on a camping trip to practice getting around blind, I guess. The instructor walks into the pitch black woods alone to prove to the blind girl that the blind girl can do it, too. Then they both get kidnapped. But it was scary. Really. I'm not a baby.


Diet Dr. Pepper and marshmallows make a foam in your stomach that threatens to choke you when you burp.

The In-Laws Have Left the Building

The husband drove his mom and step-dad to the airport at 7:00 this morning. They are now flying somewhere over the middle of the country.

Their visit went well. They were both very nice (not evil) and, dare I even say it, a pleasure to have around. Now, before you go calling the police to report that my body has been snatched and is now inhabited by aliens or zombies or whatever, I have to say that a nine-day visit by the in-laws, nice though they may be, did result in a list a peeves.

1. Step-FIL cannot stay out of the kitchen and has the uncanny ability to predict where you need to be in the kitchen and then stand there. In the way.
2. MIL insisted on paying me $4 for some prints I ordered off of for her.
3. MIL did not do a good job of covering her shock over how much money we spend on certain things. Like $5 for valet parking at the mall.
4. Step-FIL left his stuff everywhere. Every flat surface had an empty coffee mug on it sitting on a paper towel.
5. MIL eats lemons. Entire lemons. Skin and all. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


Answers to questions. Since I said I would do it. Thanks for participating. Joanne. And Cindy Lou.

Joanne said...

Movie: A Knight's Tale [I refuse to see it due to my intense hatred of historically inaccurate speech.] Or maybe Bourne Supremecy [Saw it. Liked it.] Or else Princess Diaries 2 [Will eventually see it. Anne Hathaway is pretty.]
Book: Bad Girl Creek by Jo-Ann Mapson [The flower farm thing sounds familiar, but I don't recognize the title. Does one of the ladies have AIDS?]
Simple Plan or Story of the Year or Smile Empty Soul or Franky Perez (I love his song Something Crazy) [Will check out all of them.]

Who do you think would win in a girl fight, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson or Hillary Duff? [Definitely Britney. The others are too frilly.]
What is it you are going to name your little chihuahua when you get him/her? [Chi Chi!]
What is your favorite feature on you? [Thin wrists and long fingers.]

CL said...

Book: The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen [Read it. Eh. It took me so long to get through it. Most of the time I had the feeling that JF was too pleased with his own cleverness to care about the reader.]
CD: Toad the Wet Sprocket, Fear [Have it. Haven't listen to it in ages. Will put it back into the rotation.]
Movie: I'll go with Harvey. It's got Jimmy Stewart in it. [Will check it out.]

1. Have you ever run over an animal? [Nope.]
2. What super power do you wish you had? [I just answered this earlier for one of those quizzes. I would choose teleportation because I am so lazy. Mind reading would be a close second, though. Can I have both?]
3. When was the last time you made out at the movies? [I am not sure if I ever have. Concerts, school dances, parties, alleys, bars, the Las Vegas strip... yes. The movies? No.]

One Bad MoFo

How does one pass the time when one only has to work half a day anyway? Why, one takes quizzes of course.

:: how jedi are you? ::

Does everyone get the same answer on this one? I haven't seen a different one yet. Maybe all my friends are made out of beer.

What Flavour Are You? I tashte like Alcohol.I tashte like Alcohol.

Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

Monday, December 27, 2004

TV Peevy

I hate on cop shows and hospital shows where the women have stupidly long hair and they don't tie it back. If you were a nurse and bending over blood and sick all day, I am fairly sure you would have your hair in a ponytail or a bun. Same goes for the female detective who is potentially contaminating all manner of crime scenes with three foot long hairs covered in layers of product.

Empty boxes in the cupboard

Dammit, I hate it when an inconsiderate person puts a box or container of food in the cupboard and it is empty or only has like a tiny teaspoonful left. You think you've got something, but you don't because the box is empty. It is even worse when that inconsiderate person is me. :)

Q&A Post

I don't think I have ever done one of these before because it reeks of a chain letter, but since I responded to Cindy Lou's I now feel obliged. Have at it.

(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie
2. a book
3. a musical artist, song, or album

(B) Ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Answers will be posted in a couple days--great time for strangers to say hi.

(C) Then go back to your blog and copy and paste this, allowing your friends to ask you anything; say that you stole it from me.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Blog Drunks

In honor of two years and 1000 posts full of peevishness and botheration, the P&B bloggers celebrated with drinks on December 19th. A few of the posting regulars weren't able to make it, so Michelle, Bubba, Joanne and Cindy Lou gladly took one or two or a six pack for the team.

"Happy blogiversary to us..." Joanne and Michelle smiled happily for the camera, unaware that on the other side of the giant cupcake, Cindy Lou was hitting on Michelle's husband, Bubba, by showing him her underpants.

Bubba tried to hide his down home roots by drinking an uptown Chimay while Michelle drank anything red as long as it was in a martini glass.

Joanne arm wrestled Cindy Lou for the last potato skin and won. The waiter was so impressed by Joanne's awesome display of strength that he quickly complied with her demand for "a big ass drink with Red Bull and don't be stingy with the cherries."

Cindy Lou said, "Hells ya, I want another beer. Bring it on, bitch!"

The Chimay was more than Bubba could handle. He ended up face down in cupcake before the night was over.

Everyone had a bit too much to drink and got lost on their way to the parking lot.

Really lost.

And Michelle fell tragically to her death.

Or so the others thought and totally freaked the fuck out. When they finally made it down to her, they discovered she was just fine and was laughing her ass off all, "Dudes, you should have seen the looks on your faces!"

A great time was had by all. Here's to another year of peeves, bothers, gripes and complaints.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Irritation personified

I took care of Caden all day. I finished up the christmas shopping. Caden had no nap. I'm tired. I have a headache. I want a break.
Me: I'm exhausted
Husband: Me, too
(Husband stayed up late watching TV last night, had the day off, and went to a restaurant/bar for an offsite xmas party today)

take two:

Husband: Can you pick up Caden from preschool tomorrow?
Me: I thought you had the week off
Him: Yeah, I just want to take him to school
Me: Why?
Him: So I can do things tomorrow
So, let me get this straight. You want to dump him off at school even though you have the day off, then make me fight traffic for an hour and a half to get him after work? Sure! Happy to!

bryan is from da blog

That Googlism is addictive. Here is a short list of the husband. It cracked my shit up.

bryan is looking for his canadian
bryan is the man
bryan is set to perform on thursday or friday
bryan is a wanker
bryan is one of those 'scary' computer people
bryan is rural
bryan is available for the fee of $2
bryan is drawn into a net of deceit that will circle back to his own firm
bryan is one of her earlier projects
bryan is making me do this

Merci beaucoup, little french dude

Okay, so it's not often that I get all "yay, Canada" on everybody, but I gotta tell you, sometimes it's nice to speak with someone who isn't an idiot and even nicer when they're one of my countrymen.

The Urban Outfitters web site clearly states that gift cards can be ordered in Canadian dollars for use in Canadian stores and they provide two telephone numbers- a toll free number and a number with a Montreal area code. Not wanting to waste precious company money calling Canada, I try the toll free number. Of course, I get the new girl who has no idea where Canada is much less how to input an order for a Canadian gift card. Being a former call centre trainer, I'm unusually sympathetic to the newbies so I give her the benefit of the doubt and hold forever while she tries to find someone to help her figure it out. 10 minutes later my ears are bleeding from the Clay Aiken version of the First Noel, so I hang up and give my peeps in la belle cite a call.

A very knowledgable guy with the cutest little french accent answers, takes all of my information, repeats it back to me (not making one mistake) and I'm done in 5 minutes. Oh and he knew how to spell "Mississauga". "My ex-girlfriend eez from zer. I know ow to spell eet." Fuck you, stupid girl from Colorado.

Miss Lee if you're nasty

14 out of 15 ain't bad:

nikki lee is a korean
nikki lee is a wetlands wet partners web site
nikki lee is curious about the things we have to carry in order to gain access to certain places
nikki lee is pulling down six boards a game while hansen is also pulling down 5
nikki lee is one of my (fluffy bunnies)
nikki lee is awesome
nikki lee is set to play wonko the sane in her screen debut
nikki lee is stroking donald's… shoes
nikki lee is a master in the con trick of changing identity
nikki lee is down
nikki lee is a lovely blond who has a thing for black men
nikki lee is an official with the world wakeboard association
nikki lee is a lot of people
nikki lee is a hot amateur wife who always gets nasty
nikki lee is in these movies
nikki lee is a nordic blonde who prefers black men

Monday, December 20, 2004

michelle is a dangerous thing

Thanks to Cindy Lou, I had to Googlism my name. Looks about right to me.

michelle is also a former vice (for whom, I wonder)
michelle is gaining strength and becoming more dangerous (fear me)
michelle is amazed that one of her peers could be so "grown up"
michelle is none too happy (you got that right)
michelle is the great
michelle is a little bit more experienced (than you)
michelle is acting like a tramp
michelle is the pink lady
michelle is reading my journal (don't be a crybaby)
michelle is so asian
michelle is an adorable twenty inch (gnome)
michelle is no good
michelle is feeling the vibe (it's my adorable twenty inch)

Rainbows! Unicorns! Hello Kitty!

I am fresh out of peeves at the moment (No need to worry, I am sure they will return after lunch.) so here is a list of yummy, cute or cute and yummy things that I love, love, love and want to squeeze so tight until I twinkle (not tinkle).
  1. Chocolate-covered marshmallows from Crate & Barrel. Stomach ache be damned! I'll eat the whole bag.
  2. Hello Kitty. I just love her.
  3. It's a Festival of Cheese! There are few things I love more than processed meat and cheese on a cracker.
  4. Chihuahuas! They are just so cute and little. Aw! I want both of them.
  5. Firefighters and cookies: two great tastes that taste great together.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Rush Hour with Mid-Westerners

The mother-in-law and her new husband arrive at LAX at 5:30 pm on a weeknight right before Christmas. They could not have picked a worse time to come in. It would take use two hours to get home in that traffic. I hope they aren't too tired from their trip because we are stopping for dinner. We are going to start our week-long Los Angeles tourist attaction extravaganza right at the airport. I have seen this thing since I was a kid and never been inside it.

Be gone!

I love the internets! I scheduled a pick-up online with the Salvation Army. They are coming to get all my crap next week right before the mother-in-law and her new husband arrive.

Friday, December 17, 2004

An Ode to Crap

I was just Next Blogging while watching TV and I can't believe how many crap poetry blogs I came cross. HATE. Your poetry sucks. If you have to put it in a blog to get people to read it, it sucks. Really. I'm sorry.

The Incredibles are Homeless

Usually only my celebrity sightings make it on to I never thought seeing those homeless guys in Santa Monica everyday would pay off.

Bloody Booger

I was watching an old episode of The Newlyweds - I have a morbid fascination with Jessica Simpson - and she was complaining about having a bloody booger. I was like, I hear ya, sistah! but Nick and CaCee (what kind of fucked up spelling is that anyway?) were acting like they didn't know what she was talking about. Whatever.

There is no way you can live in Southern California and never have had a bloody booger. We have freaking Santa Ana* winds today. They wreak havoc on my mucus membranes. I want to stick my finger in my nose right now and pull out the booger that sends a shooting pain straight into my eyeball every time I breathe or move my face. The wind is making my throat all scratchy, too. And every now and then I am taken over by a hacking cough the likes of which have not been seen since the death of my "two packs a day and a fifth of whiskey can't hurt you" grandfather.

*Santa Ana winds: Relatively warm, dry winds that blow into Southern California coastal areas from an anticyclone** located over the high deserts of California or Nevada. The warmth and dryness are due to compressional heating.

**What the fuck is an anticyclone?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

No more... for the love of something

No more! No more of these Next uber special person shows. Seriously... The next member of the WWF (or WWE or whatever) is being decided as I type this. Yesterday we got the next top model. Surprisingly enough (or maybe not so much) and actually as I type this I see a commercial for the show so I am completely wrong... I was going to say surprisingly enough the next boxing star show got cancelled, but apparently not. I think the Oscar De La Hoya one got cancelled. But NBC didn't learn their lesson. Missy Elliot is putting together the next hip hop artist. NBC will have SI's next sports illustrated swimsuit model. There is, of course, the granddaddy of them all American Idol. When will this end? I can't take it anymore. Give me back crap sitcoms. Please. I'll even watch the insufferable Tim Allen or Al Bundy with 10 kids in a new sitcom by Brenda Hampton featuring Jesus teaching me a very special lesson about the evils of smoking or wearing pants if I could just not have to see "The Next Top/Famous/Uber Important Whatever..."

The Twilight Zone

Um, this is a little weird. I read Defamer pretty much everyday. A recent post contained a cryptic line about a blog by two reality show contestants. That's a whole bunch of my favorite things right there so I clicked on the link. One half of the blog belongs to Victoria Fuller, a contestant on The Amazing Race. I knew Victoria Fuller as Vickie Silva. She was my oldest cousin's girlfriend and my babysitter when I was nine.

When I was in college, my aunt sent me a letter telling me that my former babysitter was now a Playboy centerfold. I was the envy of all my male friends, particularly when I bought the issue of Playboy and showed them the pics of my babysitter. That pic is not from her spread in the magazine. Strangely enough, I came across those Playboy pics on the web a couple weeks ago when I was looking at free porn. I think I found them through this site. (Don't click at work! Don't click if you don't want to see a coochie!)

Her official bio on the Playboy web site makes no mention of her punk rock phase. When I knew Vickie, she had a shaved head with a bleached fringe of bangs. She wore safety pins through her ears and tights under her cutoffs. Anyway, I thought this was going to be a more interesting story, but this is actually the end of it.

Previously on...

I hate when a show is halfway through its season and every single episode starts with "Previously on..." and proceeds to recap the entire season so far. Yeah, I know what happened. I have been watching faithfully. And if someone hasn't, they can always find out what happened on TWoP.

This is it, baby! #1000

Yay, we made it! Two years, 1000 posts, countless irritations. Let the drinking begin... on Sunday at 7 pm. Seriously, you are invited. All of you.

Like on Romper Room. "I see Joanne and I see Nikki. I see David and I see Adam. I see Bryan and Cindy and Heather and you. I see you, too!"

Fancy Schmancy Law School

Thank you fancy schmancy law school professor who makes 4 times what I make in 1 year for calling me long past... LONG PAST the open enrollment deadline wanting to make changes. Thank you fancy schmancy law school professor for making me do these changes because you are a fancy schmancy law school professor and, like it would be if a CEO asked me in the corporate world, we (the staff) bows at your very knees. I will say, non sarcastically, thank you fancy schmancy law school professor for not having a clue and at least being nice and admitting that you don't have one. That makes me hate you a TINY bit less.


I am Syphilis. Don't Screw With Me, Or I'll Give You Dementia.
Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.

I knew there was a reason sex is bad. :)

Rats. I was hoping for the plague.

Cheaters, Part 2

I just read the Joan of Arcadia recap on TWOP and it reminded me that 2, not one but 2 of my favorite familyish* shows are flirting with their patriarchs being cheaters. And I get it, it creates drama, but I don't like it. It does not make me happy. I may be forced to stop watching if this continues and Everwood is already on shaky ground because of the whole secret baby thing...

*Familyish is relative. It isn't like I'm talking the OC or One Tree Hill, those shows I almost expect everybody to be cheating with everybody else, and really cheating on boyfriends/girlfriends is quite a bit different than cheating on spouses even though at the time you feel like it is the worst thing ever.


My boss, whose job I will have next month if any of my good Karma is worth anything, only works 2 days per week. TWO. Yet on one of those 2 days she has a dentist appointment and will be in late? Not that I'm complaining too hardily, mind you, but it is kind of ridiculous.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Post #992

Only eight more to go!

I knew this

Remind me never to wear tall boots to the mall for christmas shopping again. Two hours of walking after working all day is too much for the boots! Boots are for standing around looking sexy. I'll try to stay focused next time. My feet hurt.

I should feel horrified

At my behavior, but I don't. :) If it were somebody doing this to me, I'd be so royally pissed off the paperwork would go to the bottom of the pile. I'm working with an employee on getting his LTD (Long Term Disability) Claim pushed through quicker than it should be. Not so much quicker than it should be, more like I'm trying to circumvent the need for some doctor information. Apparently one of his groups of doctors is notoriously difficult to get info from. The claims people want the info from them and are not processing the claim until they get it. I can respect that, they need medical documentation. But his own primary doctor has said... this is the way it is. Why do they need more? AND I just got to spend 20 min listening to the guy complaining about this very issue. I just went to my regular contact at the company and said, can you help me make this go a bit faster for him?

Non-peevishness and non-botheration

Hey, Michelle did it recently, I can too!
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm over my Greenday devestation. I have chosen to believe that it was the venue and the sound system, and not the actual band that sounded so bad. If I believe that, I'll be ok. I listened to them again and realized I can't live without them. Here's to rainbows and unicorns!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Impulse Shopping List

On my shopping list I had three things:
1- toothpaste
2- soda
3- eggs

What I came home with:
1- toothpaste
2- soda
3- eggs
4- milk
5- three kinds of cereal
6- english muffins
7- marshmallows, large and miniature
8- shrimp cocktail
9- Los Angeles magazine
10- chocolate milk

To be fair, I always buy chocolate milk. It is like my reward for having to go to the grocery store. The rest? I don't know what the hell happened.

Just leave me alone

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "I like to sleep with married guys"? Why is it that every interesting, cute, funny, nice guy who is flirty with me is married or has a girlfriend? Why are you flirting with me? Go away!

Again with my payroll person

She sends us out an email and says on this day at this time I'll extract the payroll data from the database to run payroll. Any changes made after this date and time will need to be emailed to me. I plan on this. This is supposed to happen at noon today. I call just to double check that the changes I've made today are going to get in and don't require a special email. Nope. She extracted this morning. Early. All my changes now require a special email. GAH! Why do I even bother?

teeth picker

I just went to the dentist to get my newest set of aligners. Sometimes, he has to make some space between a couple of my teeth so that they have somewhere to move. The space he created on the upper right portion of my teeth today is just big enough for sesame seeds from my bagel to get painfully wedged in there.


Do hard-core born-again Christians thinks that the Jews are missing the point? I have one aunt who emails me nothing but Jesus spam and I was about to make a comment about it to my Jewish officemate and realized that for her it might as well be Viagra spam or an email from that Nigerian guy who has money for her (and me, and you). I know that the born-again believe that unless you accept Christ as the son of God and the savior of man that you are pretty much doomed to eternal hell fire, but do they really not even have a tiny little doubt that their way is the one "true" way?

Monday, December 13, 2004

Famous people who annoy me

So here's my top 10ish list of famous people who annoy the crap out of me right at this moment... These are in no real order because I don't know who would be the number one annoyer of me.

Dr. Phil - Like any annoying person list would be without him. His homespun "wisdom" makes me want to punch him.

Mel Gibson - Completely irrational. I don't know why I can't stand him. Maybe because his movie caused all the religious freaks to become even freakier.

Paris Hilton - YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE FAMOUS! GET OFF MY TV SCREEN YOU SKANK! (although I did love it when South Park spoofed her. That was damn funny)

Sarah Jessica Parker - Her show is over. I shouldn't have to see her ugly face on my TV anymore. By the end of her show she (the character of Carrie) was so annoying too. How was she a role model for women?

The Simpson sisters (but more especially Asslee) - Asslee I wanted to like your music, I did... but I can't now. Jessica, you're dumb and it is only a short time until Nick Lachey gets too bitter about his stalled career and your rising star and becomes a pathetic alcoholic.

Lenny Kravitz - I already didn't like his music, but now he is in several ads for... dun dun dun... the Gap? Talk about sell-out.

Britney Spears Federlane - Do I really need to explain this one?

Donald Trump - The Don, I loved your show. It was a great show, but this year it lost it's luster. Perhaps it is your weird choices about who you are firing. Perhaps it is bcause you think you're king of the world. But I'm kinda over you.

Ty Pennington - I loved you because you are pretty, but... your wacky antics both on Trading Spaces and all those damn Sears commercials make me not love you any more. You are like that little brother that won't go away or grow up.

Coral & The Miz from Real World/Road Rules challenges - Not really famous but I guiltily watch Real World/Road Rules challenges obsessively. Coral is evil bitch and the Miz is just a jackass.

A couple bonus ones -

Usher - I do not like your music. At all. And your oh I'm so sorry I cheated on you baby but I won't do it again please love me again, please. He would so cheat 10 minutes later.

Ashton Kutcher - You're not funny and you're not hot. And worse you think you're both.


I am not exaggerating. I counted. I yawned 27 times on my way home from work tonight.


Ok, the posts should be a little easier to read now. I toned down the stripeyness in this section. Just for you, Kate the Peon. I think you owe me now.


Another thing I do not love. When I'm eating chips with taco sauce and I run out of sauce before I run out of chips. The last 5 or so chips are dry... DRY I say! I could just put them aside and eat them later, but seriously, who does that?


I have my own office. It isn't ginormous or anything. I hate it when a smoker comes in just after a smoke break to ask me questions. They inflict upon me excessive smokey smokerson smell and I do not love it.


I'm signed up for a couple of those "receive periodic announcements from us" types of things for a couple of companies (Disney, Barnes & Noble, my magazines) I like to hear from. Ordinarily I get these once a month. The down side to the holidays, I get them like once every 2 days. Same companies. Damn. That's too much.


Dear Random Person,

Sorry if I declined your IM in AIM a couple days ago. I have it set to allow me to accept or reject messages from anyone not in my buddy list and I was typing when the window came up and then it disappeared.


P.S. Don't stalk me.

Dear Payroll person

Emailing me 3 times in less than 2 hours to remind me to finish something and remind me when payroll deadline does not encourage me to finish. I'm working on it dammit! Have patience. PLUS since I emailed you the changes to 2 of the people we're having the current issues with last month... those 2 are your fault not mine. If I were a mean sort I would tell my boss and throw you under the bus, (another terrible corporate phrase) but I'm not, plus I'm sure you've got plenty on me. :)

Crate and Barrel, you have betrayed me.

Crate and Barrel, we used to be so good together. I loved you in a way that wasn't entirely appropriate, but you were always there for me. For instance, when I decided that I couldn't stand my dining set for a moment longer, you had the perfect set of chairs to spruce up the table until I could find my ultimate one true love of a dining set that would perfectly match my teak china cabinet. Remember that? You should, you shipped those chairs right to my door only a month ago.

Now I find that you have been holding out on me, Crate and Barrel. You have been hiding things from me, things that do not appear in the catalog or on the web site, things that can only be found in the mega Crate and Barrel that has a second floor devoted entirely to furniture. Did you think that I would never look there? Did you think that I would leave you if you showed me the perfect teak dining set that would look fantastic with my china cabinet? Did you you think that I would no longer have any use for you?

Instead, you made me purchase those red chairs thinking I had no alternative. Now I have to borrow someone's truck, return those chairs to the store and buy the perfect teak dining set. You made extra work for me, Crate and Barrel. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same again.

Sorry Michelle

I deleted a post from a couple weeks ago, so this is to make up for it.
I just ate the world's messiest donut. I have chocolate under my nails and everything. I used three napkins. Was it the donut or am I just a slob? Could go either way, I guess.

MP3 Player... Hmmm

I have 59 songs on my playlist. Of those songs only 2 are by the band TLC (Unpretty and Damaged in case you care). I have the playlist set to randomize. I listen to about 20 minutes at a time (except at the gym) on my travels about town. How is it then I get a TLC song every single time I'm listening? This morning I got both in a row. What are the odds of this?

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Quiz time

When I ask why there is sugar all over the counter I don't really want to hear the story of how the sugar came to be on the counter. What I really mean is why is there still sugar all over the counter. The only correct answer here is not verbal. It includes a sponge, and I'm not talking about my new-found love for Mr Squarepants.
(I am posting here way too much. Am I quite irritable lately? Is it a full moon?)

Ha, suckah!

I know the husband is totally sitting there playing his online game thinking that if he loiters long enough that Sears will be closed and he won't have to return the mini fridge that he keeps promising to return and then not returning, but he doesn't know about holiday shopping hours. Sears is open until 11 tonight.

MILF in training

I had to buy a Britney Spears calendar as a gift. Tell me that didn't hurt. I was so ashamed. I'm still very ashamed. I hope nobody saw me.

Cindy's a rap star

Actually, I'm talking about wrapping not rapping. Remember when Grace moved out and Will turned her room into a gift wrap room? I want that room. I need that room. I deserve that room. Wrapping presents makes me irritable. I feel that if I were more comfortable while wrapping, it would be a better experience for me, thus preserving the harmony in the house.
Word to your mother.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

go away and leave me alone

I wish people would just mind their own business and leave me alone. I suppose I can't really complain since I'm putting my life out on the web, but sometimes people should think before they talk, don't you think? Or at the very least, talk to the right person about it. Talk to the person involved, and leave out the extras. You'd think I would be used to that by now, growing up with my mom, to whom the word discreet means nothing. Apparently I haven't learned. I still expect more from people. It gets me down, that I can't really trust people anymore. It's the sort of thing that makes you want to become a hermit. I can understand the people who don't socialize, who have their tight circle and never expand, who keep all details of their lives to themselves. I would like to be that person. It's physically impossible for me. I have always been a talker, an outgoing person who makes friends easily and trusts even easier. As I get older I find myself becoming less trusting and more cynical. I don't want to be cynical. But I think that society demands it. I'm the type of person who tells all about themself, but will hold the secrets of others sacred. I feel that's the way all people should be. Talk about yourself all you want to, but when it comes to other people, keep your mouth shut and let them decide what they want to tell or not tell. You shouldn't be able to make that decision simply because you have information about them. People suck sometimes.

I may vomit

I'm watching American Wedding and am so completely horrified by a scene I just witnessed. Stifler ate poo. I know it wasn't real poo, since this is a movie, but... Stifler ate poo. I almost threw up.

Gah Christmas Shopping

So you are impossible to shop for. Your usual response when one asks you what to buy is "You should know me well enough by now to know what I like." When your child finally bugs you enough to get a list, you suggest 2 things (now keep in mind your birthday is 2 days after Christmas). In the weeks before Christmas, do you:
a - Not shop for yourself at all because you know you are difficult.
b - Buy one of the two things you suggested to your child thereby annoying the crap out of her.

Reading material

I have no book to read right now. I received so many great suggestions from fellow bloggers, but totally lagged on buying them. Now I'm trying to hold out until Xmas because I know I'll get at least a few books. However, the TV Guide and Parenting magazine can only tide me over for so long. I may have to break down and just buy a damn book. Xmas budget be damned!


I took a big huge gulp of coffee this morning, and some of it went down the wrong pipe. I started totally choking and had to spit the coffee into the sink, where it splattered all over the counter and the blinds. (teach me to do my dishes next time) I coughed so hard I came really close to throwing up, but didn't. (thank god) I would have thought by this age I'd know how to swallow. (Huh huh, I said swallow)

Friday, December 10, 2004

High Drama - Too much

So there's all sorts of high drama going on in Tacoma right now after a preschool teacher while playing with some of the kids let the kids eat some dog food, the kibble variety. Now, I have no children, so Cindy Lou you may want to weigh in here, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what the really huge deal is. The kids were apparently playing on the floor, pretending to be puppies and the teacher put down some dog food, apparently from a display of what not to eat. School officials don't think the kids actually ate any but spit them out when they tasted the bits. Parents are up in arms wanting the school district to fire the girl (teaching assistant), wanting an apology, and apprently it has been a fairly slow news week because this has been on the news about 3 times this week. So I guess my thought is, get over it. Kids try to eat weird things and they survive. My nephew ate kibble when he was little, he survived. I think I might have tried to force my little sister to eat some along the way as well. Here's a quote from the newspaper:

"No harm was intended," Holmgren (principal) said. "[The teaching assistant] thought she was being creative. ... It just didn't turn out very well."

Dattilo (cranky mom) said she has been disappointed with the district's response. She hopes for an apology from the teaching assistant and the principal, and wants the assistant to be reassigned so that she no longer has contact with children.

"They kept saying to me that it was mistake. But to me, it was one mistake too many," Dattilo said. "You can't afford to make those types of mistakes."

All I want to say is that it was dog food! Not rat poison! Not having sex with a minor! Not drinking and driving! Get over it!


On Tuesday I bop into my gym and plunk down the requisite $40 for a 1 year locker rental. Little college girl behind the counter has me fill out a form and tells me to check back for the assignment and combo. Checked back Thursday. Checked back this morning. Seriously how long does it take to assign a locker and a combination? And furthermore, why did I have to give them my email if I have to ask every farking day. What kind of system is this? Of course, given that I don't pay anything for the gym, I shouldn't complain too much, but my shoulders are killing me from carting all the crap I carry to & from the gym every day.

Post #958

Only 42 more posts to go. Piece of cake with 9 days left. Oh, and blogiversary drinks will be here. Why? "Super-Shots Sundays" with cheap fancy shots is why. Kamikaze!

Kids & My stairs

I have a set of stairs outside my office. In fact the way the stairs are situated, the handrail is the wall below my office up to my office and, I have a window looking over this (old bottling company). Kids love my stairs. LOVE THEM! And for the most part I don't mind, I like kids. I get a little kick when they see the open door at the top of the stairs and poke their heads in and get startled to see a person in the office. What I don't like are kids who are running up and down and up and down and up and down and making a general nuisance of themselves. Want to explore the stairs once, fine. Want to run up and down them while mommy dearest or daddy darling is in hell line for financial aid office or bookstore return line, not so fine. I might trip you, just for the fun.

Details, details

If you want your deposit to be split between savings and checking, please tell me before I process the transaction. If you say it's a deposit for checking, I will think you're serious. I will put it in checking. I am not a mind reader, so you do have to tell me what you really want. It makes things easier. Less time you have to sit there, less time I have to spend looking at you and making small talk, and less paper wasted on receipts. Go in with a plan of action. Follow that plan.

Anti-perspirant for the hands

Why do people who have a sunroof drive with their hand sticking out of it? It doesn't make them look cool, it makes them look like they have sweaty hands and they're trying to dry them off.

Organizing Nerd

I am such a nerd sometimes. I was just salivating over the office supply catalog at work. I ordered a new calendar/padfolio for next year. I can never find the perfect calendar for personal use, though. I like a monthly view with squares big enough to write on, but I like the calendar to be able to fit in my purse. I also like an extra pocket for receipts and pad to write lists on. I tried using a Palm but it didn't take. I have a calendar that meets all of the above criteria, it is one of those checkbook-style ones, but I got it on clearance and it has bible verses all over it. It even has a section for writing down prayer requests. Anyway, I am still on the lookout.

Annoying Cell Phone Users

Check out these handy, printable signs for annoying cell phone users. You know who I'm talking about.

Slacker Ways

I so did not get ten pages written last night. Eh, whatever, so I get a less than stellar grade in a class. There's a first time for everything. I am also not going to write any more on my script than I already have before I submit to AFI. I am getting a bit burnt out on this whole grad school application process. It is just all the damn writing samples. Damn writer's programs. I will submit the AFI application tomorrow. After that I have NYU in January. They require a full script so that means I have a month to finish the damn thing.

Jeers to the picture

There's a picture in the TV Guide this week attached to an interview with those four guys who apparently played hobbits or some such thing in the Lord of the Rings. They're all jumping around, acting like they're fighting Matrix-style, and the bottom of Sean Austin's bare foot is pointed right at the camera. Sickness, digust, peevishness and botheration. Like I want to see his dirty man feet. Nothing better came to mind, huh? You couldn't think of anything that might possibly make a better picture? Nothing?

Some ketchup and your first born, please

To the employees at McDonalds:
I asked for ketchup, not your freaking kidney. Relax, OK? Hand over the ketchup and everything will be all right. It's just ketchup. Really. Worse things have happened.

CD :(

There is a ginormous canyon indented into my Pearl Jam Ten CD. I didn't know that until I tried to play it last night. Needless to say, it did not work. :( Now I have to buy a new one.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


I planned my shopping so I would only have to hit Kohl's once. I didn't want to have to go back. I got everything I needed. So why do they insist on giving me a coupon that I have to use before December 24th? Can't they extend that, so I can use it later? I swear, I am returning that purse I got my sister and buying it again using that coupon. I can't throw away $10, I'm too cheap. Oh god, I'm my dad. And I thought becoming my mom was bad.

Freezer burn

With a capital burn. My freezer is apparently the freezer burn capital of the planet. How the heck does it happen? How does my hapless meat know when it is in one of the really fancy double ziplock bags vs just a regular freezer bag? Sigh.

This one's for you, Cindy Lou

Evil Dead

Remember a couple months ago when I went on a killing spree in my screenwriting class at UCLA and I had to switch to the online section? Well, I went to USC to hand deliver my application (due to the fact that it has to be there by tomorrow) and in the writing program office who do I run into but old ElizabethLizzieLizbethLiz. She teaches undergrad at USC. Turns out I didn't kill her good enough. We made nice and chitchatted while I waited for the office clerk to get back to her desk and take my application. See? I can make nice, even with the evil dead.

Corporate Phrases I hate...

You know what I mean... those damn phrases that get thrown around even though they are stupid...

At the end of the day...
Outside the box...
On the same page...

Anyone else got some to contribute?

Gah Job!

I warn y'all now, until someone gets hired for my boss's job, this will be my obsession. But we were at lunch today and I guess Phil asked her if she knew anyone who would be interested/ good for it and she didn't know anyone and she asked me if I knew anyone who would be interested/good... Duh yes me! Apparently that hasn't crossed her mind! It isn't like I don't know all the shit she knows. And I haven't done her job or anything while she was on mat leave. GAH!


Relief! I thought I was sacrificing my grade in my screenwriting class in order to get everything done I needed to for the grad school applications, but I have until the 10th (I know that's tomorrow) to turn in the final pages. I can totally whip out ten pages tonight. Here it is quantity, not quality that counts.

Gross Peeve

Ok I freely admit this is gross and it bugs the crap out of me. When I'm working out at the gym, I'm 'glistening' like a crooked politician at confession. The sweat runs down my head and somehow ends up running down my headphones which are the over the head but in the ear variety so I get this pool of sweat in my ears. Gross.

Kill me now...

I stepped on the scale at the gym this morning after not having been to the gym in a month and have discovered shamefacedly that I've gained back all the weight (keep in mind we're only talking like 10 lbs not 100 or anything too crazy, I don't diet and still eat tons of crap foods which does not assist the weight loss) I lost in 1 year of working out regularly... in 1 little month.
Possible answers:

A - I gained back all the weight I've lost because I've sat on my ass every morning instead of working out. :( (Not my favorite one)
B - Muscle weighs more than fat so this is all muscle built. (Most delusional)
C - The scale at the gym is broken (My favorite one)
D - The new pants still fit so I really couldn't have gained that much weight back. (Except the possibility exists that I have always bought my pants too big because I like them baggy and comfy and not circa 1980 Jordaches... although that actually still supports the argument because new pants are comfy and do not require me lying on my bed doing the wiggle pant dance)
E - The bottle of water and banana I consumed before the gym.
F - Combination of all above factors. (Most likely)

Blogiversary hooch

So when you celebrate the blogiversary, drink one of the following for me...

3/4 tumbler of Malibu Mango rum and a splash of OJ (ok your bartender probably won't be so generous to give you 3/4ths of a cup of it but you know you do what you can).

or 3/4 tumbler of cherry Cabana Boy rum, some Red Bull and splash of grenadine and splash of 7up. My straight about to get married (bastard) bartender calls that a Cherry Blast although since he invented (as far as I know) you won't find it easily in regular bars. Uber-sweet.

or Washington Apple shot (got no idea what's in 'em)

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I hate myself for even saying this

But Greenday sucked tonight on the music awards. I know, I know, all I've been talking about for weeks is how much I love Greenday's new album. I shouldn't have even turned it on. It may be ruined for me forever! I'm going to take a break for a while, maybe try listening again when I've cooled down a bit. I absolutely hate it when a band sucks live. I mean, if they have to edit you that much in studio, should you really be singing? Should you really be an artist, if all the talent lies with your producer? Crap, I'm pissed. Stupid Greenday, destroying my hopes and dreams. Billie Joe you are dead to me.

Peevishness and Botheration

I was unaware of the anniversary date. For some reason I thought it was January 1st. We need 70 posts (well, technically 69 after this one, haha I said 69) in 11 days? I was misled! I thought this goal was attainable! Son of a....
Ok, I'm going to try my best to be irritated and annoyed for the next few days. Keep your fingers crossed. Hey, maybe I'll just spend more time with my husband! That'll do it! Grrr.

Your license is revoked

How freaking hard is it to park between the white lines??? Especially in a crowded as hell parking lot, on a hill, in the rain? Stupid bitches, if you don't know how to park, go to valet parking. They know how to do it. Then I don't have to key your car. Everyone wins.

Damn eye thing...

Sometimes I get this random eye irritation. It actually causes me physical pain, which eyes aren't supposed to feel or some such nonsense. I don't know what causes it, but it makes me look like I have pink eye. Why do I bring this up? You know... c'mon... I was just sitting here at my desk and I thought hmm... my eye is bugging me. Yup. There it is, random eye irritation. And I've actually been to the doctor once before for it. He didn't know what it was. Sigh.

Name change

Note to self... when someone changes their name and you reply (semi-logically) "Oh, you got married, congratulations," don't do that anymore. Because Murphy's Law (which I run into far more than I should) means this might bite you in the ass. Case in point, very nice woman comes in and asks how to change her name on the retirement plan. I make above comment. "Oh no," she replies, "Divorce. He didn't want me anymore. I'm very sad." (also think that quote in the most high pitched child like voice ever.) EEK! How does one respond to that.

so gross

Ok, this might be my biggest pet peeve ever. I can't stand the sound of other people chewing! It grosses me out. Presently, it is my officemate eating peanuts, but it really extends to anyone, usually the husband since I mostly eat with him. When my officemate made some comment about she hopes it doesn't bother me (yeah, right) if she eats like every hour, I kind of thought she was kidding. She literally eats something every hour.

Post #929

Only 71 more posts to go to reach 1000 posts by 12/19. The P&B two-year blogiversary will be celebrated with booze and hooch at a tbd location in the valley.

Peeves, Short and Sweet

  1. It's hot in here. Can the temperature never be just right?
  2. My new sweater is itchy.
  3. 6'4" men who date or marry 5'0" women.
  4. "Mexican Combo" lunch was tasty but seems to be lingering in my gullet.
  5. It is only 2:15 on this, the longest day ever.

Gah! Early Christmas wish granted?

Maybe... My boss has finally quit. Ding dong I'm so chuffed I could scream and cheer. However, if I want her job I'm going to have to go through the process and apply for it. Yikes. This scares me. Michelle thinks I'm being silly and I'll get it, but there's that little part of me that is freaking out and how crushed/angry/whatever I'll be if I don't. Which brings us to the bigger question... if I apply for it and don't get it for whatever reason, could I seriously still stay working here?

Totally 80's

Nice 1984 curl to my bangs, thanks to the rain. Too bad it's not actually 1984, I'd be fucking hot right now. Big hair, curly bangs. I think I may peg my pants today. Hey everybody, let's wang chung tonight.

It's Raining... It's Pouring

For those of you that don't know, I walk to work. It is 1/2 mile each way and 99% of the time I love that I can walk to work. Today was the 1% of the time when I don't love it. It was pouring. Now I can handle the rain, I do live in Seattle after all. But I was so thoroughly drenched today by the time I got to work it was ridiculous. I hadn't realized it was raining as hard as it was before I left the apartment (running late as always on non-gym days) so I didn't even have time to go back and change into jeans and put my work pants in my backpack so they wouldn't get wet. The bottoms of my pants are still wet and I walked to work about 2 & 1/2 hours ago.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Son of a Crap

For my USC application I also had to write two pages about my most intensely emotional moment. I guess it's good because every time I read through it to edit, it makes me all teary-eyed and crap. I will be so glad when I finally drop off this application.

Bearer of bad news

Apparently that's my job title today as I have had to give 2 not so pleasant pieces of news to folks.

1 - I had to tell a guy who has been unable to work for the last 6 months due to an accident (not on the job) that we are ending his employment effective December. This was not a complete shock as he knew it would happen eventually but still. Not too fun.
2 - Less traumatizing, but I had to explain to a faculty that although she had been here for 4 years, only the year in which she received benefits (50% time or higher) counts so she only gets a portioin of tuition remission vs 100% for her kid... and this would be for the next 2 years. After that she gets 100%.


Student Financial Aid

Duh! They have access to the same information I have, yet when they need a SSN for a student on tuition remission, they email me and ask me to give it to them. I just look it up in the same system they use and search by last name. Why is this difficult for them?

One Minute Psychoanalysis

For my USC application I have to write an Autobiographical Character Sketch that "evokes an understanding of how you became who you are" in 1-2 pages. How did I get this way? I always figured it would take years of intensive therapy to figure out and that I was really better off not knowing.


One of the things I liked about Beverly Hills 90210 (and there were so many things to like) was that they never showed reruns. If the show was on, it was new. If the show wasn't on, there was a TV movie or special or something. Oh, and when they did the summer season thing? I was in TV love.

Michelle's Favorite Food

I would have a hard time coming up with an answer to "what is your favorite food," but I am pretty sure that chicken noodle soup would make the top five. I'll take a stab at it.
  1. chicken noodle soup
  2. grilled cheese
  3. cheesecake
  4. diet Pepsi (so today's lunch of chicken noodle soup and diet Pepsi is an all-time fave)
  5. fresh, ripe strawberries

I sure do have some sophisticated tastes. Anyone else?

The call of the taco

I love tacos too much. They are my 2nd favorite food, after Pepsi. Last night as I was walking home, I was suddenly beseiged with the idea that I needed tacos for dinner. I ended up at this one taco place that I don't like as much, but how sad is this? I am addicted to tacos!


The boy dog has to go to the vet. This is the first time he has been sick. He has this alarming wheezing thing going on. It sounds like dry heaves. Poor pooch.


My bout with food poisoning is over, but I am left with that weak, not-quite-right feeling. It took me ages to get ready for work this morning because I kept having to sit down and rest. I was determined to make it in because tonight is the department holiday happy hour that I arranged and there is no way I am going to miss that. I am not sure I will be able to partake of the booze and the ribs, though I will certainly give it my best shot.

Launch Again

Yay! Launch is back! I tried listening to Jamie & Danny, but it was really hard since I had to turn the volume way up to hear their voices, but their commercials & music would be loud and since the volume was way up the little noise to tell me I had new email was loud. It was all just too loud for me. Plus I was listening to what they were saying instead of working. :)


Launch is having issues. Whenever I open the music player window I get a "runtime error. debug?" What does that even mean? Of course they never helped me before with the random shutdown that was happening so why do I hold out hope. As a result, though, I'm listening to Jamie & Danny on star 98.7 down in LA.


Gah! Why am I not allowed to have opinions? Why must I argue my point to everyone... and strangely enough I'm not talking only about Moral Turpitude... who is the king of arguing over stupid things with me (and whom I haven't spoken but 3 words with in over a week because his most recent insistance on causing an argument with me threw me into a rage). But recently, I expressed an opinion to student employee and he wanted all this justification. I don't like R & B. It sounds like noise to me. Apparently this is not enough. My mother... do I want, no. That should be it right? Nope I have to justify why I don't want whatever crap she is sending... AND just because I like one type of thing or one certain thing does not mean for the rest of my life I want these things... especially because to her quantity counts and not quality so I get a ton of crap. In this case, I like the blown glass ornaments. I have quite a few. She just keeps buying more at yard sales... 1/2 the time they are ugly or tacky or whatever but she keeps sending them. No means No!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Bus Riding

I hate it when the bus is late. It is never a good sign when the busses are supposed to be 15 minutes apart and you see 3 of them (specifically the #2 I was waiting on) go the other direction at less than 2 minute intervals.

Longest day ever!

This is the longest day ever for me! What with Michelle not being online today due to sickness... I finished all my work on Friday when boss was here so all morning I had no work to do... Luckily a birthday 'meeting' just sucked up an hour or I would die!


I got me a case of food poisoning. I don't even know what it came from. I can usually tell what caused it because, hey look, there it is again. This stuff is unrecognizable. It just looks like bad karma to me.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

I need to pay better attention

I put 10 great songs into the jukebox, not realizing it was about 5 minutes until last call. I hate that! I wonder who's enjoying my songs today?

Seattle Drivers

Need to remember that when a pedestrian is crossing the road and they are stopped at the stop sign, pedestrians have the right of way. Really, pedestrians usually have the right of way here, but especially when I do not have a stop sign and the car does. So I really appreciated walking out into the middle of the road and then having to stop when damn car entered the intersection and was driving toward me. Asshats.


When is this word going to fade into obscurity? I'm sick of it already. I hope beyond hope that it falls out of favor like tubular, rad, and bitchin rather than get added to the dictionary like blog.


We have no drinkable water in the house. I am NOT taking my chances with L.A. city water.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Shedding My Skin

This is what I would look like if I was a cartoon. And I had giant man hands.

Restaurant service

I went up to Edmonds today for brunch at the gluten free restaurant, Kaili's Kitchen. I'm still on the fence about them. Their service just seems to take a long time and I spent forever waiting to pay my bill. I know they are just a real family restaurant, the girl checking me out was the daughter of the owner who was also there. Last time I was there there were 2 little girls who took my drink order etc. I'm okay with small business, but they could just be a teeny tiny bit faster and that would make me happier.


I am very bad about punctuality. I admit it. In my imagination it doesn't take as long to get somewhere as it really does. I was 1/2 hr late to Baxter's vet appointment today because it took me longer to come back to Seattle from Edmonds and I ended up having to extend my flexcar reservation. I would feel really bad except Bax's vet appointment is just for her shot and takes the vet techs like 2 minutes total to give her shot and send me on my merry way. I have to make an appointment for this??

Blogger :(

Sometimes blogger has issues. Last night I posted something to my blog, and for some reason it got stuck into one of those loops where it just claims it is publishing and publishing, so I stopped it. When I went back to my blog, there was only 1 post. The one I had just done. All the other 600+ posts were gone. When I went to the dashboard page, all the posts were gone. I freaked out a little bit, but figured it was a blogger issue. So I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, still only 1 post, but I republished whole blog and luckily everything came back, except last night's post. So I had to recreate it, and past dated it. I was going to post this last night too, but I was too terrified it would do the same thing to Peeves and Michelle would kill me. :)

Friday, December 03, 2004

Kissing on TV

When there are 2 characters kissing on TV, do they put the microphone in their mouths or something? Seriously, no one really smacks that loudly in real life. It is kind of icky.

Damn pedestrians

Dear Jackass pedestrians,
When you are walking 4 abreast and taking up the entire sidewalk, it is customary for one of the 4 people to move aside so that the lone pedestrian walking the opposite direction can pass safely. Instead of forcing me to walk on the edge of the sidewalk by a busy street. If I run into you again, instead of moving to the right, I'm walking down the middle and probably going to knock one of you into the street. Just so you know.
Your fellow pedestrian.

Socks Sucks

Joanne's post about her trashy, holey underwear reminded of a peeve about my socks. I didn't have any black socks left that didn't have holes in them or weren't stolen from the husband's sock drawer, so when I was Christmas shopping last week, I bought a whole new stock of socks for our house. Out with the old, in with the new. I wore the new black socks for the first time today. They had fallen down around my ankles before I even made it out to the driveway. Damn socks from Kohl's. Now I have to return them. Gah! Holiday returns!

No Lunch

In attempt to halt my steady march toward becoming the size of a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade float, I have started ordering calorie-controlled meals from a delivery service. I haven't quite got the hang of it yet. My Friday lunch, a delicious-looking bbq chicken wrap with wholesome fruit on the side, is still sitting in my refrigerator at home.

Gimme a little credit, assface

Him: "I didn't get an email from you on Monday."
Me: "That's odd, I sent it to the same address I always do, the one you've replied from before."
Him: "Strange, I wonder if someone else has my AOL password and deleted it."
Me: {Does this idiot really think I'm buying this?}
Him: {She's totally buying this.}
Me: {C'mon, he still uses AOL for chrissakes.}
Him: {I bet she doesn't know anything about the internets.}
Me: {This is why I'm only using him for his body.}

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Neurotic Joanne

For the past couple of days I have had these random sudden whiffs of something fruity/flowery and so I look around wondering where it is coming from. When I do, there's no one there who it could possibly be. It made me neurotically think what weirdness is going on here? Ghosts? Some wacky potential medical issue? It dawned on me, embarrisingly enough that the whiff I was randomly getting, was from my own still damp ponytail. I am sometimes a dork.

How can it be?

That my absolute favorite Christmas Carol, Carol of the Bells, is being used for a Victoria's Secret ad?! How can this be? This is so innately wrong...

Joanne is PWT

I realized this morning while getting ready to hop into the shower that I own no panties without holes (you know besides the obvious necessary holes). Apparently it is time for a field trip somewhere to purchase new ones. And really, I should throw away the old ones. How trashy am I?

Body whine

I didn't fall asleep until 1:00 this morning. Then at 5, I woke up wide awake. With the song "Hey Mama" by the Black Eyed Peas running through my head. Worse, just one certain part of the song... where the guy sings about not wanting to 'squeeze triggers, wanna squeeze tits.' I probably don't want to know what that means to my psyche... but it just kept looping back to that part making it impossible to fall back asleep. So now I'm exhausted and my head hurts and my one shoulder hurts because I have extremely bad posture when I'm sitting at my desk.

Post #882*

That means 8 posts a day for the next 16 days in order to reach 1000 by 12/19, the two-year blogiversary of this here blog.

*Approximate number since the counter on Blogger is broken.

Has anyone seen Lopez?

We have ants in our front bathroom. Not a lot of ants, just that every time I go in there I find like four of them near the sink. So I kill them, of course, then a few hours later there's four more. Don't they notice that their friends never come back? Don't they have noses or sonar or something to alert them to the dead ant particles on the sink? Or is it that they do notice the missing ants, and keep sending out search parties? I imagine the scene at the colony like this:

Head Ant: OK, guys, listen up. We sent Jeff, Hannah, Roger, and Steve out to the Hamilton bathroom hours ago. They haven't returned. I need four volunteers to go look for them.

Scott: I'll go, sir. It would be an honor.

Head Ant: That's very noble of you, Scotty. Who will go with this brave soldier?

Hoyt: I'll go.
Jasmine: Me, too.
Jose: Yo tambien.

Head Ant: All right soldiers. Go make me proud!

**Hours later**

Head Ant: We haven't seen as much as an antennae from those four. Who will go look for Scott, Hoyt, Jasmine, and Jose?

Brad: I will, sir. Scott was like a brother to me.

Head Ant: He was like a son to me, I know how you feel. Very good. Who else?

John: I will go with Brad.
Trey: I'm in.
Susan: I'll go too.

Head Ant: Very good. I'm proud of your courage. Bring your brothers and sisters home!

**Anyway, this must go on for days, because they've been coming and coming, searching for their lost friends and relatives. I wonder when they will say enough is enough and give up? Or do I have to kill the entire damn colony, four ants at a time?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004


I think the boy dog is sleeping with his eyes open. Gives me the willies.

Almost There

So there's this good thing that might happen for me that I don't really want to tell you about because I feel like I might jinx it. One of you knows about it because you hooked me up (muchas gracias), and another one of you knows about it because I IMd you earlier before I could tell myself to keep my damn trap shut. Anyway, wish me luck because if it happens, I will be a "real" writer. Meaning one who gets paid. Oops! Have I said too much?

You look great, really.

There was a woman in front of me on the freeway today and every time traffic slowed a bit she'd turn her rearview mirror towards her and mess with her hair. She turned her mirror 9 times in the 7 miles I was behind her. She never actually did anything to her hair, just kept poking at it, fluffing it up. Like it needed fluffing. It was plenty fluffy. Then every time she'd turn the mirror back, she'd look at me in it and see me laughing at her. I wonder if maybe she thought I was laughing at her hair, giving her more reason to fluff?

How bored do you have to be?

There's an article in the paper today about making homemade dog biscuits. There are 2 recipes as well. These recipes have more ingredients than I used in my own dinner last night. Is it really worth it to bake dog biscuits? I'd think it's worth the couple bucks they cost at Safeway. I don't have a dog, but if I did I sure wouldn't be baking it anything. The 2 recipes are for "special" biscuits and "everyday" biscuits. I suppose you need 2 kinds for those picky dogs. You know, the ones who are concerned about what they put in their mouths. These are dogs, people. They eat poop and lick their own body parts. I don't think they care how much time and effort you put into their Christmas gift. You could give them a squirrel's leg and they'd be just as happy. Or one of those pig ears they sell at the pet store. Pig ears, really? Dogs will eat anything, so keep that in mind before spending the day baking. Just in case I haven't convinced you though, here's the recipe. (with my own comments included) Merry Christmas, Rover.

5 lbs whole wheat flour (wheat is healther)
2 pkgs dry onion soup
2 1/2 tbsp garlic powder
2 1/2 C shortning
1 1/2 lbs grated carrots
1 bunch chopped parsley (for flavor, dogs love parsley)
1 lb cooked beef, chicken liver, or braunschweiger (what is that?)
5 eggs
2 1/2 C beef or chicken broth

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix flour, soup mix and garlic powder with shortning until mealy, using hand mixer (that you'll never use again) and a very large bowl. Add carrots, parsley and meat and mix thoroughly. (I'm sure it smells great at this point) Add eggs and liquid and mix very well with hands. (why hands?) Roll out 1/2 an inch thick on board covered with cornmeal. Cut out with cookie cutters. (you will never use them again) Bake on ungreased cookie sheet (you wouldn't want to clog their little arteries with grease!) about 2 hours or until very hard and dry.

And there you go, you just wasted 2 1/2 hours of your day! Congratulations, I'm sure your dog appreciates it.