I swear to God

I don't care what the fucking speed limit is, if there are two lanes, get your slow ass over to the right lane or STEP ON THE FUCKING GAS because I swear to God, I am going to fucking lose it one day and just ram one of you motherfuckers. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Don't move to L.A.

Search Results

Dear expedia... If I put in a search for hotel rooms where I can fit 3 children and 1 adult per room, why would you give me results that indicate that I have exceeded room capacity. Obviously I don't want that hotel if I've exceeded the capacity. I want what I've asked for. Please fix this in the future to make my life easier.
thank you

son of a bitch

Gah! The blogroll is down! If I lose all my links, I am going to be SO PISSED.

Peeved and Bothered

I've been with people constantly for the past five days. My dad is in town so both sisters are over a lot to see him, one sister is especially bad at not knowing when to leave. I need to be alone or I'm going to snap and kill a family member. Last night when I was on the computer they kept coming in and standing near me. I was so close to smacking someone. How rude is that? Stand behind me when I'm on the computer, what the hell is the matter with you? I volunteered to pick up the pizza because I needed an excuse to leave the house, even if only for 10 minutes. My dad is leaving tomorrow, I can last one more night can't I? Damn, I hope so.

Boo Hoo

I hate it when I am watching TV and something makes me cry. Not just teary-eyed, but full on wet cheeks and sniffling sobs. Even worse? It was Jamie Foxx who made me cry. I was watching his interview on Inside the Actors Studio. He's good people.

Introduction

The New Jan Brady, she has arrived.

I seriously DID TRY to come post a couple of times over the past few days, but Blogger was being a complete BITCH! Now we've kissed and made up, so here I am.

My first peeve is this: retail people who shove you your change (bills and coins) and receipt all in one bunched up ball and then stand there all pissy like because you are still putting it away in your wallet two seconds after they handed it to you in a freaking HEAP. I love when they do the little sigh and eye roll to the person behind you like, "I'm sorry she's SO SLOW". Or when they just reach past you to the next person like you're a huge inconvenience to them. Sometimes I like to stand there even longer just to piss them off.

I'm peeved, I'm bothered!

Startling Discovery

Standing in front of the toilet, pointing at it sternly and thinking, "Do not overflow. Do not overflow," totally works.

Cherry Rum

I tracked down the cherry rum. It is delicious. The drinking while writing thing seems to be working out for me. I just made some inspired edits in my screenplay.

Further Admissions

1. I am channeling Mr. Rogers. When I got home, I threw off my trendy knit poncho and put on my frumpy cardigan. I kicked off my tall shoes and slid my feet into my terry cloth slippers. I did not, however, sing a little song.
   
2. I ate an obscene amount of goat cheese on bread for dinner.
3. I was unable to find Cabana Boy Cherry Rum at the fancy grocery store so I picked up a bottle of Malibu Coconut to replace the one I depleted earlier in the week. I was inordinately happy to find a bottle and a half of Malibu Pineapple in the cupboard when I got home.
4. The boy dog is totally getting on my nerves tonight. I like the girl dog better.

Basic English Words

For all those that don't know this (more specifically those who sent an email to me today)...

ACCEPT: (1)To receive (something offered), especially with gladness or approval (2) To admit to a group, organization, or place (3) To regard as proper, usual, or right.

EXCEPT: (1) If it were not for the fact that; only (2) Otherwise than (3) Unless (4) To leave out; exclude.

They are not the same word and cannot be used interchangeably. Thank you very much. Now you will stop making the error and I will not have to stab you in the throat with my pen.

Best of...

How can a singer or band have a best of when they've only had 2 - 3 cds out tops? The best of what? I can see a prolific band like Pearl Jam, U2, Rolling Stones, REM, Metallica, Kiss, and the like, they actually have a wide variety of songs to choose from for a best of. But Mandy Moore having a best of? Whatevah. What's next? Asslee's best of?

Surveys

I am on a couple different survey panel things so periodically I get surveys. Mostly I like them but here are a few survey tips they should (but don't) follow:

1 - Don't keep resending the survey invite.
2 -Don't send like 10 survey invites in 1 day.
3 - If the survey is too long I find myself no longer caring.
4 - If you ask for my zip, why are you also asking for city & state? You should be able to figure that from the zip, that's the whole point.
5 - Ditto with date of birth & age.

Confessional

I can never remember which ones are the blue states and which ones are the red states.

Must Flee TV

What the hell happened to Thursday night TV? It sucks big time. Joey blows. And after that god-awful Apprentice finale last season, I refuse to watch that overly predictable crapfest anymore. ER lost me four seasons ago. I know Survivor hasn't started up and CSI and Without A Trace are good, but not appointment TV for me. Never saw the O.C., bitch.

I'll be good and take my laptop to Starbucks and do some writing tonight. And while I'm there I will resist every temptation to try that new chocolate drink that I see on every billboard. I just gotta stay strong and keep looking at the lame French saying of the day calendar sitting on my desk with today's edition: "Ca me grossit, ce manteau."

Translation? This coat makes me look fat.

A Picture of Our House

...from space.

Flexcar

Anyone who has read some of my past ramblings on my blog about Flexcar knows I worship at the alter of Flexcar. However, they seem to have the crappiest parking spots in the city. The one I'm picking up tonight to fetch one of my Brownies for our meeting is parked in a parking lot that has the only entrance/exit about 5 feet from a stop light. I have to make a right turn out of the parking lot to the stoplight and there are ALWAYS cars stopped at that light. AND to come back, because it is a delayed stoplight, I have to drive past the parking lot, turn around in another parking lot and come back down to it. There is one in the hospital above me, so not easy to get in and out of that parking lot to go where I need to go. One, behind my house, I have to back up (IN A PARKING LOT) about 20 feet because it is a oneway parking lot but there is no exit at the end of the row, this is the only way to get out of it. I know that parking in Seattle is expensive and shit, but damn, better spots would be nice.

I'm still the same girl you fell in love with

Since Michael joined the blog, it has been too difficult for readers to see at a glance who posted something since Michael and Michelle look alike (in print, not in person). So, I changed my name to Peeved Michelle, which is what I use on Haloscan comments on other blogs.

Brought to you by P&B Blog Operations.

Damn the Fish

On Wednesday I get the salmon special in the food court. It is blackened salmon with roasted red pepper sauce over mashed potatoes, served with steamed broccoli. Sounds good, huh? It is. Today, however, the red pepper sauce is coming back to haunt me. Anyone have some Tums?

Where's Sigourney Weaver?

I have finally figured it out. It is the only explanation for officemate's behavior. He speaks in complete monotone. This is to put you in a trance so you eventually lose consciousness. If he tries to smile, it looks more painful sticking toothpicks in one's eye. And today he came in early (for him-9:30AM) and sat at his desk. It is now 2:30PM and he has not moved. Not once. Since I ate lunch at my desk, I have been here the whole time. He has not budged. Not even to take a bathroom break. This is not normal. It can only lead me to one obvious conclusion: My officemate is an alien.

On the Chopping Block

I know I said it was a Final Notice, but I feel kind of bad (yes, I have feelings) booting people off the blog. The following people have yet to renew their memberships with the Internationl League of Peevishness & Botheration. All they have to do is post to the blog by midnight on January 31st.

• Bubba (That's ok. This blog is no place for my husband anyway.)
• New Jan Brady (Does she have Posting Anxiety? Post Fright? She has never posted once!)
• Nikki (She was once a steady source of peevishness but we haven't seen much of her since last Fall. I think she broke up with me and I just haven't caught on yet.)
• Adam (He is one of the most cantankerous people I have ever met so I know it isn't because he doesn't have anything to post about.)

Please note that I will be holding auditions to fill any vacancies. Details to come in February.

Quitters

What's up with foreign bloggers quitting their blogs? Suddenly they have nothing to say? There's no time for blogging? That's like saying there's no room for ice cream.

Sadly, my blogroll must say good-bye to Ian in Australia and Dan in the UK, both of whom have finished their writing projects and are moving on with their lives. Maybe I can't relate because, unless it is an essay, I never seem to make it to The End or FADE OUT.

Adios, foreign dudes.

Some reasons it's probably best I don't have any kids yet

A list.

1. I just had a salad followed by a bowl of cereal for dinner.
2. I use the coffee table as an ottoman. Not just putting my feet up on it, but sliding the whole thing up under my legs.
3. I just threatened to kill both dogs, probably going into more detail than either one of them could understand.
4. I now keep the bottle of Malibu rum on the side table next to the couch.
5. I have an Alaskan ulu knife on display within reach of tiny grabbing hands.

escroquerie!

So I know some French and my favorite city in the world is Paris. (In fact, you will often find me here.) I bought one of those 365 day desk calendars with French phrases thinking it would help better my French vocabulary. So will someone tell me when in god's name I will ever use today's phrase, "She's waiting for Prince Charming?!!!!" And no, I will never waste my time going to Disneyland Paris.

Oh, and just in case, it's "Elle attend le prince charmant."

Merde!

I'm back!

Peeve-free day is over.

If you are a doctor, lawyer, or anything where you paid $250 grand for your education, it doesn't mean crap when you send in a letter to customer service if the question has nothing to do with your chosen profession. So, don't sign it Dr. Ima Blowhard or Jerk Meoff, Esq. thinking that is going to impress everyone. You ain't gonna be treated any differently than anyone else. Go stroke your ego elsewhere!

New Shoes

My new workout shoes (not to be confused with my new very cute gray & pink shoes) are causing me pain. I didn't even realize it until last night when my foot and ankle were just aching. I kept thinking, I didn't twist it or trip WTF is wrong? When I put on my gym shoes this morning... Oh now I see. There is a spot or lump that just kills the outside of my foot by the ankle but at the sole. I'm hoping a little more breaking in will break that spot down so it doesn't kill me.

Also, I hate the phrase brain fart and cool beans. Those phrases are over. Let's move on to new ones shall we?

Peeve Free Zone

I will be posting no peeves today as I am still celebrating the Eagles making the Super Bowl! I've waited 24 years to see them get another shot at it, so what's one day with nothing to moan about?

My Morning, by Michelle

I roll over and see by the red glow of the alarm clock that it is still an ungodly hour and I have plenty of time for sleeping before I need to get up and get ready for work. I snuggle deep into the covers and close my eyes. I am asleep for maybe a few seconds before I am awakened by the worst noise in the world to be heard by a wife whose husband is not presently in the house: a heaving dog.

Please only let him have something caught in his throat. Please, please, please. Nope, that is definitely the sound of puking. I turn on the light in time to catch the boy dog upchuck a second time in his bed. There's no way he could have just leaned over a bit and puked on the much easier to clean hardwood floor, is there? I yell at the dog as he starts to lick it up. That is more than I can handle at the moment.

I lay there for a minute, thinking about what I need to do now. This happened to the girl dog a couple months ago, so I know how to take apart the bed and that it is washable, but what a pain in the ass. I get up and let the dogs out. The boy dog starts the horking sounds again in the hallway so we run to the door. I go back and drag both beds from the bedroom to the laundry room, trying not to touch the pukey part.

I unzip the cover on the outer bolster and throw it in the washer. I pull the pillow out of the middle and stuff it in, too. Wow, the boy's bed fills the whole machine. The girl's bed fit much better. I put the soap in and go to take a shower before turning on the washer.

The boy dog seems fine, a little cough now and then, but no more puking. Still, to be safe, they aren't getting the run of the house today. Sounds like the washer is done so I go to the laundry room to put the bed in the dryer.

The evil glisten of a puddle of water meets me at the door. Lovely. The washer overflowed. At first I think I am an idiot for stuffing that pillow into the washer. Then I notice all of the clumps of dog hair in the water and think I am an idiot for not vacuuming it off first. Maybe the dog hair clogged up the works. I open the washer and pull out the pillow. Except for the part that was right where the water comes out, it is completely dry! Apparently, this one is totally waterproof and repelled the water right out of the washer and onto the floor.

I am tempted to just leave the giant puddle of water and call the housekeeper to come clean it up, but as much as I want to be, it turns out I am not that kind of person. I mop up the floor with towels, pulls out the dryer and mop up underneath it. I see a power strip on the floor lying in the dampness. That can't be good. I decide to leave it alone. I pull out the washer, but it doesn't go far. I mop up the best I can and leave all the towels on the floor to deal with later.

I arrive at work, looking forward to a yummy breakfast but when I open up my desk drawer, I see that I am out of oatmeal.
Oh, and I am so not taking care of those dog beds when I get home. I am stopping at the pet store and buying new ones. I am THAT kind of person.

The top five

5. Misplaced anger
4. Self absorbtion
3. Game players
2. Drama queens
and the #1 quality that irritates the fuck out of me:
Not having the decency to talk to someone you have a problem with.

Orange-Yellow

I'm orange-yellow--isn't that so 70's? I'll have to ask the guy at work with the 70's do and beard. And if there's one thing I've never been called, it's "ditzy."

You scored as Orange-yellow. You happy-go-lucky kid, you. You brighten everyone's day, even though you may be a little daffy and ditzy at times. Orange-yellow 56% Sea Green 50% Black 44% Scarlet 38% Cerulean 25% Which crayon color are you? created with QuizFarm.com

I am a dirty, dirty liar.

You scored as Black. You are dark and mysterious. You creep around like you have something to hide, don't you, you dirty, dirty, liar? Black 56% Orange-yellow 50% Sea Green 50% Cerulean 38% Scarlet 6% Which crayon color are you? created with QuizFarm.com

where's the maid?

Hey Officemate, maybe today will be the day you finally throw away the paper plate you used for your food earlier in the week. Do you think it will jump into the trash can all by itself? I ain't touching it.

cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

I entered the word "monkey" into the Cliche Finder and this is what came up.

• act like a monkey in the zoo
• Monkey see, monkey do.
• cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
• monkey around
• what are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his bum back?
• A monkey in silk is a monkey no less
• monkey business

I can have both?

Last night, the husband and I caught the last half of Wife Swap. The wealthier family was composed of an older, dual-income couple with one teenage daughter. On staff they had a housekeeper and a household manager. The coupon-clipping, stay-at-home mother of four who was swapped into this house fired both of them and tried to teach the family that they needed to spend more time together, about the importance of family togetherness and how a family of three does not need to spend $1000 per week on groceries and eating out.

What I took away from this program was that I could have BOTH a housekeeper AND a house manager. I can't help the way I feel. I want to pay people to do things for me. I made some silly statement a couple weeks ago about how I was going to fire the housekeeper to save money and that the husband and I were going to clean the house ourselves on the weekends. What a crock! I just knocked her back from every week to every other week and that is saving us $50 per month.

Anyway, my new dream is to have a household manager, but I want one who went through this certificate program.

Certified Professional Household Management
Our 8-week program offers the building blocks of a successful career in Household Management. Students learn the essentials, from the proper techniques for the care of a home of wealth to managing and relating to other staff. In between you’ll learn about the lifestyles of the wealthy, understanding the needs of a family, how to relate to an employer, time management, fine dining service and etiquette, planning elegant and/or extravagant events of entertaining, and much more. Whether you are beginning a new career path or aspiring to move from housekeeping to a position with more responsibility, you will find the tools you need for success in this program.

Certified Administrative Household Manager/Personal Assistant
Our next level of training is often taken immediately following the 8-week course by students who wish to gain the knowledge necessary to move into a more administrative position. This 3-week program demonstrates purchasing for the wealthy, advanced safety and security issues (such as identity theft and high-tech home security), managing household staff, maintaining files and paperwork, creating and maintaining household inventories, managing multiple homes, and much more. Two years’ previous household management experience or the successful completion of our 8-week program is required for enrollment into this program.

Disclaimer: I do not consider myself to be wealthy. I can only dream that one day I will be so rich that the full impact of my shallowness and materialism can be felt by all. Don't worry, I'll give to charities.

Holes in pockets

So this morning I put on my black work pants that have pockets. Yesterday I wore pants without pockets and it bugged me all day long. I went to put my hand in my right pocket to drop two Aleve in for later in the morning after I had eaten. I discovered that apparently the thrusting of my hand into my pocket is too vigorous and I have punched my finger through the pocket and now there is a hole. It can only be this way since the hole is kind of high up on the pocket. So I check the left pocket. Strangely enough there is a hole in almost the same place. Who knew I was this strong??

I really mean it, you guys. I am like so mad right now.

I absolutely can NOT stand it when people say that they are starting a new chapter in their lives. They just come off sounding like asswipes.

Heartbreaker

I took this quiz and it turns out that I am a cruel, heartless bitch.

Talk about a heartbreaker! It's a safe bet that none of your exes is feeling warm and fuzzy about you right now. Your coldhearted ways may make things easy for you in the short run, but it's time to start thinking about the other person's feelings -- and the bad karma you're spreading!

I totally don't buy it, though. If you take the quiz, check out what they say your responses should be. Some of those sound way meaner than my choices.

Sad day for Heather...

So I heard on the radio this morning, my long time boyfriend, Mike Piazza is finally getting married to some bimbo Playmate. Sigh. Somebody please let me know the second you start hearing the divorce rumors, okay?

Yes, I know it tastes like ass. You have to drink it anyway.

Why do they make cough syrup taste so bad? Is it really a necessity? Maybe it doesn't work as well when it tastes good. I bet it has something to do with that face you make when you drink it. Like somehow when you make a face that looks like you just put your hand in a dead animal carcass your cough miraculously subsides. It's hard enough when I need it, but trying to make a three year old drink it is next to impossible. Have you ever tried to make a three year old do something they don't want to do? It would be easier to convince your Jewish grandmother to take communion. Come to think of it, I think the cough syrup tastes suspiciously similar to the body of Christ.

It's your world isn't it, part 2

When I stand in the elevator and hold it for you while you take your sweet time to get in, you would think one of the three of you would have thanked me. And I work with these assholes--not that I know who they are or what they do!

It's your world isn't it, part 1

When the four of you walk down the sidewalk side by side to take up the entire width of the sidewalk, and I am coming the opposite direction, break up in pairs and move the fuck over! Where do you expect me to go? Into the street?!

you're fired

Hey bitch, when I tell you that people who ordered after me already got their food and I ask if they lost my order, don't just tell me that they're backed up so that I have to ask you again nearly ten minutes later. If you had looked the first time for my order, you would have noticed some dolt put it on the phone order shelf instead. Oh, and then don't bother to apologize when you hand me the bag!

The donald of the opera?

Ok, this is a sign of the apocalypse (from TV Guide online):

"The Apprentice is heading to Broadway. Seriously. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Mark Burnett and Donald Trump are developing The Apprentice: The Musical. Burnett, who is currently writing the book for the musical, describes it simply as "a love story" — presumably between a man and his ego."

Personally, I think it should be called Hair 2.

Martin Luther King Day

Thank you, Rev. Dr. MLK, Jr., for the advances in civil rights and for being a martyr for the cause. Thank you for also being responsible for the shortest amount of time it has ever taken me to get to work. Thirty minutes!

Dude

I am totally buzzed off of my Malibu and Diet Coke right now.

Mags

My subscription to O, the Oprah Magazine is almost up and I need to replace it with something else. Not People or US or Star - I buy those whenever something interesting is on the cover. Any suggestions?

Dear Lady in the Parking Lot,

I know you are trying to be the cool mom, what with your teeny tiny cell phone, Juicy sweats, and fancy bag for your yoga mat, but the Madonna song circa 1990 that you are blaring out your open car windows totally ruins any street cred you had cultivated.

Sorry,
Michelle

Ah, Married Life

This is what I am doing right now:
-Watching Saturday Night Live
-IMing with Joanne
-Playing Burning Monkey Mahjong Solitaire
-Twisted ankle propped up on pillow

This is what I am wearing:
-Fuzzy black slipper slocks
-Ice pack strapped to ankle with dish towel
-White granny panties
-Pink Disco Queen tank top
-Black poncho (got cold in just a tank top)

Dead sexy.

Sold Out

There was no Diet Dr. Pepper in the vending machine. I had to settle for Diet 7-UP.

Cellphone guy

Um, hate to break it to you, fucker, but the doorway you are happily standing in and yapping on the cellphone in is MY doorway and you are interrupting my non-work with your loud babble about whatever. Get out of my doorway!

I want to go home!

Earlier this morning we had the possibility of going home early dangled before us. It has not come to fruition. :(

My first peeve...

Bowing to Michelle's mandate, I bring you my first peeve. All who know me know I am a generally easy-going guy (unlike some I know), so these will likely be few and far between...

I'm seriously pissed that, out of the thousands who work here, there are seemingly only a handful of capable people in my company. I mean, seriously, I now have to be Producer, Designer, Creative Director, Co-Product Manager, Coder AND QA guy for this project? I'm doing six jobs and there are literally a dozen people within 20 feet of my desk just standing around? I know, co-PM, that you've gotten me more and more resources as we encounter new obstacles. But when I have to train them to do the job you pulled them in to do, or when I have to spend two hours every day on the phone explaining their jobs to them, that's not helping.

I moved to the Design group so I could be shielded from this incompetence and bullshit (sorry, Nikki, to leave you behind).

Product Management -- FYI, Here is my job:

I will take your stupid idea that will be a sure monetary failure and has no apparent purpose, and I will make it pretty and as user-friendly as possible, given your addle-brained and incoherent original proposal. I will try to offer suggestions to make the thing less stupid, which you will ignore. And then I will pass it off to engineers to implement. If need be, I will consult to engineering and QA as development continues.

I'm sick of running your meetings, I'm sick of presenting your assy ideas to Marketing or Sales because you're either unable to communicate your ideas, or embarrassed (as you should be) of them. I'm sick of having to defend your stupidity to my boss when he says "why is there X button?" and I say, "because X said it has to be there, and would not listen to reason." And I'm sick of having 6 hour meetings with you, trying desperately to suck requirements out of you because you're too lazy and/or incompetent to write them down. No, I will not just "mock it up and then we'll talk about it" -- WITHOUT SOME REQUIREMENTS THERE"S NOTHING TO MOCK-UP! Who is your audience? What is their skill level? What do you want them to do? If you want multiple things from the product, what is most important? How can we track success? These are simple, simple questions you should ask yourself before you come to me, and if you don't know the answers SIT DOWN AT YOUR DESK AND FIGURE THEM OUT!

I know, I know, I used to be a member of your group, and a half a dozen other groups. I know, I am capable of performing many duties at this company. But I am paid to be a designer, that is what I choose to be. Do you not think there's a reason I left those other groups to come here?

Maybe after the reorg it will be better.

(snicker)

Listen, Lady

If you drive a gas-guzzling V8, you are NOT allowed to slap a "Save the Environment" sticker on the back of it.

cha cha cha

Okay officemate, so now you are drowning out the gum chewing noise by blasting some latin dance crap that I can hear, plain as day, through your headphones! You mean to tell me that woman screaming a high pitch scream in between the boom-chickie noise isn't making you deaf? I'm really in a pissed off mood. Don't start with me. I'm warning you.

MOOOOOOO!!!!!

Officemate, please stop chewing your gum like a fucking cow!

P.S.

I'm going to the Apple Store at lunch.

to officemate and guy who I don't know what you do

I may be a bit defensive because I have two Macs, but do I really have to sit here and listen to the two of you blather on about how Apple doesn't do any market research and their technology is substandard and the new iPod Shuffle is just "typical Apple?" Blah, blah, blah. You are two geeks with no lives. I'm sure Steve Jobs is sweating things out and is dying to hire you for your expertise. No wait, he is laughing all the way to the bank!

IRS - 05

Damn you IRS! Update your web stuff about the free efiling. SOME of us got our W-2's already and have simple enough taxes that I can do the 1040EZ. Some of us (unfortunately, me) made so little that I can use one of these free efiling sites. But your site isn't ready yet so I can't yet. I want my refund!

Road Rage

So, last night I left work at 5:40. At 7:40, after sitting in the most god awful traffic mess (and why is it when you listen to traffic reports, they never mention the goddam traffic jam you are sitting in!) I had made it all the way to Brentwood. Now let me explain that Brentwood is about three miles from the office. I had moved 3 fucking miles in two fucking hours, with another 14 miles to go! Suddenly, that Baja Fresh on San Vicente looked like an awfully good place to stop and wait things out. After about an hour, traffic had thinned out a bit, but I still didn't get home until 9:30! To make matters worse, I missed "Lost" and "Alias." Fortunately, I called my friend and he taped them for me. Otherwise, someone would have paid with the health of their car! This morning? Just as bad! I gotta get a job close to home or I'll have a coronary!

Does Not Compute

I really like to look at the referring pages to this blog (bottom of left column). It looks like some of the folks enter through the Next Blog button. I think Knicke was one of them and I am guessing that she turned right back around and got the hell out.

Here is an excerpt from one of the posts on her blog, wherein she rethinks the tone of her posts. (I won't link to it out of concern for her obviously very sensitive feelings.) I totally can't relate.

After talking about this blog with Mom and Dad and re-reading some of it, I got pretty embarrassed about how pissy most of it sounded. Not that I don't ever get pissy, but I'm not a teenager anymore, and I feel like it's no longer couth of me to share all of my angst with the whole world. 1. that's what my journal is for 2. it's not really nice or productive of me to put all of my bitchy little thoughts out there for the whole world to see. Sure, it's a little embarrassing, but mostly I'd feel bad if someone read it and felt bad.

Question

I recently asked this question of TIMMY!: Do you still have hope that one day your life will be exactly what you want it to be?

I do. My life right now isn't what I want it to be. It isn't a bad life, but it isn't exactly what I was hoping for. What I want keeps changing, but I still have faith that someday what I want my life to be like and what my life actually is like will be the same thing. I am actively trying to make that happen and I am shooting for it to be done by summertime.

Do the rest of you still have this hope?

Here is TIMMY!'s answer:
My life will never be exactly how I want it to be because what I want in my head is different than how things really work in reality. Situations and every day life are always changing, so what I want is constantly changing. There are basic principles of life that I want that can't be purchased, and I believe I will have those someday.

Ahoy, matey!

There is an Irish lady here named Sheelagh (like Sheila). Every time I walk by her desk and see her name plate, I want to say her name like a pirate. Sheel-ARRRGH!

Stupid Crap Commercial

There's this commercial for some children's cold medicine where the mom tries to give the kid his medicine with like a kitchen spoon. The kid sneezes and knocks the spoon and ends up with cold medicine all over his shirt. I find this commercial so painfully annoying and dumb that I can't bear it. Who gives kids cold medicine with just a normal spoon? That's why they put those dosage cups in the package with the liquid medicine.

Dear Mr President

Dear Company President/Owner/Head Honcho/Whatever,

How nice of you to come into the office to give my officemate a gift and completely ignore me (as you always do). I'm sure the book is fine reading: "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking." And officemate, as you saunter in around 10:30 each day and leave by 5, you can write the sequel, "Wink: The Power of Working Without Working."

Sincerely,

Me.

I think I'm going to lose my mind

Customer e-mail #1: "Your web site does not make sence to me. I paid, but now I CAN'T get the info... I want my money back please."

My reply: "...your transaction did not go through as there was a denial of your credit card number by our processing company. It may be that you entered some information incorrectly, but as it stands now there has been no charge. If you would like to try again and still have a problem, we can investigate further. Thanks."

Customer e-mail #2: "I paid your fee once, why does it want me to pay again to use the service?"

My reply: "We apologize if you did not receive our original response from your first e-mail. However, your credit card transaction did not go through as there was incorrect information entered in the form. Please try purchasing again. If you continue to have problems, please let us know. Thanks."

Customer e-mail #3: "I PAID FOR...BY CREDIT CARD. ..DO YOU HAVE TO PAY AGAIN ?...What good is it? PLEASE EXPLAIN."

My reply: "Apparently, you are not reading our responses. Again, your credit card was not charged because the information you provided was either incorrect or incomplete. This is why you do not have access...You will need to go through the purchase process again. If there is still confusion, please call me at...Thank you."

Customer e-mail #4: "Do you pay more than one fee? Once does not get you all of your package?"

My reply: "You are a fucking idiot! What part of YOUR CREDIT CARD DID NOT GO THROUGH do you not understand?! It is people like you that make me want to jump off a bridge! How the hell did I get stuck doing this shit for a living having to placate stupid people like you? I'm sorry, "placate" is probably too big a word for you to understand. Just GO AWAY! Does that make "sence?!!!"

Suck It

I hate it when I get a bendy straw and I stretch it and there is a little hole in the bendy part and air leaks out and I don't get good suction on my beverage.

Poor Dawn Anna

I am sure she had a hard life and she triumphed over whatever the circumstances were and now she even has a Lifetime TV movie about her starring Debra Winger. Then I happened to her. Now, when people search on "Dawn Anna," my blog comes up in the listings. My site stats say that three poor souls even clicked on the link. This is the tirade that they found.

Don't believe me?

I don't think I like...

Jack Johnson. For some reason I want to like him, but thus far, not liked anything he's done. I also don't like Lenny Kravitz, am not a rabid U2 fan (but do periodically like some of their older stuff), Madonna, I can take or leave (like her older stuff, new stuff not so much), and I have a complete irrational dislike for Mel Gibson.

whatever

Now it's totally sunny here, like nothing ever happened. No rain. No mudslides. No flooding.

Skeletons

I have a few dirty little secrets and I must confess them to cleanse my soul.

1. I stick my finger in the peanut butter jar.
2. I love Hello Kitty.
3. I worship Nicole Kidman. I wish I could be her.
4. I would totally get plastic surgery.
5. I don't like U2.

Boss's job peeve

Way back when my boss was pregnant, I was constantly asked if she had the baby yet. That was annoying. Even more annoying, now that she has given her notice, I am constantly asked if I'm going to be getting her job. Which I have to answer, I have applied, I hope I get it. Oh you'll get it, is the inevitable response. How many times am I going to have to have this inane conversation?!

rain rain go away

OK, is this rain ever going to stop? This is crazy. I swore I would never be one of those LA wimps who don't go out in the rain. After all, I've dealt with ice storms on the east coast. But my street is flooded and I ain't gonna fight it. Can't get out and won't try. And now, work's e-mail is down. I'm going back to sleep--wake me when the sun comes out.

Cindy Lou made me do it

My New Year's resolution is kind of scary.

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Become one with my inner sociopath. Get your resolution here

S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G

I haven't eaten since 10:30 am and I just spent the last 15 minutes calling every Japanese restaurant in Studio City (the sushi capital of Los Angeles) asking if they have sukiyaki on the menu (the best Japanese dish there ever was; tastes like heaven). I finally found one that does. I yelled it to the husband in the other room. He was equally excited. I said, "Let's go there!" He said, "I can't right now." I asked when. He said, "I don't know. I am in the middle of a really big [insert boring explanation of random activity on stupid online game]." Grr.

Sissy Dog

The boy dog doesn't like the rain so he won't go outside much and when he is out there he won't stay long enough to take care of all of his business so he'll just take a crap inside instead. At least we were in the living room this time so he didn't do it on the rug. He went into the workout room and took a crap near his cage. Fucking dog.

I WANT MY LUNCH!

I'm well aware fucktards that it takes 20 minutes to cook a grilled southwest chicken sandwich. I know this because when I called at noon to place my order that's what I was told. I also know that when I showed up at 12:20 I should've gotten a sandwich. To keep reminding me as I stood and waited did not really please me. Because I PRE-ORDERED! I was especially not pleased to finally get my sandwich at 12:40. But thank you manager for apologizing about the mix up and not realizing I had placed a phone order which somehow did not get put in to the kitchen so you didn't realize I was pissed because I had already waited my 20 minutes. I do understand mistakes get made and really I'm not murderously pissed. Just mildly peeved.

what happened to school busses

Every day I drive past that Beverly Hills school where all the parents drop off their kids. Here is the selection of vehicles: Cadillac Escalade, BMW X5, Land Rover, Lincoln Navigator, Porsche Cayenne. And of course, the occasional Grand Cherokee carrying the poor kids. Those damn things block the street and every day I say I have to find a way around it. Today, dealing with the pouring rain, I couldn't take it. So the guy in front of me makes one of those quick decision left turns that basically say, "Fuck this. I'm not dealing. I know a better way." So, I make the quick too left thinking "OK, this guy knows the way around this." I followed him and he leads my right back to the school from a different street. Bastard!

Dawn Anna

Look, Debra Winger, I am glad you are getting work again. That's great. Really. But who the fuck is Dawn Anna? Do some fucking Lifetime movie about any inspirational real life chick you want to, but don't fucking call it Dawn Anna. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It is a stupid name for a person and a stupid name for a movie. And it kind of makes me hate you.

How you like that?

That's right, motherfucker. You can't intimidate me with your aggressive lane merging tactics. I ran my car into the side of a fucking mountain three days ago. You think some rickety landscaping truck is going to scare me off? I pray for some assmonkey like you to do something stupid. I need for that to happen so that it will cover the front end damage I caused and I can blame your dumbass and get it paid for. How you like that?

Just a word to the wise

If you are married to me do not, under any circumstances, invite your friend to dinner as I am putting dinner on the table. You really need to check with me first, preferably before said person is on my porch. If you do not show me this common courtesy you will pay, dearly, for the remainder of the night. It's early. The night is long. You know what a bitch I can be.

Yay! I Win

You took off the link to my area on our website and stuck it way at the bottom. Didn't bother to run this by me or even let me know. I found out matter of fact. I then bitched to you, boss, about how little my area is regarded by the company (let's face it, when I started everyone dumped things on me saying how happy they were they didn't have to do them anymore--makes one feel like jumping for joy to come in to work every day. Jump, I do. Pardon me while I wipe the sarcasm dripping off me.).

And another thing. That report I did per your request on our competitors that went absolutely nowhere. Well? What's up with that. Thanks for wasting about 3 weeks of my time (well, 3 weeks in between reading articles on the Philadelphia Eagles online). Note this is different than my weekly report that (except for you, Michelle) goes nowhere except into the Deleted file. Yes, anger does increase ball size. Boss, to give you credit, you realized I was right.

So, official stats just in--80% dropoff in traffic due to the change. And now the link goes back up where it was.
Me: 1
Those who dare to disregard me: 0

Dear This Side of the Second Floor,

Sorry about the popcorn smell. I know it is torture. At least I didn't burn it.

Thanks,
Michelle

resolutions

One of my New Year's resolutions was to write for at least an hour each day. So far, I'm O for 5. But last night, Lost and Alias was on. That's a legitimate excuse, right?

I know you're Jewish...

or maybe you aren't but, either way, could you refrain from using Hebrew words in your widely-distributed article. I have some idea of what "mensch" means, but I am not exactly sure. What I do know is that now I hate you and I just quit reading your article to type this post.

FCK EWE

On my way to work this morning, I made the most disgusted, judgmental expression I could contort my face into. You would think this is something I would do more often, but not so.

I saw a license plate frame that read, "Christopher's Golf Bitch." The rear window had in it a Calvin golfing sticker. It didn't look like there was any peeing involved. That's not so bad, though. Then I noticed the license plate. It read, "WYT ANJL." I think I am making that face again right now.

hey officemate

Is there a logical reason why you are taking digital photos of your computer? With a flash going off that is blinding me as I have to put my weekly report together (that no one reads)? It's nice you are making 6 figures and doing absolutely nothing. Which is the reason why you have so much time to order toys over the phone during work. That, and buying and selling cars on eBay.

I hate howard stern

Can someone explain to me how he is worth $500 million over 5 years? Seriously?

Speaking of tsunami donations

Okay, so first I have to admit that I am totally in love with Sandra Bullock. So, when I saw that she gave $1 million to the effort I thought, "That's my girl." So, then in the same article it says that Leonardo Dicaprio pledged a "sizeable" donation as well. What the hell does that mean? Sizeable? More like "I'm too embarrassed to admit I gave so much less than Sandy pledged so this should make it sound like I'm not cheap." I mean, who gets more per picture (that's "gets" not "deserves")? Dude, you made a movie on one of those destroyed beaches. Still, when I compare how much Sandy (see how close we are that I can call her "Sandy?") makes in a year versus what I make per year, suddenly my small donation seems pretty good in comparison--especially compared to Dicaprio!

Job I want peeve & real pet peeve

So it has dawned on me that if I get my boss's job that I desperately want, I am going to have to dress the part a little better. Not that I go to work as a total schlub, but just nicer than what I currently wear. No problem, if I get my boss's job with more $$ I can afford to dress nicer. The bigger problem is that for the most part, dressing professionally is tailored. Tailored is fitted. Joanne is not fit. Joanne is not a size 2 by any stretch of the imagination. (Joanne likes to refer to herself in the 3rd person) Fitted on fat chicks doesn't look so good. Sigh.

Baxter (for those that don't know small sable ferret, maybe 6 inches off the ground tops) likes to run around under my feet. When I am walking down the short hall from the bedroom or bathroom to the living room she is constantly either right where I am picking up a foot or right where I'm putting a foot down. As a result she is constantly getting kicked or I am walking some weird stilted way down the hall. Then I feel guilty for having kicked her, even though she forced me to. She keeps coming back for it, though, so I'm leaning towards some masochistic behaviors. Either that or she is too codependent to get out of the abusive situation. Considering she probably has gender identity disorder because I originally thought she was a boy (for years, long story she was already fixed and bit so it wasn't like I could do a lot of investigating, and the penis on boy ferrets retracts all the way inside so there really was nothing to see), I guess this isn't too shocking.

Gmail

Great. So my friend sends me an invite to get a Gmail account. This is perfect because, one it's hip and two, I can finally dump my AOL address (and let's face it, a Yahoo or Hotmail address is so pedestrian!). I was reluctant to dump AOL because so many people have the address, but the embarrassment of having an AOL address was beginning to outweigh this conundrum. Hell, when I was hiring staff (in my last suck ass job - not the current boring ass job where I'll never have enough to do to ever need to hire anyone. But I digress.) even I had a bias against applicants with AOL addresses! Now I find that I can't use my Gmail account on my laptop because I have OS 9 and there are no compatible browsers. So, I'll have to upgrade to OS X, my computer will become as slow as molasses and I'll have to buy a new laptop. This is a free account?!

What exactly are you using to steer with?

Hey buddy, picking your nose with one hand and holding your cell phone to your ear with your other hand is not something I want to see from someone driving right behind me!

Sexist Pigs

My family and I just moved into a new house, and one of the reasons for doing so was to get a big backyard for the kids and the dog to play around in. Big backyards cost a lot to landscape I have found out, and big nice swingsets that my great-great grandchildren will be able to play on because the last forever, cost even more. So recently I applied for a home equity loan. I originated the loan process. My phone number is listed by my name as the contact person for any questions regarding the loan. It is under MY name with my husband as a co-applicant. So I get this call at work yesterday and some lady asks for my husband. So I transfer her to him. He calls me five minutes later and says, "They are coming over to the house on Saturday to do a walkthrough."
"Who?"
"Her name is Jane Doe."
"And who is she?"
"From our loan company."

So the sexist bastards call MY number, ask for MY husband. Hello? I am smart enough to apply for and qualify for their best loan, but I can't schedule an appointment for them to come over and appraise my house? Because I put my husband down as a joint loan applicant means that he automatically makes all the financial decisions in the family? I think not. Fuckers.

I'm getting addicted

Now I finally have something to do to kill time during my boring ass job!

Memo to Writers Guild of America

Dear WGA,

Although I am not a member (but hope to be one day), may I propose a new rule. Any writer who puts into a script a scene whereby a character takes a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator, drinks it, is told it is breast milk, then spits it out, must be kicked out of the guild never to return. Exhibit A: "Meet the Fockers." Exhibit B: "Every bad sitcom ever aired on television."

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Michael (Future member)

MicroManagement

I hate micromanagement. If a customer sends an e-mail that is my responsibility to answer, but is distributed to you and others in the department for your information only, you don't need to discuss this with each other and then tell me how to answer a question that I answered four hours ago!!! I promise that if I need your help, I'll ask for it. If not, assume I did it and mind your own business! What the hell do you do all day, anyway?

Virgin Blogger (no relation to Richard Branson)

So, this is my first time ever blogging. Thanks, Michelle, for the invite. Why am I blogging? Because venting on IM just doesn't cut it. Yes, it is so in the moment. A "quickie" (sticking with the theme in the title). A momentary high. But once it's done, it's done. No record of it. You have to close it when a co-worker comes in (the last thing you need to have someone see is that damn flashing in the Start bar on your computer). And who the hell knows who is spying on your computer at work. Ya gotta wonder what they're really doing in IT. Lord knows there are so many problems with our website that never get fixed, something else must be going on. They give you a bunch of techie mumbo jumbo and hey, it sounds good to me. There's only so many tech words and acronyms I can pretend to know without my eyes rolling in the back of my head. I think they have a list of made up words to get rid of annoying employees wanting to know when something will be fixed. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging. No, on a blog, it is recorded for posterity. To look back on and say, "Yeah I remember that." Then, you can get pissed all over again. Great. Why did I accept Michelle's invitation again?

Why won't you just sleep?

For the past four days, Spencer, my most of the time cute as a button (takes after his mom) 19 month old has decided that life is way too exciting for him to miss any of it, especially by sleeping. So this results in an extremely crabby baby who wails like there is someone dissecting him every time we put him down for a nap, or even at night. Just out of the blue. I'm sure it is just a phase, but it really sucks. God I'm glad to be back at work.

Final Notice

If you are a contributor to this blog, I suggest you check out the first post of the year.

Saved from Spinsterhood

One of my project managers at work went to The Cook Islands and got married over the holidays. They had to go to the courthouse there and fill out an application for a marriage license. On the application, she had to mark the box for "Spinster" and her fiance had to mark the box for "Bachelor." There was no generic "Single." The whole time between getting the marriage license and getting married, her fiance kept bragging about saving her from spinsterhood. She was about ready to say screw getting married and go get her some cats.

Gym Locker

It has been 3 weeks... 3 WEEKS since I handed my 40 bucks over to my little gym to get assigned a gym locker. Admittadly one of those weeks has been a vacation week, but do I have a gym locker yet? NO. Bastads.

Being an Adult is Painful

So, I had my car towed to the dealership because the tires are an odd size and not everyone carries them but I know the dealership has them. I just wanted one new tire and the alignment done. Ok, so I need four new tires. I have kind of known that for awhile anyway. Rear brakes are at 30% and should be replaced now or soon. Ok, but I am not getting that done at the dealership. Oh, and your engine kind of looks like you don't take care of it and it needs all this maintenance stuff done. Grand total: $1369.65

I was understandably alarmed by such a number, so I rang up the editor who writes all of our consumer automotive advice articles. He was very patient and nice to me so if you could all go out and buy his book as thanks, I would appreciate it. I had the dealership fax over a price list and went over it with the editor. He basically said everything on the list is overpriced. For instance, they wanted to charge me $510 for the tires. I called up my old place and they said $279 out the door. Anyway, the editor told me to get all of my service records and see what has actually been done and then shop around for service. Painful. Pain. Full.

So, the assy dealership is putting on the full-size spare and fixing the alignment for $70.

criminy

I hydroplaned around a curve which made my car go straight instead of continuing around the curve. Fortunately, the muddy, rocky side of a hill kept me from crashing into anything else. I stopped on the side of the road and my husband called on the cell just then with the worst timing ever to ask me where his car keys were. I got out to check the damage. Mostly the car just looked muddy. While driving to work I noticed that the alignment was pretty messed up so I figured I would have to find a tire place somewhere around here and get that fixed today. By the time I got to work, my front tire was flat so now I have to call AAA.

Theater Peeve

I just got back from The Lion King, where I was a paying customer not just a volunteer. I paid a lot of money for my seat (a lot being relative, you know) to have a person behind me rattling a damn candy wrapper through a large portion of the 2nd half. Now firstly, the theater has a no food policy inside. Secondly why in the hell did she keep waiting until there was quiet dialog or quiet song vs when the entire cast and the entire orchastra playing to rattle the damn candy wrappers? At first I thought it was one of the kids sitting behind me, so I kept doing that half look where I don't really turn around but kind of like I'm going to glare. When that didn't work I really turned almost all the way around to discover it was a damn grown up! I glared and it was stopped shortly after. When you're in the middle of the seat in a darkened theater in the middle of a Broadway show, it is not the most opportune time to get up and find an usher to beat the woman with the little tiny usher flashlight.

edited because apparently Wrattling is not how you spell rattling and Michelle is anal. :)

Ageism

I always said I would never lie about my age to make myself younger than I really am. As much angst as there was leading up to turning 30, it really makes no difference to me now. I look however old I look and I am however old I am. Whatever.

What has been pissing me off, though, is seeing characters on TV who are supposed to be like 26, 27, 28 and the actresses who are playing them are like 36, 37, 38 and look every year of it. No way in hell some bitch who is 38 and looks it is going to run around saying she is two years younger than me. I won't have it.

Tonight I told my younger sister that she is going to have to say that we are fraternal twins since I am going to tell people I am the same age she is, 27. After talking about it a bit more, we decided that we are actually 25. Her husband said we shouldn't have any trouble passing for it. We also talked about moving to Malaysia, but we said we will wait until we are 30 for that.

I told my mom that if my sister and I are five years younger, that means she was actually 21 when she first got pregnant, not 16. She said no, that means she is now actually 42 instead of 47. I thought she would want to get rid of the stigma of a teen pregancy but she said she would rather have those five years back.

Looking Back

Before blogs became so prevalent, I had a web site that i tried to update on a weekly or monthly basis. It contained stories about my ex-boyfriends, movie reviews and lists of pet peeves going back to 1999. You thought two years worth of peeves was a lot? My grumpiness goes way back.

The number one favorite feature of the old site was The Hall of Exes. There are only four listed, but they are the highlights of my dating life. At one point, there was another section of The Hall of Exes called Purgatory. The husband ended up in there for awhile when we were dating. We were seeing other people and it was looking like we were going to break up. Obviously, we didn't. He made me take down the Purgatory page even though I still thought it was funny as hell.

If you check out the Pet Peeves, you will notice many recurring themes. The peeves of old were organized in much more straightforward lists, quite unlike the rambling diatribes of today.

One of my favorite features was the movie reviews section, especially One-Minute Movie Reviews. Movie Review Haiku was pretty good, too.

Bored Drunk

When I get drunk I get slutty. I get slutty and I tell all my secrets. Getting drunk alone in my living room watching pay-per-view is not conducive to either of those things. I didn't turn into a sad drunk, more like a bored drunk. After a few drinks, I was just like, eh, what's the point? As much as I like to joke about it, looks like I am not cut out to be an alcoholic. What good would I be if I can't even drink alone?

The International League of Peevishness & Botheration

January is a month for new beginnings, resolutions about being a better person, doing the things you keep putting off, changing your ways. It is also the month for renewing your annual memberships. I have decided to drop the Romance Writers of America in favor of the American Screenwriters Association.

As the founding member of the International League of Peevishness & Botheration, I have a lifetime membership that does not require renewal. You, however, do not. All current contributors have until midnight on January 31st to renew your memberships. It's easy to do. Just post anything to the blog before that time and your membership is renewed. Failure to do so will result in your expulsion from the blog.

No fooling. This is the year of the hard ass.