music

Don't you hate it when you just love certain music, then all of the sudden it has a negative association and you can't enjoy it like you used to? Yeah, me too.

Grossed Out

Ok, I think I am over my fascination with plastic surgery shows.

clever title

I cleaned the hell out of my house yesterday. Four loads of laundry, picked up all the crap lying around, vacuumed, swept and mopped the floors. After cleaning both bathrooms my right wrist was hurting like hell. I was telling my husband that I thought it was from squeezing the sponge so many times. Of all the things you may want to hear at that moment, I promise you one of them is NOT "maybe you should use your left hand". I guarantee it.

Killed any trees today?

Why does Pottery Barn feel that I need FOUR of their latest catalogs delivered by mail to me today. No one needs four of the 'early spring 2005' catalog. Especially since I received four of the 'late winter 2005' edition just a week ago.

P.S. It's the same stuff in both catalogs.

Dear Microsoft

Can you possibly put out a product that doesn't need an update every 15 minutes. Seriously? I just installed Service Pack 2 (yeah yeah I'm behind on them I know) and now you want me to download and install Service Pack 3? As well as Security update 2 - 10,000. Now I know it isn't your fault I'm on dial-up, BUT it would take me 151 minutes just to download Service Pack 3. 151 MINUTES. That's far more of my life than I feel like giving up. Of course by the time that 151 minutes is up, there'll probably be service pack 4 - 15 to download. Really, just create a product that works. That's not too much to ask is it? (Oh and computer geeks out there, please don't bother to explain to me all the details about why the products are all static and need to be able to grow and adapt for hackers and blah blah blah. I get it, I just don't care right at this moment.)

Expanding on a previous peeve

Sometimes I get that song Mambo Number Five stuck in my head. But I don’t really know the words so I steal a line from Boys in the Hood and sing:
One, two, three, four, five
Everybody’s in the park throwing up gang signs.
Then it goes through my head over and over because that’s all I know.

Is it over yet...

The obsession with JLo? Can it be? Please? I'm sick of her. I was sick of 'bennifer' and now I am sick of 'mennifer.' I don't care already!

Couldn't you have picked cinammon raisin?

Wow alien officemate, that onion bagel smells so damn strong. And those poppy seeds are so going to get caught in your teeth.

Fungus is the least of our problems

Hi. Can you see me? Yes? Oh, good. Then that means you should realize that I can see you.

I see you taking off your shoes. And your socks. Exposing your nasty, sweaty (and most likely smelly) feet.

You do realize you're in public, right? This is, in fact, a community center. Not a podiatrist's office. Or shoe store. We don't like to see feet here. Ever. For any reason.

Oh, and later, when you're at the bar and you want to take your shoes off and put your nasty-wool-sock-clad feet on a stool or chair? Don't. Thanks.

By the way, I dropped my tapeworm sample over there somewhere. Tread carefully.

Will we have to do this EVERY quarter??

Every quarter you call me dear professor... wanting to know why your son has a financial aid hold. Every quarter I investigate and discover that although tuition has been paid through our tuition program... the course fees (labs whatever) have not. Will you pay attention to the damn bill you receive? Pretty please with sugar on top?

Moment of struggle...

I hate it when I'm waiting on someone to come in for a meeting that I know won't take too long. But I have to pee. But I don't want the person to think I left her and forgot about the meeting. But I have to pee. But with my luck she'll walk up to my office just after I've entered the bathroom. But I have to pee!

Cheap drugs by mail

This was in my e-mail in-box this morning. Seventeen times.

_Ci~ali.s, at $1.71 per. dose!
_V~iag.ra_ at $1.56 per. dose!
X@na'x. at $1.17 per. dose!
Vai'um. at $1.30 per. dose!
_& others!

Annoying little fuckers. Don't they know I get my Valium from CVS?

Signing Off

No, I am not following the trend of taking a blog hiatus, but I will be without internet access until Monday night. Be nice to each other. I don't want to have to ground any of you when I get back.

What am I? An encyclopedia of crap?

When I answer the phone, "Good afternoon [insert employer here] benefits office this is Joanne how can I help you?" Why on earth would you ask about the intranet and how to log into it. That's what helpdesk is for. I've clearly identified myself as NOT being of the helpdesk.

Dear Alien Officemate, Part 7

Dear Mork,

If you are going to leave your office for an extended period of time (for which I am eternally grateful), please turn the music off that is blasting through your headphones before you leave. And I'm not sure I would call that music. Probably more like a signal to your home planet.

Thank you,

Michael (who is searching the sky for incoming UFOs)

dryness

The dryness in my nose is making me crazy... CRAZY! It itches. It is making me sneeze, but there's no snot. None.

Shout it out!

Damn, I just noticed the shirt I'm wearing has a spot on it and I just got it out of the wash. Now I'm going to have to walk around with my hand over it so no one sees it at work. Hate that! It better come out next time I do laundry!

I'm a dyslexic typist

No matter how careful I am, and how often I tell myself to use the flipping spell-check, I always manage to send out at least one dodgy e-mail a day. Would is always 'woudl', could is always 'coudl' and should is always 'shoudl'. I've done this my whole life. I have set my MS Word to auto-correct but my stupid e-mail program doesn't have this feature. And that's my peeve for this morning. Big whup.

Build-up

I've been holding onto this post for HOURS:

If you give me a plant because you do not want to take care of it anymore, and you acknowledge that, and the plant sits on my desk for the next few weeks, it is NOT YOUR PLANT TO THEN THROW OUT BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO HASSLE WITH IT!!!!!

Darwin

I like seeing people in minivans driving around like fucking maniacs, and you know why? Because those are the people who are going to get their children killed. Survival of the fittest, my friends. It pleases me to know that those genes won't be circulating on the planet for long.

False Peeves

Okay, I have a peeve with some recent peeves, and peeve-themes. Hold onto yer butts:

1) People can dress however they want. Everyone has different taste in clothes and is comfortable wearing different things. Faux-fur collars? Acid-washed jeans? Casual leather pants? Fine, fine and a bit silly, but fine. If you are comfortable, if it makes you feel good, wear it, and don't let some pissy shithead tell you otherwise. (I'm wearing a multi-colored panel brushed silk shirt and Aqua-Socks(TM) as I write this.)

2) Nipples are not yucky. Maybe seeing nipples (guys or girls) poking thru clothes offends you because you've been brainwashed by the increasingly puritanical national psyche, which has been slipping back toward the Salem Witch Trials since the 70s (I don't know what witches have to do with nipples, save that old "colder than" cliche, but I'm sticking with that sentence). Now, nipples poking through clothes might mean it's just too damn cold in the room, which is cause for concern. And, yes, many nipples are bizarrely shaped and/or hairy. But they are not yucky, in concept or in practice.

Thanks for your time,

--David

It's a French Whorehouse

While I know this is better than the alternative, it smells like a freakin' perfume factory exploded in the men's room. What the hell is up with that?

STFU

Officemate,
LOWER your FUCKING voice.
Thank you.

Regarding Urban Etiquette

Dear Parents,

Even though I live in "the city", it is still customary to ring the doorbell when you arrive at my home. (Even though we apartment-dwelling urbanites call it a "buzzer".)

Using your cellphone to call me is not an acceptable alternative. It is especially odd to call me from two blocks away to alert me to your arrival. As it is not necessary for me to greet you at the front door, please do not do this again.

Just ring the goddamn buzzer, already. Freaks.

Lovingly,
Your son

Fashion Fur Pas

If you're over the age of 8, you should not ever wear a shirt with furry cuffs and a furry neckline.

I'm willing to extend the age up til 12, but you, as an annoying, Stupid Rude Cubemate, well surpass that deadline.

P.S. - I can see your pointy nipples through your shirt. Ick.

Damn, that hurt

I was playing with my son a little while ago. I said 'where is mommy's nose?' He pointed, then got a little closer, stuck his finger up my nose and clawed the hell out of my nostril. The bleeding just stopped, after about 25 minutes.

Comprendez?

Dear Product Manager,

Do we not speak the same language? Do you have anything to stop the information you receive from going in one ear and out the other? When I tell you over and over again there is a problem with the product in which you are in charge, don't sit there in a meeting and say you've never heard this before. It was all I could do to keep from killing you. I haven't just told you verbally. Check the numerous e-mail exchanges between you, me and our boss. I will never trust you to know what the hell is going on again.

Signed,

Michael, who is having flashbacks about the moron program manager at my last job

And speaking of being American

If you are going to live and work in America, you are welcome to do so (albeit legally), but please also learn our habits. One of which is bathing. If I have to work with you, please follow standard hygienic rules and stand under a shower more than, oh, once a week. It will be embarrassing for both of us if I pass out at work because of your stench. Thank you.

Damnit!

I had a peeve.

But I forgot it during the time it took for Blogger to load.

Damnit!

Happy Holiday

Why am I sitting in an office in a building where everything else is closed, including all the parking entrances but one, on a holiday? This is anti-American! Bastards!

Flu's Gone

Fine, I'm back at work. Whatever.

Oh, and I have a dentist appointment in 20 minutes. The boy dog chomped on one of my invisalign braces so I haven't worn it in about five days. It is going to HURT putting on the new one. I also have to get a cavity filled. I was supposed to do it last Tuesday but the flu interrupted that. The dentist's office sent me a get well card that was really cute. At this point I realize I am rambling and that my addled brain might be sign that I am not yet fully recovered. Well, there is still the snot to contend with, as well.

Online Peeve

Pop-up ads WITH SOUND. Wtf?

I ask you this:

How much snot and phlegm can one person have? More than I ever thought possible. And the husband has requested that I quit showing it to him. He doesn't care how big or how green it is.

Proving yet again I am mildly retarded

Don't you just hate it when you cook something great but you totally screw it up? Something you've made a hundred times before, you don't even have the excuse of it being the first time you tried it. You've made it so many times and it's always come out great then for some unknown reason it's just completely fucked up tonight.

Translation:
for some unknown reason=talking on the phone while cooking

Beef... it's what's for dinner.

I really need to remember not to order beef from most Asian food restaurants. (Mongolian beef notwithstanding). It is never as good as I want it to be. I had the ginger beef skewers from a local place that I love the chicken of, and hmm... just not great. I think they don't necessarily buy great cuts of meat. But I did branch out and try something new which is rare for me at a restaurant. Usually I just get the same thing all the time. It is becoming astoundingly obvious why that is. :)

Not Only...

...do I have a boss who doesn't read her emails before replying, but I have Stupid Rude Girl who doesn't realize that others can read their emails. So she makes you stop what you're doing to explain that she sent an email and describe what that email is about. And when you say, "Yeah, I saw the email," she says no, I'll send another one. And when she keeps describing what that new email will say, and you say AGAIN yes, that's what your email from last night says, she'll act all huffy.

The Score, Final Period

The Flu: 1,937
Michelle: 1

The flu has well and truly kicked my ass. Today was worse than the other two days combined.

Speaking of Survivor

Great, it's pouring rain. That'll make the commute home loads of fun.

Lower My Bills Ads

I swear I'm not this person... I'm not... but all of the Lower My Bills .com ads I have seen appear as though their little animated cartoon is humping something. It is starting to freak me out a little bit. Anyone else notice? Please? Don't say it is just me... (ok it might be me).

Ball-less Wonders

How can you be afraid to walk through a room full of people to get to the office that is your destination but have absolutely no qualms about sharing intimate details about your digestive system?

This is a general Seattle peeve: it's a whole city full of wusses. Grow some frickin' balls, already. We should have city-wide assertiveness trainings. They can be held in the stadiums, utilizing the MegaVision screens. I shall facilitate, and be rich. Damn wusses.

I wish I had some tranquilizers right now.

Not for me. For the boy dog. I could seriously kill him right now. There is nothing like being woken from a dead feverish sleep by a snarling, barking dog because someone rang the doorbell.

Another thing that I hate about work

Why can't we have both hot and cold water in the restroom? And soap that doesn't smell funny? I was raised to wash my hands after I pee and it's not very nice to do with freezing cold water and stinky soap.

If I had three wishes right now

I would for sure use one up on wishing that I had already figured out how to use Tivo To Go so that I could watch Lost on my laptop in the spare bedroom instead of getting up to go to the living room.

Psychic Prediction

I WILL be staying home for a third day due to the flu. Screw those goddamn homeopathic non-working remedies.

Brought to you by:
The late-night, house-walking, slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, no-sleeping wraith.

warning

Do not buy Lil' Bratz dolls for your children. They will lose interest by the time you get the damn thing out of the box. They are strapped down in six places and their accessories are fucking sewn to the box.

Comments...

Has anyone else noticed that the comments in their new fancy schmancy format now take FOREVER to open to post one? Is it just me? It is isn't it...

Unrelated to comments, but a peeve nonetheless. My new computer... spiffy shiny and all that... is apparently still not something enough to run my Law & Order computer game. Seriously, who knew I had to get a Cray Supercomputer for it.

Auto-dialers, telemarketers, & outsourcing

I hate 'em all. Combined, however, and they are beyond evil. My latest round of battle with these people included the following fun features:

• Ending every sentence with "...,ok?"
• Asking to speak with the same person five times after learning said person is unavailable
• Telling me you're going to transfer me to your customer service center, then talking to me for a further five minutes
• Asking for information about the organization without telling me why you want it
• Getting pissy with me when I become exasperated with not being able to end this interminable sales call

In the end, however, I "won". They asked for my title and I said I was the temporary coordinator, which freaked her out so much she put me on hold. (I assume to confer with a supervisor.) I took the opportunity to hang up.

Good times.

At the tone...screw you

How many goddam times are you going to call my number to take it for you to realize I am not a fax machine!

Blog Operations

I am making notes for the template redesign. Instead of linking to your profile, you can have your name on the left link to wherever you want (within reason). If you are a contributor to this here blog, please comment with the URL to which you want your name linked.

Thanks,

Queen of the Peeved

P.S. Has anyone heard of lavendar ice cream? I am watching this party planner show WHILE WORKING and they are serving lavendar ice cream. Sounds disgusting.

I know I am a little late jumping on the bandwagon, but...

I am so sick of those erectile dysfunction commercials. Gah!

Rules of the Road

Green means Go.

This just in...

Michael is the only man on this blog who does not carry a man-purse.

Mary Kay and Vili request the honour of your presence......

.....and here's a link to their wedding registry.

Let's all chip in and buy them the Krups rice cooker - it's only $79.99.

It's a trap, I tell you!

It's bad enough that I always get those 20 percent off coupons at Bed Bath and Beyond, but at least it forces me to buy one item at a time. Now that I refied, I guess some genius there assumed I just moved in to a new house so they sent me a 20 percent off ENTIRE PURCHASE. Do you know how dangerous that is? I mean, do I really need a travel pillow (well, maybe now that the airlines aren't giving pillows out anymore, I do need one) or one of those fogless mirrors that only works for about a month? Went during my lunch hour and blew $200. Yes, I really did need all that stuff. I just wish I could remember what I bought.

Free, but...

I know you're free, Blogger, but how many times do you need to publish my last post? I think folks'll get it the first time. Asshats.

Too little, too late

Dear Not-for-Profit Organizations,

Thank you for several years of employment, and the continued consideration of my résumé. I have always felt it was important to give back to my community through my formal employment and you have allowed me to do so for many years.

Recently, however, you seem to balk at placing me on the payroll. While I sit here listening to a training workshop for non-profit leaders, I realize you are all morons. I know all the information being presented today. Worse than that, I could present the information better than these speakers. This leads me to the conclusion that I could actually fill your crappy, underpaid positions with ease, perhaps even exceeding your expectations. However, it is too late. I hate you.

It's been nine months now, and I'm done. I'm not going to apply for a single non-profit job. I am also not going to volunteer for you. I don't care if those poor little children will get nothing. Find some other sucker. (Or email Joanne, because she's nicer than I am.)

Furthermore, when I am rich and famous, I will not give you money. I will not donate my time nor my name to your cause. In fact, when asked, I will tell people it is wrong to support non-profits. It isn't, but I'm an ass. Get over it. And, when I see your little minimum-wage peons crawling around the street corners begging for money or contact information or whatnot, I'm going to kick them.

So now I'm headed to the corporate world for work. I'm going to make more money that I have managed to do so far, and I'll be considerably less fulfilled by my work. But I don't care anymore. You've sucked the compassion right out of my soul. I hope you're happy.

Kiss my ass,
Matthew

P.S. This is my last job-search peeve. Promise.

Dear Employees

If you are not going to be bothered to read the information packet and/or the many, many emails we sent during our open enrollment period to let you know the changes, I cannot be bothered to answer your stupid ass questions about said changes. In fact, I may push you down my stairs just because you have pissed me off. Also, if your question is going to take 10 - 15 minutes to answer, please do not come into my office at 11:59 or 4:29. You cut into 'me' time.
Thanks,

Your vaguely friendly neighborhood HR office.

Confucious Say

"Today will be lucky and memorable for you."

That's the fortune from the cookie I just ate, leftover from last night's fancy Valentine's dinner of vegetarian Chinese take-out. Thanks, Peking Noodle Co.

The Score, First Period

The Flu: 1
Michelle: 1

Two Nyquil and five more hours of sleep have made a world of difference. I think the pounds and pounds of homeopathic remedies in my system have also contributed to my superior immune system. The husband called me from Chicago on Friday, during a layover, and told me he had the flu and to start taking echinacea right away, so I did. Echinacea all weekend. Yesterday I added Zicam and Oscillo to regimen. All day yesterday I could feel like the flu was trying to get in, but last night when I went to bed I was feeling fine. It snuck in while I was sleeping. I woke with a runny nose and a pounding head. I took one dose of Nyquil and a round of all of the homeopathic crap and now I am feeling mucho bettero.

The last time this happened, my husband was out of commission for five days with the flu. I was out of commission for one. I hope this is the one day.

Michelle's Homepathic Cure:
Echinacea: One dose 6 times a day
Vitamin C (powdered crystals): One tbs 1-2 times a day
Zicam: One dose every 3 hours until the bottle runs out
Oscillo: One dose every six hours for 2 days

Sad breakfast incident

This morning I put my donut in the microwave hypothetically to just heat it up for 30 seconds. I wasn't thinking and put it in for 2 minutes. All the chocolate frosting melted then turned into a vague plastic like substance. The donut itself became hard and inedible. It forced me to have the alternate healthy breakfast of corn chips instead. :

Stupid Annoying Boss

If you would ever read your emails prior to writing emails, you wouldn't look like such an ass. You would find that your team has already given you the information you need and that you really just made yourself look stupid all over again.

The Score

The Flu: 1
Michelle: 0

A love note to my husband

If you use my car on Monday and I need it for work on Tuesday, don't you think I would appreciate some GASOLINE and some WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID? Do it again and I will murder you in your sleep.
Kisses.

God damned brain

This is two, count them, TWO Dixie Chicks songs I like.
Son of a bitch! If I find another one I like I may have to commit suicide.
Three would just be too many to deal with. I don't like having to kick my own ass. Again.

Ayudame, por favor.

I need to add some more blogs or sites to the blogroll. I go through the ones on there now in less than half an hour. Anyone have any suggestions?

In the Words of PM...

...suck it, homework.

Seriously.

Read the chapter? Fine.

Read the case? Fine

Do a 15pg 'case study' of the case that has no impact a) on your grade or b) on your learnings?

Whatever.

6 weeks and one day left.

Grrrrrr

Really cute sweatshirt.
Really itchy tag.

Suck It Soft Hits

First, you should not make me hold for 20-25 minutes to speak to a customer service specialist. Second, you should not subject me to soft hits of the seventies like "We Are Family," particularly since I have it on speakerphone because I refuse to allow you to give me a crick in my neck. SUCK IT!

(For all of you who hate people who use speakerphone at work, I have an office so I am not bothering anyone. In fact, right now, I am being bothered by the end of the day gossip rounds taking places in offices and cubes nearby.)

Stupid Rude Cubemate - Amended

If you see that Cubemate J and Cubemate K are BOTH on conference calls, why would you stand up and crumple up a plastic bag?

Oh, right, because you're stupid and rude.

If you see that Cubemate J and Cubemate K are BOTH STILL on conference calls, why would you start muttering to yourself loudly - and for a good couple minutes - while staring at your monitor?

Oh, right, because you're stupid and rude.

And why is it that you're gone for half of every work day? I know that there are many days when I traipse across the parking lot to the building next door, but that's because I believe in face time with my client and in building a relationship with them. You don't, because you're stupid and rude.

I've come to the conclusion that I hate you. Go away now.

Bubba Love

I just received a gorgeous bouquet of roses from my husband who, knowing the rules of Valentine's Day, called a nearby florist directly so that he could guarantee they would arrive to me at work today. None of the online places would guarantee delivery today. Husbands are good to have sometimes.

Proof item #261 my officemate is an alien

That petrified teabag I mentioned in my post below? He just drank out of the mug it is sitting in. I'm going to barf!

Stupid New Client

If you haven't contacted me with any information about your project...and if you haven't even identified yourself to me...then why would you email me asking for an update on your project???

It's called FLOSS

...and it only costs about two bucks. Buy it and keep it in your desk (if you can find it with all the trash lying around). That way you don't have to sit there all morning picking your teeth!

P.S. to my note

Oh, and I don't know what alien food it is you are eating--probably freeze dried human--but that crunching and chomping is so goddam annoying! Try closing your mouth when you eat.

Another note to alien officemate

Sorry you had to come in early (for you, that is--9:30) and had your meeting cancelled. Maybe that will give you time to clean up your area. Throwing away that teabag that is probably now petrified would be a good start.

Adios, Mi Amiga

New Jan Brady has bid farewell to the world of blogging. She is out. Jen##### is in.

One, two, three, four, five.....

Sometimes I get that song Mambo Number 5 stuck in my head.

Bad Edits

In a movie like Dirty Dancing why, oh why, would you cut the lift in the water scene? I know you have to edit it for TV but there were so many other scenes you could cut. Suck it, USA network.

Broken Links

I know I've posted my hatred of broken links before. In a website like www.geocities/freidawmillerroolz/ilikepuppies&rainbowzdotcom I can almost forgive it because after all, it is a regular person. In a government website like the city of Seattle or the state of Washington, it better damn well be correct. They have people to take care of these things.

You got the look.

I think I am going to change the design of the blog again. Any thoughts?

Do you need a map?

We've lived in this house for almost five years. So how can it be that my husband still doesn't know where certain dishes and utensils belong? Selective memory, I say.

I Hate the New Comments

Change is never good. And why didn't anyone ask me first?

airplanes

I was fortunate enough to travel this past week, giving me some ammo for this blog. I've noticed my posts have become less frequent since the goal was reached. Maybe I'm becoming more tolerant. Maybe I've just been avoiding my known peeves. Anyway, here's a list of the things about flying that bug me.
1. People who stop to get stuff out of their bags before putting them in the overhead compartment. If you need something, get it out before boarding or wait until we're in the air. Don't stop the line because you need your freaking eye mask or your smut novel. You might have your toes "accidentally" run over by the suitcase of the person behind you. That suitcase is very heavy, just so you know.
2. People who really get the emergency instructions out of the seat back in front of them as the flight attendants are going over the rules. Is it really that tough? You know you're going to freak out and run around screaming anyway, you'll forget to secure your own mask before helping others, and forget about the floatation device, you're too stupid to figure out how it inflates. And nobody really wants you to.
3. Those stupid blow up neck pillows. I know it's hard to sleep while you're on a plane, but we're only going to be in the air for three hours. You can hold it together that long, I just know it!
4. Terrorists. Terrorists really suck.
5. When the pilot tries to keep you informed about where you are in the trip. I don't care what state we're currently over. It all looks the same. Please just focus on your job and get me on the ground as quickly as possible. Don't try to be funny either. My pilot should be very serious, no screwing around in the cockpit. (Side note: words like cockpit and headwinds are funny)
6. Rude flight attendants. Smile when you offer me a coke. I don't care if it's sincere. I know it's annoying to deal with the passengers, but that's your job. Nobody's holding a gun to your head. Except in the worst case scenario, see #4 above. I also don't want you to be overly chatty. I absolutely don't want to see you flirting with that shiny male flight attendant either. Why is he so shiny, anyway?
7. People who let their kids fight, kick the seat in front of them, whine, scream, cry, walk around, or generally annoy the other passengers. If your kids are fighting sit between them. If your kid is whining you can a. give them what they want and shut them up or b. smack them. A plane is not the proper place for a battle of wills. If you do not shut your kid up that guy in the next isle might, and I wouldn't want to see that. OK, I would totally want to see that.
8. People who don't get off the plane as quickly as possible. If you want to hang out and say your goodbyes to the crew then step aside. If you don't have all your shit in your bag by the time we've arrived at the gate then stay in your fucking seat and rearrange your carry-on to your hearts content. I don't care as long as you're not blocking my way. Because I will run you over. Or maybe just stand there and glare at your back, but with mean thoughts in my head.
9. The food. Airplane food sucks ass. I don't know why they try to feed you stuff like ravioli and meatloaf or whatever. They should stick to something that travels well, like a sandwich. A nice simple sandwich. You know that steak is going to take like crap. You know it and you serve it anyway. Leave the gourmet food to the professionals and give me some cheese and crackers. Also, can you please put more ice in my cup? Really, I love it when the ice is piled over the edge of the cup so I can fit two tablespoons of coke in there at a time. Aaaahhhh, so refreshing. Half a mouthful of coke then refill. Repeat.
10. This last one is a positive. My flight to Denver was late getting in because of strong headwinds. (haha, headwinds) We had a connection to San Francisco that was boarding about the time we landed. The pilot came on and asked anyone who didn't have a connection to make to please wait and let the others off, people like me who had to run to another flight. Dragging a kid. He also listed all the gates for the upcoming flights so I didn't have to stop and check the monitor. Thanks to him we made the flight and I was very grateful. Too bad I didn't have time to stop and chat on my way out.
It's a good thing I don't travel more often. I don't travel well. I feel like digging my nails down the sides of my face and ripping my hair out by the roots within the first hour. By the last hour I'm checking my watch every ten minutes. Then every five minutes. I guess that should be #11: Sitting still in a seat the size of a dinner plate. A seat that reclines two inches. How relaxing. Yet somehow it still bugs when the person in front of you does it. How is that possible?

Lent

I gave up rum and magazines.

How I Really Feel

I've had this temporary, part-time job for two months now. At first I wasn't going to apply for the permanent, full-time position but then I changed my mind. I'm a girl, it's my prerogative. I applied because I knew I was the best candidate for the job. I have the balance of skills necessary to do what is, in short, three full-time jobs in a normal 40-hour week. I'm clever, I could manage.

I applied. I interviewed. I interviewed well. I interviewed again, better than the first time. Then on Wednesday I knew. I'm a girl; I intuit these things. I knew on Wednesday that an offer had been made to someone for the job. That someone wasn't me. It was agonizing. I should've been told, as a courtesy. I do have to work in the environment every day, interacting frequently and closely with the boss. It is rather callous to not tell me I'm out. (I realize there are some legalities here, but I consider them irrelevant. I'd really have to be screwed over to sue a non-profit organization.)

Friday was the deadline for finding out, and still I hadn't heard anything. I was getting ready to leave for the day, and decided I had to know before the weekend. So I asked. I had to ask(!) for the bad news about the job!!

The boss' response: "Blah, blah, more fund development experience, blah, blah, really tough decision, blah, blah, blah." (I find it difficult to retain obvious bullshit.)

So I said that's great, blah, blah, blah, etc. Then left.

But this is how I really feel:

Where the hell do you get off? I've made you look better in the last two months to your board of directors than you've managed by yourself in quite some time. It's only been seven weeks and I can anticipate 80% of your needs and meet them ahead of schedule.

Secondly, I may not have much formal fund development experience but I know how it's done. Furthermore, we talked about your fund development plan and I gave you some ideas that you are going to implement. Clearly I know what I'm doing in this case. Just because someone has experience in an area doesn't mean they're good at it. If I bother do to something, I'm good at it. Trust me.

Then you told me that the person you hired has limited volunteer management experience. You didn't say this directly, but I picked up on it. Trust me, this will be a problem. Your volunteers suck. When you said you may spin off the volunteer management job into its own full-time gig, I said I would never take it. Managing volunteers is a waste of my diverse skills, but I told you it was more than that. I hate your volunteers. I loathe them. If I drove a car, I would cruise around town waiting to find one in a crosswalk so I could run them down!

But more than that, the volunteers need to control the public access space, which is slowly being taken over by drugged-out homeless sluts. I'm not exaggerating. It will take a strong manager to fix the volunteer program and keep the place from turning into a homeless brothel. I have the skills, experience, and desire to do this. I hope She does as well.

Which does bring me to my final point. You hired a woman. Are you fucking out of your mind? The organization doesn't need any more feminine energy. The board is dominated by women, both executive directors have been women, and the sole staff member has been a woman. If you've hired another lesbian (God help you if she's white) you will have dealt the organization a severe blow. It is not sufficient to demonstrate diversity in your interviewing process, as you put it. The staff, all two of you, must reflect the community at large as best you can.

You've brought this crap down on yourself. Don't come crying to me in three months when you realize you've made the wrong decision.

I hope all the plants in your yard die this summer. And your partner cheats on you. With a man. I hate you.

See you on Monday.

I have 50 years left.

They keep trying to SUCK ME BACK IN.

What part of "I'm on vacation" do they not understand? Hello, guys? Don't call me. I don't care. Whatever is going on, you can handle it. Am I getting paid for talking to you right now? If I'm not getting paid for it, I do not want to discuss it! Who cares if she quit! She's been on leave anyway, is it really an impact? Drama drama drama. LOVE IT.

Why am I here?

If I tell you that I will look into X, Y, and Z...and you've worked with me before and know that I generally do what I say...then why would you look into X, Y, and Z yourself?

If we're on a conference call and you start talking about X, Y, and Z, and I say I've looked into that, why would you ignore me? Why would you start playing around with X, Y, and Z yourself?

Why would you interrupt me when I start to tell you my findings of X, Y, and Z? You made me want to bang the phone on the table and ask, "Is this thing on?"

Jackass.

Speaking of Hallmark

This is a funny video (with sound) about the making of Shoebox greeting cards.

It starts out as a peeve, but it has a happy ending.

It is raining here. I remind you that here is Los Angeles. Rain pounds the Southland. I couldn't get within a mile of the freeway because traffic was backed up so badly. I was looking at 1.5-2 hours to drive the 15 miles to work. That shit ain't worth it. I turned around and came back home. I made sure to call my boss from the car so that she could hear the rain and the windshield wipers and know I wasn't faking. Working from home, working from home, I am working from home.

Network This, Bitch

Stupid network problems won't let me do ANYTHING. I can't empty out my sent and deleted folders to remedy the 'exceeded capacity' that I've worked hard to get to; I can't check my email; I can't work on a spreadsheet project...and to think, I even showered this morning.

H@llmark Hijinks

We all know that Valentine's Day is a crock of shit. A ploy to unload our pockets on tacky red gifts and high calorie chocolate. I hate Valentine's Day, but of course I had to buy my husband a present...and my son...but this year was different. I sat at the table for hours making valentines for preschool monsters. Can't we just homeschool him? Fucking Valentine's Day.

Retail Therapy

Is there anything I love more than a giant pink Marc Jacobs knock-off bag? If so, please tell me so that I can buy one and hump it.

Accents...

I know it is wrong and I freely admit it, but older men with southern accents just don't sound like they know what they are talking about when they call about the internet.

Get out of my way!

Look, I am really sorry your car broke down and you had to call a tow truck. But dammit, I have to get back to work so move that goddam tow truck out of the exit ramp so I can pass! I can't sit here all day! Then you can push the car all you want.

Messages..

If you leave me a message, please leave a phone number EACH time you leave a message. I know you left me a message yesterday, and I called you back yesterday but I didn't memorize your phone number. (You would probably prefer it if I didn't)

Cheapass Blogger

I realize this is a free service. But seriously - when I click on the 'post a comment' after a new post on someone's obviously active blog, why would you tell me that the blog cannot be found? What kind of crap is that?

If you don't start shaping up, I'm going to have to take my business somewhere else. Free.

Record Time!

I finished my boring-ass report early today! Guess I'll play PopCap the rest of the day. Gotta unwind somehow.

Another reason to hate Microsoft

Every time I hit the "Back" button in Internet Explorer I get that goddam message "Warning! Expired" crap and have to start all over again. Why did they build that annoying shit in. Finally I found a link that tells you how to correct it by changing a setting. It shouldn't be like that in the first place. And I am forced to use IE for my boring-ass Wednesday report because the system I use to get all the stats only works on IE. Which is another reason to hate Microsoft!

"Fill out" not "Down the Drain"

For fuck's sake, it is "flesh out" not "flush out." If you want to flush your ideas, by all means, be my guest.

Guess who's gonna pay

Hey moron! Here we are stuck in traffic on a steep hill. Do you not see me rolling back slightly every time we move forward? Can't you figure out that I drive a stick shift, you stupid bastard? Is it necessary to move up so close that you give me no room? If I can't see the hood of your car in my rear view mirror that means you are TOO DAMN CLOSE to me! And if I roll back into your car, whose insurance is going to pay? Yours will! Thanks for making me fry my clutch, dipshit!

Dear Jack

Your frozen pizzas are possibly the thinnest I've ever had. Damn your packaging for fooling me! That is the last time I opt for the cheap 4-for $10 pizzas.

What?

Yeah, I ate the whole thing.

Hey, fuck you. I was hungry.

I Have a Peeve!

Unfortunately for me, it would take too long to set up the backstory so ya'll could understand it.

Which is in NO WAY meant to imply that ya'll are slow, just that there's a lot of backstory. Which is not a euphenism, even though it sounds like one.

unFUCKINGbelievable

It took me 1.5 hours to get home from work today. My drive is only 15 FUCKING miles.

Dear Vile On-Line Ticket Company

Dear Assmunchers,

It's one thing for me to try numerous times to purchase tickets from your site, only to get server errors just as the confirmation is coming through. It's another thing to keep giving me these errors long enough so the event sells out and now I can't get tickets. But will you explain how the fuck you charged my credit card 5 TIMES and produced no tickets?! And only credited me back 3 times?! Now you don't publish a phone number to call and bitch you out about it. Let me hand you a book so you can turn to chapter 11 because that's where you belong, you morons!

Signed,

Pissed off and ticketless

Appetite? Gone.

Ok, here's the thing. If you are standing at one end of a long grocery store aisle, I at the other end, and I can smell that fact that you need a shower, there is a problem. Maybe you are poor and cannot afford soap and water. In that case, you really ought to put back the doritos, cookies and ice cream. Save that money for soap. Seriously.

Empty your fucking mailbox!

I have been trying to call a certain dean since yesterday. Her number rings to her admin. Her admin never picks up. Her admin's voice mailbox is completely full. How many voice mails do you have to have to fill the box completely? Are all these messages that necessary? Seriously.

Blue Lips

It's farking freezing in here. Another plus about working from home - I would be in complete control of the temperature.

Tactfully

How do you tell someone that the fake color of one's hair is not flattering to one's skin tone?

When is it?

Yikes! I can't find my calendar. What time is my brow wax? When is Joanne coming to visit? What day is it?

Dear CubeMate

I know it's 4pm and fairly dead around here. However, it should be obvious that I'm on a conference call. You can tell that by the fact that I have a phone to my head and I've been talking into it.

So would you please quit throwing shit around in your cube? Have some common decency, fuckstick.

Choose Your Own Termination

Dear Volunteers,

You are fired. Below is a list of reasons. Pick the reason(s) that apply to you, and never come back.

1. You resent me because I'm straight. (This reason is so dumb you're fired twice.)
   
2. You don't show up for your shifts. Ever.
   
3. You sexually harass the drop-ins.
   
4. You speak to me in a condescending manner. (For the record, I am too smart for this job. There are other factors at play here that are, quite frankly, none of your frickin' business.)
   
5. You've made the mistake of thinking I'm nice and that I like you. (This is unforgivable. Please move to Portland. Portland, Maine.)

I hate you people. Get out and let me start from scratch.

I need drugs

Damn! Allergies are so bad today that Claritin's not working. My mouth itches! Misery on top of misery on top of misery (read: allergy on top of being at work on top of yesterday's Super...can't even bring myself to spell it out).

Only the third circle, but it's still Hell

I am the Temporary Center Coordinator at the LGBT Community Center. This job is part-time, but it produces full-time peeves.

Every Friday I send out a huge electronic mailing. This mailing produces such massive blowback due to a mismanaged listserv that I have to leave Outlook open to continuously download email messages off the mail server so my mailbox doesn't fill up by Saturday morning. This is a peeve in and of itself, but I'm not going to fix it unless I get the permanent full-time gig.

A bigger peeve is that I don't have an office, I have an old granny desk underneath the stairs. My desk is between the access to this area and the storage shelves, which means I suffer daily interruptions from people accessing toilet paper and lightbulbs. There are only six people in The Center at any one time, you wouldn't think this would have to be a daily occurrence.

Someone came in this weekend and took everything that was neatly stacked on my desk, and stacked it neatly on the table behind my desk. Unfortunately they must've thrown it into the air first and picked it up off the floor, because now everything is out of order.

The little fairies also closed Outlook. By the time I finished downloading all my messages, I had five "mailbox full" notices as of early Saturday morning. If anyone tried to email after that I'm sure the messages bounced.

If I ever find out who you are, little fairies, I will stuff your sorry asses through the paper shredder.

Another letter to alien officemate

Alien officemate, it's bad enough that you work part time hours (actually the less I see of you, the better, but that is not keeping with the theme here). But since you come in so late everyday, why do you have to start off with personal phone calls sorting out the latest money transaction of the day? You live two minutes away. Can't you settle your (fill in any choice of: mortgage bill, insurance bill, auto transaction, latest frivolous purchase) before you come in? What do you do all morning at home--play with yourself?

Dear CubeMate

Your cell phone should not ring at work unless a) it's a very laid back work atmosphere, b) it's an emergency, c) your ring is discreet and does not bother others around you.

At NO time should your phone ring with "You have an incoming call. You have an incoming call." If this should happen, I fully expect a) you to lunge to silence your phone, b) your child to have fallen off of a roof, c) it to never happen again.

The fact that this happens three times a week (on average) is despicable and makes me hate you even more.

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

First
Don't go shopping late in the morning on Super Bowl Sunday. In the rain.

Grease It Up
This scraggly, long-haired druggy type was contemplating the lotion display for a long time. I willed him to just pick one because I was sure that ANY lotion would be an improvement. As I passed him, I noticed the inside seam of one of the legs of his jeans was ripped from mid-thigh to the crotch, exposing the back of his leg and the bottom of his boxer shorts.

Super Bowl Party for One
This old guy in the line next to me was buying this cute little Super Bowl cake. In the cart he also had one bag of chips, one jar of dip and a beer. He may be alone but he's having a party.

It Warms the Cockles
All the young guys working the morning shift at the store were wearing the jerseys of various football teams. This one old Hispanic guy who works as a bagger and always has a smile on his face was wearing a Dodgers jersey and happily bagging away.

Dudes, chill.

Or take it outside.

I am going on the assumption that everyone was kidding and no one was acting like a baby because, although this is a peeves blog and we may sometimes get peeved at each other, we repress our rage against our friends and only let it leak out in the form of good-natured ribbing. GOOD-NATURED ribbing. Got it?

We don't want to run Jen off. We LIKE her. We don't want to run Kate off. We LIKE her. We don't want to run anyone off because we like everyone*. We don't want to run me off because I this my show and don't think I won't kick all of you out just for spite! God, I need some rum.



*We even like that anonymous guy who bashed me on my own blog.

More Fun Animal Stories

What is it with dead (and not so dead) animals? This morning, taking my husband to work, I saw one squirrel on the side of the road TWITCHING away it's last minutes of life. On the way back home a cat (black by the way) hobbled across the street in front of me with an injured leg. This is too much depression for 8 a.m. on a Sunday.

Day is done, gone the sun... Part 2

I just found a dead possum in the back yard. I don't think the dogs did it. They seemed more interested in the toy the neighbor kid threw over the fence. The possum looks like it just keeled over. I wish I had noticed it sooner, though. I called the city info number and it appears that "dead animal pick-up" ends at 3:30 pm. They'll be by to get it tomorrow.

On the freeway

Yes... I realize I am doing exactly 62* miles per hour on the freeway. But I am in the far right lane - the right place for me. Please do not zoom up behind me and then tailgate me. There are 3 other lanes for you to zoom in. Leave those of us in the turtle lane alone.

*The speed limit is 60 on the 5 going south and I get all paranoid when driving the flexcar.

It's in the Genes, Part 2

KtP: I was planning on making dad a German Chocolate Cake for his birthday. That way you won't have to worry about it.
Mom: Oh, that's nice. That will be good. He likes it with the cherries on top.
KtP: Um...no, I said a German Chocolate Cake.
Mom: Right. He doesn't really like chocolate, but he does when you add the cherries.
KtP: But that's not a German Chocolate Cake.
Mom: Right. He doesn't like those.

Music Idiots

A little research goes a long way BEFORE filing a lawsuit.

"I believe that if music companies are going to set examples they need to do it to appropriate people and not dead people," Chianumba said. "I am pretty sure [my grandmother] is not going to leave Greenwood Memorial Park, where she is buried, to attend the hearing."

When did my husband turn gay?

Will someone please tell him that it's supposed to be the girl who packs too much? I mean, we're going to Florida. We're not hitting the runways of Milan here, buddy. You're going to have to leave something behind. There aren't that many costume changes in this show.

It's in the Genes

Mother. Grrrr. I love you dearly, but seriously - do you think that harping on the fact that I've (only) visited you twice in five weeks makes me happy to be here? Makes me glad that I braved (brove?) rush hour traffic to get here? Paid a toll and sat in my crappy car for over an hour on the first nice day of the year?

I'm well aware that you had surgery 6 weeks ago. However. Since the surgery did not harm you or unnecessarily lay you up, the so-called lack of visits on my part is not a black mark against my stature of daughter.

If you want to talk to a shitty daughter, call my sister.

Kismet

As to my previous post...Headline:

"Massachusetts Paper Fires Sportswriter for Plagiarism"

"...firing came three days after he was summoned to return from the pre-game activities at Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, Fla., where the New England Patriots are playing the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday."

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ain't payback a bitch!

Honored and Amused

A huge Thank You to Michelle, who seriously almost made me piss my pants with the "too nice" comment about me. If you only knew...and you will!

A thanks to HG as well, for reminding me of my biggest peeve: Losing. No way I was going to give it up with YOU still in the running!

To my husband...you shouldn't come here much as you are the main source of my botheration.

7921

That's how many days have passed since Philly fans last won any championship. Kids have been born and graduated college in that time span. So stop sending me goddam articles from jaded Boston writers talking smack about us. You're only riling me up even more. You go that long without a title and see how you are, bastards! Love the one article about how Boston fans give Bill Buckner standing ovations. Sure, after they vilify the guy for 18 years. Thank god the Sox won so we don't have to hear that whining anymore. I gave you your dues. Now go away!

A Brief Acceptance Post

First I would like to thank PM for creating this repository of vitriol; had it not existed someone would've had to create it. I would also like to thank Michelle for a vigorously enjoyable audition process.

To my fellow applicants, thank you. Especially to HG and Jen####, who will one day join us, as I'm sure PM will be giving it away for free soon enough.

But most of all, thank you to the world for being full of so many jerks, morons, and asshats. Without you, none of this would be possible.

Now get out of my face.

And the winners are…

First, I really do want to thank everyone who auditioned. Reading all of the entries and the resulting comments has taken up the better part of my work week and for that, I can’t thank you enough.

It’s always surprising to me how well I can relate to people I have never met. Of the contestants, Matthew is the only one I actually know. We went to college together and were roommates for about a year after I graduated. He’s in, but don’t think I was playing favorites or anything. If his peeves hadn’t been up to my standards, he would have been out. For God’s sake, I kicked my own husband off the blog. (I should mention that my husband is now back in the blog due to the unforeseen consequences of my actions.) Anyway, congratulations, Matty.

I encountered Kate the Peon’s blog through a frenzied bout of Next Blogging one night. We have been commenting on each other’s blogs for some months. She thinks I am sometimes mean. I think she is sometimes a baby. I was pleasantly surprised to find, in this competition, that she had me pegged so well. Though she did not attempt all the answers to the scavenger hunt, she at least snarked her way through it, and I can respect that. Through the strategic use of unconventional entries, Kate the Peon has wormed her way onto the roster of the peeves blog. Congratulations.

[Let me interrupt here for a moment to say that after Round 2, I was pretty sure I knew who the winners were going to be. Matthew and Kate the Peon were very strong from the start and were likely going to make it, though there was still a chance they could fuck it up for themselves. The remaining three contestants were competing for the third spot, which is why I decided to go ahead with the scavenger hunt. I am glad I did. The person who was favored for the third spot going into it is not the person who ended up getting it.]

All three of the remaining contestants started out as random commenters on this blog. Jen##### and HG are new commenters to the peeves blog and I am glad to have them both reading and commenting. HG totally nailed the tone and content of this blog with her entries. Jen#####, while peeving about popular themes, went a little too far into Nastyland, but she totally nailed the scavenger hunt and was even the first one to turn it in. HG did not attempt to answer all the questions and said that there were only so many hoops through which she was willing to jump.

Jujubee was the first of the remaining three to find her way to this blog. I don’t recall how she found it a few months ago, but I do remember being quite confused when I saw her first comment. It wasn’t due to the nature of the comment; it was due to her screen name. “Jujubee” is one of the nicknames I have for Joanne and it totally confused me. I was really rooting for Jujubee, but at first I though she just might be too nice for this place and I didn’t think she was going to make it, but she plugged away until the end and I feel that I must reward her perseverance with a win. Jujubee, you’re in! However, you have to step it up just a teensy bit. Continued exposure to this venomous crowd will turn you bitter and acidic, which can only be for the good.

Jen#####, you really tried hard and in all seriousness, I feel badly for not letting you in, but please, please, please keep reading and commenting. I am pretty sure I will be giving it away for free again sometime soon. HG, same goes for you.

Again, thanks for humoring me. I had so much fun with this. Welcome to the new members!

Phoneblog from Michelle

Unfortunately dear readers, Michelle's husband arrived in from his trip much earlier than expected. As a result, the results that you are anxiously awaiting news on have been delayed slightly. They will be up by the end of today, but obvioiusly the noon announcement has been missed. You can actually blame the delay of the delay announcement on me because the VM was there on my phone before I left for lunch and I went to lunch instead of checking it. :)

Round 3 Results

After Round 2, I was pretty sure I knew who was going to win, but I had already concocted Round 3 so I went ahead with it anyway. Now, I am glad I did. I was right about Round 3 breaking the weak.


1. Find a post about an artificial limb. Read about the peg leg.
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "Tell me again why I'm doing this?"
Jujubee:

2. In which month were there only two posts? July 2003
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

3. Who was thought to have fallen to her death at the two year blogiversary party? Peeved Michelle
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

4. What was the date of Cindy Lou’s (CL) first post? Sunday, November 28th
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "Cindy Lou Who?"
Jujubee:

5. Find as many posts as you can about poop. I don’t actually know how many there are.
Jen#####: 14 (and had this to add: “by the way, my comment about the fart yesterday was nothing compared to some of these posts about poo”)
Matthew: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: 6
Jujubee:

6. Find as many posts as you can that mention the song “There She Goes” by The La’s. 1, 2
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "You're kidding, right?"
Jujubee:

7. What was the nickname for Joanne’s semi-boyfriend from over a year ago? The Yeti
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

8. When did the posts start having comments? Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

9. What unlikely substance gave Nikki a hangover last summer? Ritz Bitz
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Incorrect. (Guessed Power.)
Jujubee:

10. What did two straight boys do to Joanne that she didn't like but that she let 500 gay boys do to her? “Honeyed” her.
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

Bonus: When is Peeved Michelle’s birthday? September 20th
Jen#####: Technically correct, though not specific with an answer of “mid-September.”
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Incorrect. (Guessed September 25th)
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee:

Double Bonus: What will you buy her when she turns 31? There is no one right answer, but there are many wrong ones.
Jen#####: Anything you'd like, sweetie. (Ok.)
Matthew: Crate & Barrel gift card & bottle of Cabana
Boy Cherry Rum. (Very good.)
HG: Pineapple rum and cookies. (Good answer. I wish I had some cookies right now.)
Kate the Peon: Something from Crate & Barrel. (Good good.)
Jujubee:

Round 3 Results

After Round 2, I was pretty sure I knew who was going to win, but I had already concocted Round 3 so I went ahead with it anyway. Now, I am glad I did. I was right about Round 3 breaking the weak.

1. Find a post about an artificial limb. It was the second post on the very first day of this blog.
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "Tell me again why I'm doing this?"
Jujubee: Correct.

2. In which month were there only two posts? July 2003
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Correct.

3. Who was thought to have fallen to her death at the two year blogiversary party? Peeved Michelle
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Correct.

4. What was the date of Cindy Lou’s (CL) first post? Sunday, November 28th
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "Cindy Lou Who?"
Jujubee: Incorrect. (Guessed Tuesday, November 30th)

5. Find as many posts as you can about poop. I don’t actually know how many there are.
Jen#####: 14 with references to prove it (and had this to add: “by the way, my comment about the fart yesterday was nothing compared to some of these posts about poo”)
Matthew: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: 6 with references to prove it
Jujubee: 10 with eyestrain to prove it


6. Find as many posts as you can that mention the song “There She Goes” by The La’s. 1, 2
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Did not answer.
Kate the Peon: "You're kidding, right?"
Jujubee: Correct.

7. What was the nickname for Joanne’s semi-boyfriend from over a year ago? The Yeti
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Correct. (She answered,"It has to be either Hottie Asshat or Virgin Yeti?")

8. When did the posts start having comments? Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Correct.

9. What unlikely substance gave Nikki a hangover last summer? Ritz Bitz
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct.
Kate the Peon: Incorrect. (Guessed Power.)
Jujubee: Correct.

10. What did two straight boys do to Joanne that she didn't like but that she let 500 gay boys do to her? “Honeyed” her.
Jen#####: Correct.
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Correct
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Incorrect.

Bonus: When is Peeved Michelle’s birthday? September 20th
Jen#####: Technically correct, though not specific with an answer of “mid-September.”
Matthew: Correct.
HG: Incorrect. (Guessed September 25th)
Kate the Peon: Correct.
Jujubee: Correct.

Double Bonus: What will you buy her when she turns 31? There is no one right answer, but there are many wrong ones.
Jen#####: Anything you'd like, sweetie. (Ok.)
Matthew: Crate & Barrel gift card & bottle of Cabana
Boy Cherry Rum. (Very good.)
HG: Pineapple rum and cookies. (Good answer. I wish I had some cookies right now.)
Kate the Peon: Something from Crate & Barrel. (Good good.)
Jujubee: How about a bottle of Cabana Boy Cherry Rum! (Good choice.)

Spillage

Asshole tried to back out of his driveway into my car this morning. I had to swerve into the next lane and my coffee spilled. My cup holder was filled with coffee. What was I supposed to do, use a straw and suck it up from the cup holder? Soak it up with Kleenex and suck the coffee from that? I tell you, with my five hours sleep last night I was tempted. I was.
Moral of the story: It's called a rear defroster, asshole. Use it.

No, Thank You

Thank you, Yahoo web hosting. You've done such a great job for me for so many years. I only have one question for you now. Where the fuck are all my images? You know, like the ones required to make this blog look like more than just a blank white page.

Fly away

The alien officemate set a new attendance record. In at ten and today leaves at three! And his desk is still a pig sty.

Sweaty pits

Dude, if it's the middle of the winter and you are sweating that much under your arm pits, what do you look like in the summer (not to mention smell like)? For god's sake, wear an undershirt!

Something the Internets Taught Me Today

It was Jean-Paul Sartre who wrote, “Hell is other people.”

Technology does not belong in the bathroom

Autoflush toilets suck! Why didn't they come up with a backup plan when they invented these. If they don't flush, there still should be a handle to do it manually. Sorry, but I hate pissing in, let's say, a "used" urinal. On top of it, then you look like an idiot either waving your hand in front of the infrared whatchamacallit or keep standing in front of it and moving away, back and forth to get the thing to flush. Who invented that damn thing? I promise I'll flush it. I don't need you to do it when you feel like it.

Round 3 Auditions

This is the final round! Like the previous rounds, Round 3 ends at 10 AM tomorrow. I will post the new members of Peevishness and Botheration at noon on Friday.

Round 3 is a scavenger hunt through the archives of the blog. DO NOT post your answers here, unless you want the others to cheat off you. Email your answers to me at genius163 at yahoo dot com. I will post the results at the end of this round. Good luck.

1. Find a post about an artificial limb.
2. In which month were there only two posts?
   
3. Who was thought to have fallen to her death at the two year blogiversary party?
4. What was the date of Cindy Lou’s (CL) first post?
   
5. Find as many posts as you can about poop.
6. Find as many posts as you can that mention the song “There She Goes” by The La’s.
   
7. What was the nickname for Joanne’s semi-boyfriend from over a year ago?
8. When did the posts start having comments?
   
9. What unlikely substance gave Nikki a hangover last summer?
10. What did two straight boys do to Joanne that she didn't like but that she let 500 gay boys do to her?
    
    Bonus: When is Peeved Michelle’s birthday?
    Double Bonus: What will you buy her when she turns 31?

I'm already dragging

I made this decision that I would start coming in early and leaving early to beat the bulk of the traffic (like that's even possible in LA). So, now it's only 9AM and I feel like I've been here forever already. Isn't this day over yet?

Round 2 Feedback

You guys rock. Thirty-four comments is a new record for this blog.

General Note #1: If there is any cutting to be done around here, know this: I will cut you.

General Note #2: Apologies not accepted on this blog, unless they are sarcastic as in, “I am SO SORRY that I attempted to enter the intersection WHEN MY LIGHT WAS GREEN. Please do forgive me, giant ass in the Escalade, whose license plate number is…” See?

Jen#####: Part 1 -- We all know I am a fan of the letters to people who piss us off, but you lost me at P.S. It was just a tad too gross. You need to make me say “ew” WITH you, not AT you. However, all the elements of the letter were there and that pleases me. Part 2 -- I also like the list format - it goes back to our peeve roots - but again with the “ew.” Ass bleeding falls into the same category as bacterial vaginosis. Was there a title for the fun facts? Numbers 1, 2, and 5… I can totally relate.

Kate the Peon: Part 1 -- Very good letter. Nice use of imagery regarding classmate’s fish belly. I might be insulted by “soupy brown eyes” so please explain further. No title? Part 2 -- Well done, grasshopper, even though it was all lies. Just the right amount of sucking up combined with a respectable display of knowledge regarding past posts.

Jujubee: Part 1 -- This is an excellent peeves post. I really felt like I was in the moment with you. I can picture you trying to get it to work and getting so pissed off that you had to run straight to your computer to post about it. If that isn’t how it happened, don’t tell me. Part 2 -- There isn’t anything technically wrong with your second post, I just felt like it was missing something. Maybe a little more insulting to the other person? Or a little funnier? I’m not sure, but it was a solid effort.

HG: Bonus for “part the first” and “part the second.” I don’t know why I like it, but I do. Part 1 -- I could relate to your timely tax post as I believe the husband and I will be destitute after taxes this year. Nice use of the phrase “mind-sucking” in reference to a job. Part 2 -- I do like to tell people to suck it, though I cannot relate to singing show tunes and I hate (HATE) musicals.

Matthew: Part 1 -- At first I was not feeling your crosswalk post, but you reeled me in at the end with your reckless abandon and fiery rage and complete disregard for your spotless police record. Also, you can never go wrong using “asshat” in a post. Part 2 -- Again, I am a fan of the lists. It didn’t really matter what was in 2-10 since you used the word “panties” in #1. Hee. Panties.

One more round to go, folks. Round 3 is designed to break the weak.

Fellow Drivers

When you are about to make a right hand turn into say a parking lot for example, there is absolutely no reason to come to a complete stop if there is no stop sign or stop light. Just make the turn already. Also, when you are coming out of a parking lot or alley, unless there is a signal, you NEVER HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. I don't care if you've been sitting in that spot for an hour. You do not have the right of way. If you turn I will hit you. Or I will think about it then think that on the flexcar there is a $750 deductible that I don't want to find out about paying so I won't hit you but if I were in my old Ford Bronco, I would totally hit you. I also don't believe that just because stupid right turner who has stopped in my lane for some random reason has some how indicated to you that you can make a left turn, because there is still traffic coming the opposite direction so your pulling out to block my lane just pisses me off. Obviously it is a good thing that I don't drive more often. :)

Take me away!

I am now listening to 80's music, that's how bad doing this report is! WHY???!!!!

Are you serious?

So, my mom got all mad at me a few weeks ago because I didn't go to Tahoe with her and my sisters. She couldn't believe that I didn't want to pack up and take off for Tahoe at the last minute, and she couldn't believe I didn't have a better excuse than I just don't feel like it. Never mind that I hate snow, I hate making last minute plans, Husband was out of town, and do you have any idea how much stuff you have to pack for three days away with a three year old? Anyway, she got over it and everything was ok, then I find out today that she's mad all over again because I went to Monterey with my dad. She actually said "Cindy won't go to Tahoe with us but she'll go to Monterey with your dad". Is she really comparing three days in Tahoe with five hours in Monterey? Is she really comparing a four hour drive over a mountain in the snow with a one hour drive to the beach in the sun? Holy cow, my mother is insane. They say it's inevitable, but if I become my mother, will someone please shoot me?

leave your name before the beep

Cutesy voicemail greetings should be outlawed!

If I call you and get your voicemail, I want some damn indication that I called the right number. No songs you illegally downloaded off Kazaa. No little babies googooing in the phone. No lousy celebrity impersonations. Either say your goddam name or use your voice so I recognize it's you. I don't want to think I just left my name and number on some possible serial killer's answering machine because you left me a message blurting out your number in some incoherent fashion. That's right--you left me a message on my voicemail where I explicitly say my name.

Now you've never called me back so I am sure there is some maniac out there Googling me right now.

Misrepresentation

I keep saying that I am not cut out for working in an office, that I would be much better off working from home. Well, that isn't exactly true. I would love to have my own little office in some cute old building somewhere within five miles of my house. It's just that I want to be the only person who works there. I would be a micromanaging tyrant running a tight ship but who would care? Me? Nah, I don't mind me. Oh, and the boss would totally pay for lunch for everyday and even buy drinks at happy hour, which starts at 3 pm and ends at 6 pm when the boss's husband comes to pick her up from "work" because she is too drunk to drive home.

THIS is the order

People get OFF the elevator THEN people get ON the elevator.

how may i help you?

I've been doing customer support for about 8 years and many times have been told I have the patience of a saint. This is all the while when I am trying to break the window to jump out of it so I don't lose it on the phone and let you hear my frustration (I will admit I was not 100% capable of not showing my frustration, not to mention that one Hollywood celebrity that brought every member of my staff to tears-- but that's a whole other Oprah). My current job only does e-mail support. So, when I reply to you three times that just telling me you can't access something on the site and that I need you to be as detailed as possible, writing back to me the same thing each time that you cannot access it WITH NO FURTHER DETAILS is going to get us nowhere. Turn off the computer and go watch Dr. Phil!

Round 2 Auditions

We had some fine entries in Round 1 of the auditions to join the peeves blog. I admire your courage for letting someone like me decide your fate. With Round 2, we will step it up a bit and test your range. This is a two-parter.

1. Post another peeve, with title, again paying attention to the general tone of the peeve posts on this blog. The subject of this post should be completely different from your last one and you should incorporate the feedback I provided on your Round 1 posts.
2. Post something possibly embarrassing that reveals something about your personality. Something along these lines. (It is in your best interest to click on all four of those words.)

This round will end in 24 hours at 10 AM on Thursday. After that, there will be a final round with winners posted on Friday.

Round 1 Feedback

I will start by revealing something I judge: grammar and spelling.

Jujubee: A nice start in the auditioning process and I applaud your courage in going first. When I post a peeve in the form of a letter to someone, I like to sign it with “Thanks, Michelle” like the person is really going to comply with what I asked or like I am really thanking the person for being an ass. It adds that special little touch. If you were to join the peeves blog, you would be discouraged from posting solely about your kid, your kidlet or your pregnancy. Those are fine, but we would need to see some variety. I am looking forward to your Round 2 audition.

Let me just add here, that I feel like the judge on a reality show. Hopefully I am not coming off like any of the judges on American Idol.

Jen3000: Hey ya! Ok, so I can totally feel your peeve. In fact, it is very similar in subject to a peeve I posted awhile back. Duplicate peeves are fine. We have approximately 219 posts about office climate control. I herald your vitriol, your adherence to the rules and your proper letter format. Three things. One, while profanity is acceptable here at the peeves ranch, the level of profanity must fit the level of the peeve. For instance, my recent post about commuting needed a high level of profanity due to the fact that one day I will murder someone on the highway. I would probably save a greeting such as “Dear Motherfucker” for something truly heinous. In this instance, perhaps a “Dear Stinkass” would have worked or something that evoked the putrid smell you had to endure. Two, it is never ok to use the phrase “bacterial vaginosis” on this blog. Three, while it is definitely ok to send me up when I deserve it or to make fun of me for liking Hello Kitty, I did post within the past week about a particularly delicious salmon special that I enjoy on occasion, so by calling anyone who eats fish “totally gross,” I think you encompassed most of the contributors on this blog. Still, you show promise and it will be interesting to see your entries in Round 2.

Matthew: Your entry has all the elements of a classic peeves post: a recapped conversation, a moron, a throat stabbing. Well done. A few things were unclear to me, though. Is the first line of your entry supposed to be the title? If so, ok. If not, then you did not follow the rules. Shame on you. Second, was this like a random guy you saw on the street and now he is stalking you by working where you work? Also, you had a spelling error.

Kate the Peon: Points for your unconventional entry. However, I posted within the last month about how much I hate the use of Jewish words in normal conversation. Your use of the word “tuchkus” here falls into that category. Now dance, monkey, dance.

HG: An excellent entry. I definitely felt the heat of your rant and I was a little bit on your side. I particularly enjoyed your use of the phrases “bully for you” and “piehole.” I know that your peeve was in response to Jujubee’s, but you get the same feedback I gave her. If you were to join the peeves blog, you would be discouraged from posting solely about your kids.

Peachy: As peeves go, that one was horrible. Not good. Since it is past 10 AM, you don’t get a second chance at Round 1. However, feel free to continue on to Round 2, but you better make it good!

I will leave you all with one of my favorite South Park sayings. “Whatever! I’ll do what I want.”

Short Bus

How retarded do you have to be to get cream cheese in your hair while eating a bagel? As retarded as me.

Just Say It

I hate subtitles on TV. I can't work on the computer and listen to what is going on at the same time.

Open Casting Call

Anyway, now that those three are gone, let’s get those spots filled, people! We need three new contributors at Peevishness and Botheration. The time has come for auditions. Don’t be nervous, kiddies. I will be kind.

Ha! That was a good one.

The ultimate decision maker in the process will be me and the criteria I will use are secret. Current contributors are welcome to give me input on the candidates. I am not sure how many rounds of auditions I will hold. It depends on the response. However, don’t think that if only three people want to join the blog that those three automatically make it.

Auditions: Round 1
I know you have peeves and bothers. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t. Give me your biggest pet peeve, including title, as a comment to this post. You will do well to keep in mind the overall tone of this blog and the average length of the posts. Good luck!

Day is done, gone the sun

On this day, we at Peevishness and Botheration, bid a fond farewell to three of our members.

Good bye to my husband, Bubba (not his real name, this isn’t Kentucky). Bubba has only posted a few times and, God help me, I have no idea what the hell he was talking about. Something about his job… computers… I don’t know. Please note that this does not mean we are getting a divorce.

Sayonara to Nikki, a cool chick who hasn’t let her Canadian handicap hold her back here in America. She is editing a book in which one of my essays appears, so I should add that she is smart, funny and beautiful. And has an awesome shoe collection.

Adios to Adam. He is an angry little bugger but he was a good guy to have as a work friend and he has a cute baby. I love the babies.

We will miss all of you, though some less than others since you hardly posted, and we hope that you will continue to read and comment. Let me know if you ever want to come back.

Quiznos Commercials

Why does Quiznos not want me to buy their food? First there was the guy who suckled a wolf... Then there were those little scary things, that I later found out were called spongmonkeys. They looked like tumors with teeth. Now there's scary talking baby. Not that I can eat Quiznos, but I would totally boycott them if I could. Well, I guess I do actually but it is more effective if I were a Quiznos eater to begin with.

urinetown

One of the worst things about this hiring spree this company is on, besides almost being kicked out of my office, is that there are not enough bathrooms. There's one in the front that everyone uses and one in the back where no one can find. I hate public restrooms as it is. But with so many damn new people, there is a constant parade of people going in and out of the bathroom. Geez, I just want to pee in peace!

Proving your love

I hate those license plates that say "JPL?CML". I mean, do you really need to put it on your license plate to show how much you adore your spouse? I know that it's pretty cool to be able to put a heart or a hand on your license plate, but come on. That's just way too cutesy and pukey. If my license plate said "CDH?DJH" wouldn't you just want to ram my car as hard as you could? I'd have a hard time not ramming my own car into the center divider on the freeway.

Closed for renovations

Is this whole freaking town under construction? My regular route to work is closed down, which by the way would be nice for them to post a sign BEFORE I get to the closed part so I don't have to turn around and go all the way back to the last road that goes anywhere. Oh and that little handwritten sign mentioning a closure that is sitting off to the side of the road? Putting a PRIVATE ROAD as the point of closure does no good if no one knows where the hell that is!

Every where I try to go, there is some damn construction blocking my way. Would it be too much for these morons to realize, hey this is L.A. where there is always a shitload of traffic, and even more so between the hours of 7-9AM? Here's a thought. Don't fucking start construction that closes streets until after 9AM so everyone can get to work! Then you can tear up all you want!

Tone. Deaf.

I know it's sort of a popular thing to do when expressing your tone in writing, but can I just say that I hate it when people write. like. this. It makes my toes curl, it's that. annoying. to. me. You don't have to say one word sentences for me to get it.